Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Run

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad the thread was deleted, I would have shared the story of Engagement Ring girl with you OP. Because that is the exact same scenario.

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/a-dc-lawyer-is-suing-his-former-girlfriend-for-the-return-of-a-100000-engagement-ring-2018-09-25

Ha! I know this guy.

Did he get the ring back? Is he still in biglaw?

[Anonymous]

I think it says a lot about you, OP, that you think “every important issue” in a relationship is about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save 90% of what you make? You are cheap.

OP here. That’s was bit of exaggeration but I save majority of my money. I live in a paid off condo my parents bought as their vacation home in VA. I make roughly $400k and live on about $40k a year. I have no debt and don’t buy things I don’t need. I pay them a small rent fee, utilities, household necessities, food, and phone bill. I spend roughly 2500-3000k a month. Some months I spend more. I’ve been able to save a ton during the pandemic with everything closed down. I’ve been able to save a large amount of money by living like this.

I think it’s going to be hard to find someone to match your level of frugality which is pretty extreme, and maybe even unhealthy (you need to have some risk tolerance to grow wealth.). But certainly you can find someone who is closer to your values, as it sounds like she takes money for granted which is an opposite extreme and a recipe for disastrous marriage. If you do stay together, several counselors/therapists have premarital sessions they offer to go over these issues so you know going in what your beliefs are.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand if she was raised wealthy, why her parents aren’t paying for the wedding? Have they had a change of financial circumstances? Is this a second wedding for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save 90% of what you make? You are cheap.

OP here. That’s was bit of exaggeration but I save majority of my money. I live in a paid off condo my parents bought as their vacation home in VA. I make roughly $400k and live on about $40k a year. I have no debt and don’t buy things I don’t need. I pay them a small rent fee, utilities, household necessities, food, and phone bill. I spend roughly 2500-3000k a month. Some months I spend more. I’ve been able to save a ton during the pandemic with everything closed down. I’ve been able to save a large amount of money by living like this.

I think it’s going to be hard to find someone to match your level of frugality which is pretty extreme, and maybe even unhealthy (you need to have some risk tolerance to grow wealth.). But certainly you can find someone who is closer to your values, as it sounds like she takes money for granted which is an opposite extreme and a recipe for disastrous marriage. If you do stay together, several counselors/therapists have premarital sessions they offer to go over these issues so you know going in what your beliefs are.

OP, I have a feeling the issue is you. Your lifestyle is unhealthy and if you continue this you will wake up one day and realize life passed you by. I’m a former FIRE enthusiast and realized how much I missed out on. I’m now incredibly wealthy almost 10 million and 40 and have no one to share it with. Sure I can find a girl to marry but she will be doing it for money and now I feel to old to have kids. I’m very depressed. For the love of god keep this girl, but her the house, have babies and learn to be happy

[Anonymous]

What is she bringing to the table in all of this? Apart from a snotty attitude about other people's engagement rings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You save 90% of what you make? You are cheap.

OP here. That’s was bit of exaggeration but I save majority of my money. I live in a paid off condo my parents bought as their vacation home in VA. I make roughly $400k and live on about $40k a year. I have no debt and don’t buy things I don’t need. I pay them a small rent fee, utilities, household necessities, food, and phone bill. I spend roughly 2500-3000k a month. Some months I spend more. I’ve been able to save a ton during the pandemic with everything closed down. I’ve been able to save a large amount of money by living like this.

I think it’s going to be hard to find someone to match your level of frugality which is pretty extreme, and maybe even unhealthy (you need to have some risk tolerance to grow wealth.). But certainly you can find someone who is closer to your values, as it sounds like she takes money for granted which is an opposite extreme and a recipe for disastrous marriage. If you do stay together, several counselors/therapists have premarital sessions they offer to go over these issues so you know going in what your beliefs are.

OP, I have a feeling the issue is you. Your lifestyle is unhealthy and if you continue this you will wake up one day and realize life passed you by. I’m a former FIRE enthusiast and realized how much I missed out on. I’m now incredibly wealthy almost 10 million and 40 and have no one to share it with. Sure I can find a girl to marry but she will be doing it for money and now I feel to old to have kids. I’m very depressed. For the love of god keep this girl, but her the house, have babies and learn to be happy

Good to see OP’s fiancé checking in.

[Anonymous]

With some exceptions, most women who grew up in conventional, happy umc or wealthy suburban lives want to repeat that. She may be sending signals that the frugal stuff she pretended to be in sync with has to go. You have a right to be concerned if this is a sudden pivot. And at the same time, she has a right to know if you are unhappy with her statements and unwilling to spend money as she sees fit. That way she can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is she bringing to the table in all of this? Apart from a snotty attitude about other people's engagement rings?

Wealthy parents, it seems? Attractive? Unattractive?

[Anonymous]

Op, please report back once youre had your talk with her. I’m oddly invested in knowing how this all works out. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad the thread was deleted, I would have shared the story of Engagement Ring girl with you OP. Because that is the exact same scenario.

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/a-dc-lawyer-is-suing-his-former-girlfriend-for-the-return-of-a-100000-engagement-ring-2018-09-25

Ha! I know this guy.

Did he get the ring back? Is he still in biglaw?

Last I recall, he was in Biglaw, but in Richmond. As far as the ring...this is not exactly a subject you bring up lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it says a lot about you, OP, that you think “every important issue” in a relationship is about money.

Well, they’re not even married yet and she’s already shifting things like when to have kids and being a SAH.

And face it, many adult decisions have a financial impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

On the SAHP thing, are you willing to ease up on your own career (maybe switch to a job with lower pay but better quality of life) is you can be a full 50% partner on the home and childcare front?

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you think are reasonable compromises on these issues? Where are you willing to deviate from your ideal plan?