Still in love with AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP get therapy. You are a narcissist or have borderline personality disorder. The fact you have not learned empathy for your actions and what it could do to your husband/kids, the immense harm/trauma to another woman, children, family shows what a cold and calculated person who has had zero self-reflection over three years.

A supremely selfish person ugly on the inside.

Nailed it. How much does she owe you for this session?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choosing to be with an AP is not the sunshine and rainbows you think it will be. All the children involved will have strong emotional feelings about the affair, and this will be a major source of tension on your relationship. As the female, you will always be viewed as the home wrecking wh@@e, no matter how unfair that stigma actually is. 20 years from now, people will still be whispering about you, and you can pretend not to care but you will always, always be the villain in the story. Every family event, every gathering of relatives, people will be whispering about it and it is exhausting.

The life you imagine with him is not the life you will actually have. I don’t know why anyone would willingly choose this.

NP. This can be true but not always. I know 3 couples 20 years later and nothing you describe is true. Their lives are much better and there was not ongoing tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

Because men pump and dump.

Only 2% want anything to do with the woman after it’s over …and they would have left the wife.

Women will romanticize anything and read a whole lot more into everything.

That, and the fact 98% of this board is female. And then there is sexless marriage guy.

Not my experience. AP broke it off with me when his wife found out. He reached back out to me a year later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

Because men pump and dump.

Only 2% want anything to do with the woman after it’s over …and they would have left the wife.

Women will romanticize anything and read a whole lot more into everything.

That, and the fact 98% of this board is female. And then there is sexless marriage guy.

Then there are the ones who want you to get to know their families and be friends with their wife so they can keep on seeing you. Saw this happen to someone years ago. She had an AP and he wanted her to get to know his wife and be friends. After a few years, the wife still called the AP while the guy lost interest. Can't make this stuff up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With Orsoyla Gaal’s cheating murder in Queens dominating the news, I’m surprised anyone isn’t seriously questioning their lifestyle and the risks the put their family in.

That story is really something. The guy looks like he got out of the mental institution a few stops away on the subway. Amazing that she not just blew up. but also lost her life, for such a wacko. Even the local Starbucks baristas knew there was something wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

Because men pump and dump.

Only 2% want anything to do with the woman after it’s over …and they would have left the wife.

Women will romanticize anything and read a whole lot more into everything.

That, and the fact 98% of this board is female. And then there is sexless marriage guy.

Not my experience. AP broke it off with me when his wife found out. He reached back out to me a year later.

My Ex broke it off before I found out and confessed everything. I left him and his AP that he dumped wanted to commiserate and befriend me like we’d be bosom buddies. Seriously messed up people in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With Orsoyla Gaal’s cheating murder in Queens dominating the news, I’m surprised anyone isn’t seriously questioning their lifestyle and the risks the put their family in.

That story is really something. The guy looks like he got out of the mental institution a few stops away on the subway. Amazing that she not just blew up. but also lost her life, for such a wacko. Even the local Starbucks baristas knew there was something wrong with him.

She was very desperate for attention. This weirdo fed in that. I always say anyone that posts that many selfies of themselves needs help/therapy because something is wrong with them that they need such external validation.

I’m wondering if she were bipolar. Very sad somebody didn’t see and get her help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

You get that this is the definition of selfish, right? The fact that you can look back on this event after having had time and space to process and still defend yourself without any ownership of how this could have played differently, with acknowledgment of the pain you caused your husband (and maybe kids and your AP’s spouse and kids), shows you are very broken. You admittedly didn’t decide to “upend” things until you knew you had a soft place to land. Nowhere in any of your posts do you ever address your ex’s feelings and the pain you caused him (I doubt he agrees that you loved him like a brother - families don’t usually crap on each other like that). Your complete focus is on you, your feelings, and what you are entitled to. Your current DH should be on the alert because if/when things are not all unicorns and rainbows, you are primed to cheat again.

You aren't going to convince me to feel guilty over hurting someone who hurt me for decades first and was given countless opportunities to stop. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Op, you can get divorced then see if your AP comes back to you! The saying if you love something set it free, if it was meant to be....blah blah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

Damn, this is a crazy imagination.

I cheated on my wife, and while I wasn't completely miserable in my marriage, it was nothing like this. I suspect if men had this reality with their wives, the infidelity rate would be very low. Men cheat mostly because they are sexually neglected.

Try again. Men cheat mostly because...

Use research to answer this time.

Research says....men cheat because they are not feeling loved or appreciated at home.

Although to be fair, men's love language is overwhelmingly sex. So it's a bit disingenuous to say men cheating has nothing to do with sex, because men feel loved when having sex with their wives.

Huh yet you cite zero sources and add your subjective opinion. According to Scientific American journal, “An analysis revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance.”

Truth is -there is a variety of reasons and plenty of men cheat who also fulfilled sexually at home because they are cake eaters and need the validation because they have low self esteem. Take note that PP did not say it had nothing to do with sex, rather research backs up that’s not the sole reason for cheating.

Their decision to cheat comes from the desire to experience the love and affection they expect to receive from their wife, but has faded over time. After years of enduring those unmet needs, infidelity became a way for them to be doted on while not having to give up a partnership that still means the world to them.
https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

Those are just the first two articles in a Google search. They all connect men feeling unloved, or not appreciated with the underlying reason being sex at home fading over time.

I am not excusing male behavior or saying there aren't men who have amazing sex at home at still cheat for variety. Your view that it never has to do with sex is hard to square with everything out there

Fir baby it’s not the partnership it’s the lifestyle. They’re living well and don’t want to lose what they invested in.

[Anonymous]

There is a good chance he has had other lovers
Many cheaters cheat on their lovers
Never satisfied

I’m sorry you are feeling this way
I think trying to distract yourself and focus on other things to stop this
Obsession might free you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a good chance he has had other lovers
Many cheaters cheat on their lovers
Never satisfied

I’m sorry you are feeling this way
I think trying to distract yourself and focus on other things to stop this
Obsession might free you

You do realize the irony in your statement. She’s a cheater too. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

You get that this is the definition of selfish, right? The fact that you can look back on this event after having had time and space to process and still defend yourself without any ownership of how this could have played differently, with acknowledgment of the pain you caused your husband (and maybe kids and your AP’s spouse and kids), shows you are very broken. You admittedly didn’t decide to “upend” things until you knew you had a soft place to land. Nowhere in any of your posts do you ever address your ex’s feelings and the pain you caused him (I doubt he agrees that you loved him like a brother - families don’t usually crap on each other like that). Your complete focus is on you, your feelings, and what you are entitled to. Your current DH should be on the alert because if/when things are not all unicorns and rainbows, you are primed to cheat again.

You aren't going to convince me to feel guilty over hurting someone who hurt me for decades first and was given countless opportunities to stop. Nope.

And to clarify, he never found out about my affair, so when I said hurt him, I meant by asking for a divorce -- which you wanted me to do earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

You get that this is the definition of selfish, right? The fact that you can look back on this event after having had time and space to process and still defend yourself without any ownership of how this could have played differently, with acknowledgment of the pain you caused your husband (and maybe kids and your AP’s spouse and kids), shows you are very broken. You admittedly didn’t decide to “upend” things until you knew you had a soft place to land. Nowhere in any of your posts do you ever address your ex’s feelings and the pain you caused him (I doubt he agrees that you loved him like a brother - families don’t usually crap on each other like that). Your complete focus is on you, your feelings, and what you are entitled to. Your current DH should be on the alert because if/when things are not all unicorns and rainbows, you are primed to cheat again.

You aren't going to convince me to feel guilty over hurting someone who hurt me for decades first and was given countless opportunities to stop. Nope.

And to clarify, he never found out about my affair, so when I said hurt him, I meant by asking for a divorce -- which you wanted me to do earlier.

He hasn’t found out YET. Life is funny that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

You get that this is the definition of selfish, right? The fact that you can look back on this event after having had time and space to process and still defend yourself without any ownership of how this could have played differently, with acknowledgment of the pain you caused your husband (and maybe kids and your AP’s spouse and kids), shows you are very broken. You admittedly didn’t decide to “upend” things until you knew you had a soft place to land. Nowhere in any of your posts do you ever address your ex’s feelings and the pain you caused him (I doubt he agrees that you loved him like a brother - families don’t usually crap on each other like that). Your complete focus is on you, your feelings, and what you are entitled to. Your current DH should be on the alert because if/when things are not all unicorns and rainbows, you are primed to cheat again.

You aren't going to convince me to feel guilty over hurting someone who hurt me for decades first and was given countless opportunities to stop. Nope.

And yet you are still married to him.