MIL will not accept adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?

Get divorced and try again with a different partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP

dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.

Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off.
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.

It is very strange to me that you expect people to love your kids. I love my siblings' kids but it took years of getting to know them for me to come to love them. It didn't instantly happen! And I don't expect it to happen when and if I have grandkids, either. Anyone who says they love kids who aren't their own who they don't know very well -- is a liar, or someone who loves so easily that their love isn't worth much at all, because it applies so widely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP

dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.

Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off.
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.

It is very strange to me that you expect people to love your kids. I love my siblings' kids but it took years of getting to know them for me to come to love them. It didn't instantly happen! And I don't expect it to happen when and if I have grandkids, either. Anyone who says they love kids who aren't their own who they don't know very well -- is a liar, or someone who loves so easily that their love isn't worth much at all, because it applies so widely.

Follow up -- I re-read your post and maybe this is what you mean by "need time to love them."

If so, I agree with that. I WANTED to love my siblings' kids and so I made time over the years to get to know them, understanding that that was necessary to truly come to love them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.


Really You Can FFY.

[Anonymous]

Striking amount of judgment and bluster on such a sensitive topic. Good luck to the OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.

.

Apparently PP has trouble with reading comprehension since i never said biological parents do not love their kids but that real parents are the one the ones who actually care for their kids. Obviously, the vast majority of the time, it is biological parents who provide real care but not always. Not one teacher, parent or child had an issue with this explanation - it did not encourage them to contract their view of families but to expand it. It certainly stopped the bullying about DC not having a real family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.


Really You Can FFY.

Because it is ugly. You don't have the right to come into a school and teach anyone else's child about a sensitive topic like adoption. And the quickly tossed off "FFY" further shows your level of judgment is off and you shouldn't be in front of any school children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

Schools and other parents are particularly bad with adoption. Most other parents don't teach their kids as its just not something in their world view. So, some kids at the elementary level haven't heard of it. Teachers are a mixed bag. Either very supportive or not. We had a teacher get mad when we added extra boxes for birth mom and her family in our family tree. Teacher didn't feel it was "appropriate' to share about it at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.


Really You Can FFY.

Because it is ugly. You don't have the right to come into a school and teach anyone else's child about a sensitive topic like adoption. And the quickly tossed off "FFY" further shows your level of judgment is off and you shouldn't be in front of any school children.

You don’t have the right to pass judgement on me as a parent of both adoptive and biological children. My adopted child was being bullied and the school wanted me to come in and address the issues by helping the kids to understand that adopted children are very much loved and real children.

It was not ugly. - it was beautiful. The children grew in their understanding of how loving families are formed. The principal, teachers and other parents were very supportive of expanding the views of children who did not understand that adopted children in multiracial families who may not look like other members of the family are very much of real families.

You are making this negative when it was not. It had very positive outcomes at school and my adopted child is very bonded to our family.

I stand by what I said, and am grateful the school trusted me to broach a sensitive topic with the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Striking amount of judgment and bluster on such a sensitive topic. Good luck to the OP!

+1,000

OP be prepared - it is not just your MiL but many judgmental people in society who will critique adopted parents, especially those leading multi racial families. They will feel entitled to declare harsh judgments, ask inappropriate questions about families of origin and generally undermine your efforts to provide a loving family.

Hence, It is really helpful to have a social support network. If your ILs will not support you, there are adoption support services and support groups who meet through adoption organization.

Whatever, you decide OP, good luck. I think you are wise to put feelers out for how much support you would have in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

[phone]

Biological parents are real parents. Adoptive parents are real
Parents. For this parent to aggrandize herself at the expense of bio parents, especially in a role sanctioned by the school, is disgusting. A parent who is deployed, sick, incarcerated, or so many other reasons is also still a “real parent”. Everyday caretaking does not solely define a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.


Really You Can FFY.

Because it is ugly. You don't have the right to come into a school and teach anyone else's child about a sensitive topic like adoption. And the quickly tossed off "FFY" further shows your level of judgment is off and you shouldn't be in front of any school children.

You don’t have the right to pass judgement on me as a parent of both adoptive and biological children. My adopted child was being bullied and the school wanted me to come in and address the issues by helping the kids to understand that adopted children are very much loved and real children.

It was not ugly. - it was beautiful. The children grew in their understanding of how loving families are formed. The principal, teachers and other parents were very supportive of expanding the views of children who did not understand that adopted children in multiracial families who may not look like other members of the family are very much of real families.

You are making this negative when it was not. It had very positive outcomes at school and my adopted child is very bonded to our family.

I stand by what I said, and am grateful the school trusted me to broach a sensitive topic with the children.

I’m sure it was beautiful for you because it reinforced your own self concept and helped your child. But you did so at the expense of children’s understanding of biological family bonds. If a child’s mother died when she was 2, and she doesn’t take care of that child day to day now that she is your child’s classmate, she’s not her “real” mother? A child’s mother carried her for 9 months and suffers from separation and worry every day because she relinquished her for adoption by another woman…she’s not a “real” mother? GTFOH. I would have raised hell if I heard my child was told this at school. You think this was beautiful?!! You don’t know who you hurt. You think a child whose parent was denigrated that day is going to speak up and tell you?