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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]But as someone who left my marriage to be with my AP after a 6-year affair, I will say it is possible to love a spouse but more as family rather than a lover. You can have a very good, calm, happy, but platonic relationship, which in a lot of ways can seem healthy and loving -- but you will always yearn for that romantic component. I think that's human nature. Those of you with husbands who actually desire you take that for granted while patting yourselves on the back for your high morals (and some of you probably deny your husbands the desire they'd like to feel). If OP and her AP are still in love, I think they should divorce and plan a life together.[/quote]

This is vomit-inducing.  Of course your feelings for your spouse changed when you were investing emotionally and physically in someone else for six years.  You can try to rationalize your shi!ty decisions but no else buys it.[/quote]

My straying only happened after a very long time of not being desired, an entire marriage worth actually.  I got married quite young and was too inexperienced to know what a good relationship looked like.  We had a million talks about his lack of desire but nothing changed.  I still considered it a good marriage believe it or not because we enjoyed each other's company.  And I definitely loved him, but only like a brother after so much rejection -- this was years before the affair started, and I wasn't looking, but it was too intoxicating to give up when I found it.

And I'm glad I didn't, because I deserve a FULL marriage, one that includes sex and romance and affection and attraction.  And I suspect most of the women (it's always women) who are so virulently anti-cheating have that type of relationship already and take it for granted.  Like they think it's part of the definition of marriage, so they can't fathom that some spouses don't receive that.  And they talk about not being able to look their husband in the eye if they ever cheated, as if it's their strong morals -- and not their overall sense of being treated well, loved, and respected by their husband -- that makes them feel that way.

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted.  During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games.  Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...[/quote]

OP here, thanks for writing this all out. This was essentially the situation. [/quote]

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