MIL will not accept adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do what works for you and you immediate family. If you pursue it, tell her that you are glad for her honesty upfront but regret that your decision to move ahead with welcoming a new child will negatively affect her relationship with your family.

And then drop her.

Dropping her for this mistake on OP's part is analogous to hiring a cook and then firing them because they cannot run the entire household. MIL should not have been asked questions on how OP and her DH would like to create their nuclear family. Inappropriate questions often gives rise to inappropriate answers.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but I feel similarly to the way I feel about cutting off non-vaccinated relatives -- which is that it's stupid and deplorable, but the relationship is larger.

I don't know what other options you have, but at the same time, what your MIL is telling you is that you may have to cut her off. Which means your kids won't have grandparents. Are you okay with that? I don't think it's as clear cut as "she's terrible anyway who wants her." this will have major implications for your family and it's possible she could be a great grandmother and positive force to an bio kid DESPITE having messed up views on adoption.

If you have bio children, will she treat them differently (sounds like probably) so there will be a greater likelihood of cutting off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP

dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.

Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off.
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.

But isn’t it wise to at least test the waters and see what can be expected?
OP here. I was hoping that MIL might help with a baby, so yes I was asking questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP

dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.

Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off.
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.

But isn’t it wise to at least test the waters and see what can be expected?
OP here. I was hoping that MIL might help with a baby, so yes I was asking questions.

OP, I agree that your MIL should not be part of the equation of whether or not you and your DH adopt. I also agree that her response seems heartless and cruel but none of us were there to see how this actually played out.

Was this a serious question posed to her or did you spring it on her in a casual manner? Context can be important here. Can you relate exactly what you said and her exact response? I get that most people on DCUM deem MILs guilty automatically but it's only fair to at least give someone a chance to explain themselves. If someone is posed a hypothetical question in a casual manner, that is much different than having an honest conversation about a serious topic.

If you are expecting your MIL to help/assist with childcare I would think that you and your DH would be close enough to have a straightforward conversation about it. "Mom, we wanted to let you know that we are looking into adoption options. We know any child we bring into our home is deserving of our unconditional love and hope you feel the same way."

While you and your DH are the only ones who need to make decisions on how to grow your family, I do give you credit for at least trying to test the waters to see what the reactions are from immediate family members. Even if their responses are not what you wanted, hopefully they are open enough to start a dialogue and perhaps gain greater understanding. That will only benefit you and your family in the future.

As you have seen most people on DCUM will also immediately cut off any parent/IL who makes the slightest wrong move so keep that in mind. FWIW, we did not know our DS/DIL were even considering adoption until they called out of the blue while we were sitting at dinner with other people, to say, "Congrats! We just brought home our child - your first grandchild!" We love the child to pieces and would never even consider "not accepting" them but we were hurt about being completely in the dark until the day they brought the child home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t ask family members for opinions on this type of decision. If you adopt she will either treat the child with life and like other grandchildren she had or she won’t and you need to keep your child away from her. ( adoptive mom)

+1

You can't survey friends and family on a decision like this. You need to make it for yourselves. It's like baby names. If you ask people in the abstract, you'll get one set of answers. If you present them with the actual baby, you'll get different reactions.

If you actually have adopted a child and your MIL says she won't accept it, then I'd keep my kid away from her, no exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Adoptive parent and adult adoptee here.

During our adoption process, we were asked if we had family support in adopting. We did, so I can't say for certain what the agency's response would've been otherwise, but I suspect that if you don't, they want you to fully ponder what your familial relationships would look like and how that might impact your life and your child's life. I don't think it's a bad to consider these things overall...not to say it would or should stop you from adopting, but it does raise potential issues that should be discussed.

Some of these comments make me so thankful my extended adoptive family welcomed me with open arms and that my in-laws also welcomed our adopted child just as equally as our bio child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have adopted a child? If not, what's the point of your question?
If you have adopted or are in a process of adoption, it is her loss, she is a terrible human being. Imagine saying she will not accept a child? How ugly she is inside and out.

Not yet, but we are thinking about it and asked our family members what they think( hoping for support).

Well, you asked and she told you.
I think she is a horrible human being. Don't ask other people to weigh in on such personal decisions.

I would adopt. Her loss
And next time you have a decision to make don't ask for input.

I won’t.
I just really hoped for support that’s all
I guess we are alone in this.

I didn't mean to sound harsh, best of luck in your journey to adoption.
Ignore input and commentary from ILs, it really will be their loss. Who doesn't love a baby?

+ 1
Also, what kind of support you wanted out of these three? 1 - Money 2 - Childcare, 3 - Words of encouragement

Because 1 and 2 are your own responsibility and expense. And for 3, you have forums and support groups.

If your SO and you want to adopt kids, your holidays just became so much more easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not.

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP

dp I think this seems harsh. You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change.

Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off.
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.

But isn’t it wise to at least test the waters and see what can be expected?
OP here. I was hoping that MIL might help with a baby, so yes I was asking questions.

I am willing to bet that MIL will help with the baby. She was just stating her preference. And if people were being honest, most of them would tell you that they prefer a biological grandchild. But most people don't ask these types of questions...It does not mean that they would love an adopted one any less.

You should have "tested" the waters by informing her that you would be adopting, and that you might have to lean on her for some babysitting. You question was odd. And you got an odd reply. There isn't any more to this. Adopt and give her a chance. She will surprise you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your all responses.
The reason we decided to look into adoption is that I can’t conceive bio child, we had multiple failed IVFs. MIL had no interest in listening about my struggles, the question we asked was casual, and she said that she would prefer Scottish child (DH is Scottish).
I was super hurt as she knows I can’t bring a bio child. So i felt it was double kick into my stomach. I know I shouldn’t have even ask but I feel really defeated and fragile now.

Thank you all for listening.

P.S. my parents are welcoming of the possible adopted child, but they live very far from us and won’t be able to help with babysitting. IL live 10 min from us and retired. This is our first child, so I have no knowledge to how even bath the baby. I had no siblings growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your all responses.
The reason we decided to look into adoption is that I can’t conceive bio child, we had multiple failed IVFs. MIL had no interest in listening about my struggles, the question we asked was casual, and she said that she would prefer Scottish child (DH is Scottish).
I was super hurt as she knows I can’t bring a bio child. So i felt it was double kick into my stomach. I know I shouldn’t have even ask but I feel really defeated and fragile now.

Thank you all for listening.

P.S. my parents are welcoming of the possible adopted child, but they live very far from us and won’t be able to help with babysitting. IL live 10 min from us and retired. This is our first child, so I have no knowledge to how even bath the baby. I had no siblings growing up.

No one knows what they are doing when they have a child. If you do adopt, there are many, many classes you will have to take, you’ll be more prepared than a bio parent (but still, nothing can actually prepare you for parenting.)
You will also get to discuss with a social worker that your in laws aren’t supportive and they’ll give you some perspective on how to address the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent and adult adoptee here.

During our adoption process, we were asked if we had family support in adopting. We did, so I can't say for certain what the agency's response would've been otherwise, but I suspect that if you don't, they want you to fully ponder what your familial relationships would look like and how that might impact your life and your child's life. I don't think it's a bad to consider these things overall...not to say it would or should stop you from adopting, but it does raise potential issues that should be discussed.

Some of these comments make me so thankful my extended adoptive family welcomed me with open arms and that my in-laws also welcomed our adopted child just as equally as our bio child.

This stood out to me and is an important issue. Glad your agency at least broached it. Evidently in our family's situation (a private adoption, no agency involved) they must not have asked this question. We did not even know the adoption was in process until the day the child was brought home. I wonder if the couple said they hadn't told anyone and didn't plan to until it was finalized.

[Anonymous]

OP I mean this kindly, but if you aren't in therapy I would recommend it. You're on an exhausting journey and it would be good to have a support system outside your husband and immediate family.

From your post and comments, you sound really vulnerable and fragile right now. I wouldn't seek opinions from anyone at the moment (including DCUM!) as I can't see how it will help your mental state.

Best of luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

When my oldest was a baby, MIL asked if we were worried about mental health issues because of some of the relatives from my side of the family. She was serious. What??? At the time I fumed and had a lot of anger.

Almost 15 years later, I see her now as an old woman who says crazy and offending things to all people. She loves her grandchildren and is kind to my family. Everyone knows to ignore the crazy that comes out of her mouth sometimes. It’s not worth destroying relationships over unless her actions march her word. If your MIL ever told your actual child she didn’t accept them the relationship would be over. Protect your kids at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but I feel similarly to the way I feel about cutting off non-vaccinated relatives -- which is that it's stupid and deplorable, but the relationship is larger.

I don't know what other options you have, but at the same time, what your MIL is telling you is that you may have to cut her off. Which means your kids won't have grandparents. Are you okay with that? I don't think it's as clear cut as "she's terrible anyway who wants her." this will have major implications for your family and it's possible she could be a great grandmother and positive force to an bio kid DESPITE having messed up views on adoption.

If you have bio children, will she treat them differently (sounds like probably) so there will be a greater likelihood of cutting off.

Cut them off. I tell people like you I'm not vaccinated even though I am because you are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your all responses.
The reason we decided to look into adoption is that I can’t conceive bio child, we had multiple failed IVFs. MIL had no interest in listening about my struggles, the question we asked was casual, and she said that she would prefer Scottish child (DH is Scottish).
I was super hurt as she knows I can’t bring a bio child. So i felt it was double kick into my stomach. I know I shouldn’t have even ask but I feel really defeated and fragile now.

Thank you all for listening.

P.S. my parents are welcoming of the possible adopted child, but they live very far from us and won’t be able to help with babysitting. IL live 10 min from us and retired. This is our first child, so I have no knowledge to how even bath the baby. I had no siblings growing up.

No one knows what they are doing when they have a child. If you do adopt, there are many, many classes you will have to take, you’ll be more prepared than a bio parent (but still, nothing can actually prepare you for parenting.)
You will also get to discuss with a social worker that your in laws aren’t supportive and they’ll give you some perspective on how to address the topic.

The adoption classes are a joke and nothing prepares you.