Is this a cultural difference? Indian MIL bringing food to our event

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Great to see all the self hating Indians on here..well played OP, bringing them out. And of course your American born DH thinks his mom is a nut. It’s one of the most cliched dynamics around. US born Indian child thinks their parent who does nice things like bring home cooked food to a party is crazy. I’m Indian born and 30, for the posters who want to reply “hey OP’s MIL!”

I’ll just state the obvious, but, we’re not in India. Having the self-awareness and emotional maturity to look around you and see what others are doing is a sign of being an adult. Ask your adult children what they need/want. Grow as a human. Bringing food, and being pushy about it, is just symptomatic of a MIL that doesn’t respect boundaries…and that transcends cultures. Go ahead and gaslight OP, and me, with the racist word. It’s just way to justify rude behavior.

Nice try acting the victim while using the hallmark phrase of racists everywhere, “we’re not in [foreign country in question] anymore,” implying that you better act like an American, otherwise you’re not “grown” as a human. How dehumanizing to immigrants who may have different traditions and mindsets, none of which are inferior to Americans’.

Or just follow what your adult children ask in their home. You can keep going on as you are, but we see you have no actual argument or reason MIL cannot listen to her adult child and his spouse.

Neither you nor OP have any actual reason or argument as to why what the MIL did is actually a problem, other than “I’m American and my norms are right. Yours are wrong.”

Good luck to you and your relationships. Look at you posting as though it's okay to do whatever you want in someone else's home.

You still haven’t articulated why the lady’s actions were actually harmful other than “it’s not American,” so you can take your passive aggressive ”well wishes” and pi$$ right off.

Only a child continues to throw a tantrum demanding explanation on why she can’t do what she wants (against the wishes of the host) in someone else’s house.

MIL is bringing food to a party, not destroying the furniture. If the host specifically wants to instruct her MIL to bring the food, she (or her husband ideally) should say so clearly. But I think it’s rude to reject a gift of food or drink.

I was actually referring to you, not MIL. But wow, some of you really turn yourself into knots justifying overstepping in other people's houses!

There are multiple people responding to (or more accurately, disagreeing) with you. Bringing food to someone’s house isn’t a big deal-you need to unclench and try to look for the good in people (generosity is a good thing).

+100. I think OP is a sneaky troll but did a good job getting the low key racists all worked up to bash the poor Indian lady who just brought some food over.

OP here. Wow, not sure why this post got dredged up 6 weeks later? At least now I can mark being called a troll off my DCUM bucket list.

By now, we’ve let this go. It won’t come up again because we won’t be hosting another big lifecycle event until one of our kids gets married, which is waaay down the road. So we’ll just go back to regular visits where MIL brings/cooks food for the family when she’s here, like we have always done.

The petty part of me wants to bring our own food for picky DC next time we visit ILs and just break it out when there are guests over, but of course we wouldn’t do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since your husband was born in the US, he may not o ow whatever customs may have caused her behavior.

I’ve seen families from various parts of India bring their own food instead of eat in a restaurant. The women went to the car, brought back the containers and set up the meal at tables outside the National Aquarium. It’s not the same as your catered meal, but I do know for some Indian cultures (it’s a huge country with lots of differences between regions) some people bring their own food to things.

OP again. It’s interesting, because my regular extended family meals are always potluck. (Not big events like this, but things like Thanksgiving, or Mothers Day, or whatever.) And DH thought it was totally weird and swears up and down that his family would never do that because it would be totally rude and imply that the hosts couldn’t feed you. But maybe his family’s traditions have changed over time, too?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Great to see all the self hating Indians on here..well played OP, bringing them out. And of course your American born DH thinks his mom is a nut. It’s one of the most cliched dynamics around. US born Indian child thinks their parent who does nice things like bring home cooked food to a party is crazy. I’m Indian born and 30, for the posters who want to reply “hey OP’s MIL!”

I’ll just state the obvious, but, we’re not in India. Having the self-awareness and emotional maturity to look around you and see what others are doing is a sign of being an adult. Ask your adult children what they need/want. Grow as a human. Bringing food, and being pushy about it, is just symptomatic of a MIL that doesn’t respect boundaries…and that transcends cultures. Go ahead and gaslight OP, and me, with the racist word. It’s just way to justify rude behavior.

Nice try acting the victim while using the hallmark phrase of racists everywhere, “we’re not in [foreign country in question] anymore,” implying that you better act like an American, otherwise you’re not “grown” as a human. How dehumanizing to immigrants who may have different traditions and mindsets, none of which are inferior to Americans’.

Or just follow what your adult children ask in their home. You can keep going on as you are, but we see you have no actual argument or reason MIL cannot listen to her adult child and his spouse.

Neither you nor OP have any actual reason or argument as to why what the MIL did is actually a problem, other than “I’m American and my norms are right. Yours are wrong.”

Good luck to you and your relationships. Look at you posting as though it's okay to do whatever you want in someone else's home.

You still haven’t articulated why the lady’s actions were actually harmful other than “it’s not American,” so you can take your passive aggressive ”well wishes” and pi$$ right off.

Only a child continues to throw a tantrum demanding explanation on why she can’t do what she wants (against the wishes of the host) in someone else’s house.

MIL is bringing food to a party, not destroying the furniture. If the host specifically wants to instruct her MIL to bring the food, she (or her husband ideally) should say so clearly. But I think it’s rude to reject a gift of food or drink.

I was actually referring to you, not MIL. But wow, some of you really turn yourself into knots justifying overstepping in other people's houses!

There are multiple people responding to (or more accurately, disagreeing) with you. Bringing food to someone’s house isn’t a big deal-you need to unclench and try to look for the good in people (generosity is a good thing).

+100. I think OP is a sneaky troll but did a good job getting the low key racists all worked up to bash the poor Indian lady who just brought some food over.

OP here. Wow, not sure why this post got dredged up 6 weeks later? At least now I can mark being called a troll off my DCUM bucket list.

By now, we’ve let this go. It won’t come up again because we won’t be hosting another big lifecycle event until one of our kids gets married, which is waaay down the road. So we’ll just go back to regular visits where MIL brings/cooks food for the family when she’s here, like we have always done.

The petty part of me wants to bring our own food for picky DC next time we visit ILs and just break it out when there are guests over, but of course we wouldn’t do that.

If someone brought special food for a picky kid I wouldn’t classify it as “petty”, just as someone who was trying to make a guest feel more comfortable. Maybe try to approach these situations as people trying to be helpful, in their own way, rather than trying to make you look bad as a host.

[Anonymous]

I am tired of these white daughter-in-laws criticizing their south asian MILs. Seriously? You didn't know what you were getting yourself into? You had NO IDEA there could possibly be cultural differences? NONE? Are you stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since your husband was born in the US, he may not o ow whatever customs may have caused her behavior.

I’ve seen families from various parts of India bring their own food instead of eat in a restaurant. The women went to the car, brought back the containers and set up the meal at tables outside the National Aquarium. It’s not the same as your catered meal, but I do know for some Indian cultures (it’s a huge country with lots of differences between regions) some people bring their own food to things.

Ok, lots of people of all races bring their own food to eat at attractions, because it's usually really expensive. I've seen way more white people do stuff like this.

Indian people in the US may be more loath to eat at restaurants, because many are strict vegetarians. Some are strict enough that they won't eat food that was prepared with the same utensils etc. In addition, a lot of Indian people find American food (especially the kind of food you'd find in a cafeteria) to be bland and tasteless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of these white daughter-in-laws criticizing their south asian MILs. Seriously? You didn't know what you were getting yourself into? You had NO IDEA there could possibly be cultural differences? NONE? Are you stupid?

Here’s boundary-crossing MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great to see all the self hating Indians on here..well played OP, bringing them out. And of course your American born DH thinks his mom is a nut. It’s one of the most cliched dynamics around. US born Indian child thinks their parent who does nice things like bring home cooked food to a party is crazy. I’m Indian born and 30, for the posters who want to reply “hey OP’s MIL!”

Cool, cool, thanks for reminding us that even younger Indians have no boundaries!

Ok racist

Oh, grow up. Are you sure you’re 30 and not 13?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am tired of these white daughter-in-laws criticizing their south asian MILs. Seriously? You didn't know what you were getting yourself into? You had NO IDEA there could possibly be cultural differences? NONE? Are you stupid?

Here’s boundary-crossing MIL.

Hardly. I have a south asian MIL and my husband prepared me for some of the "quirks" I should expect and I knew there would be cultural differences. Yes, some of what she does is really odd, but I would never come on here and ask strangers "is this a cultural difference?" because DUH OBVIOUSLY.

[Anonymous]

Some people think homemade is better.
I was friends with a German mom who turned her nose up at store bought or catered food.
We'd be at a kid's birthday party (we're talking little elementary kids) and she would stiffen and dismiss the spread when she realized the foods were store bought.
She was the epitome of German womanhood in that way.

And then there is my MIL who is the exactly opposite of OP's MIL. She believed store bought and food made in restaurant kitchens were better and my (bizarrely) more hygenic than something made by a friend in the friend's kitchen. This, even though her sons would point out to her that they saw the restaurant help leave the bathroom without washing their hands.