Is this a cultural difference? Indian MIL bringing food to our event

[Anonymous]

Cultural difference.

It would be rude of her to show up without bringing a dish. Indian moms feed people. It’s definitely a love language.

For the entire event not to have any food from the elder woman in the family would be weird and relegates her to the level of all the non family guests that just show up and eat.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful replies. I get wanting to feed people. I love cooking & feeding people. If she’d asked me to put out her dishes, I’d have done it. I think the bigger thing is that she didn’t think to ask us if it was ok to put it out, because she didn’t recognize us as the hosts. DH and I tend to have other boundary issues with MIL, and I think this played into that. And hit a particularly sore spot because it was around food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am white, raised in the US. DH was born here, but ILs were born in India. When MIL comes to visit from out of state, she always brings food. Usually this is not a big deal. We eat it, or we don’t.

This time, the visit was around a big family event. We hosted a meal at our house for a mix of Indian and non-Indian friends and family members. (Everyone lives in the US and the Indian side of the family regularly eats a mix of Indian and Western food.) We had the meal catered and had tons of food, all of it vegetarian and meeting any stated dietary restrictions. In the middle of the meal, MIL starts pulling out her homemade food and pushing it on people.

It felt rude to me. It’s not her house, she’s not the host, we had plenty of food. DH thinks his mom is nuts in general, but does this seem reasonable to other people?

It’s cultural but like 50 years ago. My mom is 80 and wouldn’t even think of doing such thing. I actually can’t even imagine my late grandma doing it without discussing with the hostess, even if it’s her daughter or DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cultural difference.

It would be rude of her to show up without bringing a dish. Indian moms feed people. It’s definitely a love language.

For the entire event not to have any food from the elder woman in the family would be weird and relegates her to the level of all the non family guests that just show up and eat.

Yes it’s not a big deal but it’s only polite to get an okay with her son and DIL.

[Anonymous]

The specific episode of having a catered dinner snd during the dinner taking our her food and serving it to guests without telling the host is weird. The fact that she brings food when she visit from out of state is normal to me snd I am surprised people say is cultural. I am a foreigner snd married an America. My MIL was born and lived all her life in the Midwest (white, Christian, English/Scottish/Irish/ descent while FIL is German/English, both families being in the Midwest a the latest since 1850), so really quintessential “American” . She always would bring something when she visited from he Midwest, cookies, frozen casseroles, something she knew the kids. Seemed pretty American to me, not “cultural” (I.e. some people from ethnic groups other than wasp)

[Anonymous]

I think she's a little crazy but not worth fighting. Let her do it if she wants to.

[Anonymous]

I have an Indian mother in law and she does not do this. But she always asks if she can bring a dish and now we ask her to make a specific dish that we like whenever we host an event. I think it makes her feel good to provide something. Bringing several dishes is obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

I wish she would have brought it to my house!I miss my mom and her homemade Indian food. Rip mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am white, raised in the US. DH was born here, but ILs were born in India. When MIL comes to visit from out of state, she always brings food. Usually this is not a big deal. We eat it, or we don’t.

This time, the visit was around a big family event. We hosted a meal at our house for a mix of Indian and non-Indian friends and family members. (Everyone lives in the US and the Indian side of the family regularly eats a mix of Indian and Western food.) We had the meal catered and had tons of food, all of it vegetarian and meeting any stated dietary restrictions. In the middle of the meal, MIL starts pulling out her homemade food and pushing it on people.

It felt rude to me. It’s not her house, she’s not the host, we had plenty of food. DH thinks his mom is nuts in general, but does this seem reasonable to other people?

It’s cultural but like 50 years ago. My mom is 80 and wouldn’t even think of doing such thing. I actually can’t even imagine my late grandma doing it without discussing with the hostess, even if it’s her daughter or DIL.

Disagree. This is cultural and happens today as well. My MiL would definitely do something like this but it has never been considered rude by people. But people (including myself) also like my MiL. Your previous boundary issues are playing into this. The act itself should be looked at in a cultural context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am white, raised in the US. DH was born here, but ILs were born in India. When MIL comes to visit from out of state, she always brings food. Usually this is not a big deal. We eat it, or we don’t.

This time, the visit was around a big family event. We hosted a meal at our house for a mix of Indian and non-Indian friends and family members. (Everyone lives in the US and the Indian side of the family regularly eats a mix of Indian and Western food.) We had the meal catered and had tons of food, all of it vegetarian and meeting any stated dietary restrictions. In the middle of the meal, MIL starts pulling out her homemade food and pushing it on people.

It felt rude to me. It’s not her house, she’s not the host, we had plenty of food. DH thinks his mom is nuts in general, but does this seem reasonable to other people?

Reasonable because she is not a mind-reader. If you want her to not bring food for the other Indians, tell her BEFORE she cooks. She may not be used to restaurant Indian and need to bring food for herself to avoid IBS. Now, had you privately and kindly explained it ahead of time like the wrestling mom whose MIL had a ego thing of not listening, then it would have ill-intent. Your MIL just sounds naive about what it rude in this country. Instead of calling her nuts, try using your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am white, raised in the US. DH was born here, but ILs were born in India. When MIL comes to visit from out of state, she always brings food. Usually this is not a big deal. We eat it, or we don’t.

This time, the visit was around a big family event. We hosted a meal at our house for a mix of Indian and non-Indian friends and family members. (Everyone lives in the US and the Indian side of the family regularly eats a mix of Indian and Western food.) We had the meal catered and had tons of food, all of it vegetarian and meeting any stated dietary restrictions. In the middle of the meal, MIL starts pulling out her homemade food and pushing it on people.

It felt rude to me. It’s not her house, she’s not the host, we had plenty of food. DH thinks his mom is nuts in general, but does this seem reasonable to other people?

Reasonable because she is not a mind-reader. If you want her to not bring food for the other Indians, tell her BEFORE she cooks. She may not be used to restaurant Indian and need to bring food for herself to avoid IBS. Now, had you privately and kindly explained it ahead of time like the wrestling mom whose MIL had a ego thing of not listening, then it would have ill-intent. Your MIL just sounds naive about what it rude in this country. Instead of calling her nuts, try using your words.

OP here. We talked ahead of time. MIL knew what events were planned. She said she’d bring the things she usually does (for the family, not the event - ILs came out several days early so we could spend some time with them before everyone came), and told us specifically how much she was planning to bring. I told her we would save space in the refrigerator because we’d have a lot of food. She came with twice as much as discussed, saying that she wanted to send some home with SIL, and we made room for it. She did not at any time ask to help with the event.

Your imagination is great, but she does not have IBS and serves restaurant food at her own parties all the time. And she’s lived in the US longer than I’ve been alive. DH has 40+ years experience with his mom; his assessment is not tied to this one specific incident.

[Anonymous]

It's rude. You follow the customs of the people you are visiting. It is up top her son to set limits with her, but that will be culturally complex.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, Indian American here. What you describe is typical and it does drive me bananas. if I"m planning a holiday event and spend all day making desserts, my mom will show up with hers. If I am planning brunch , my MIL will show up with a dish. They don't know how to not do this. I can also assume that this is not the only issue with boundaries. Decide for yourself which fight is worth it and which to let go. For me, I've let the food stuff go because I need them to respect my privacy in other domains and that's where I focus on my push back. They are not happy unless you have a U-Haul's worth of leftovers

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm and Indian American.. and my MIL is all about how healthy home cooked meals are.. so, she will always bring her "home cooked meals" everywhere..

[Anonymous]

If I had a MIL bringing Indian food to my house, I would not be getting territorial about who the host is