MIL will not accept adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.


Really You Can FFY.

Because it is ugly. You don't have the right to come into a school and teach anyone else's child about a sensitive topic like adoption. And the quickly tossed off "FFY" further shows your level of judgment is off and you shouldn't be in front of any school children.

You don’t have the right to pass judgement on me as a parent of both adoptive and biological children. My adopted child was being bullied and the school wanted me to come in and address the issues by helping the kids to understand that adopted children are very much loved and real children.

It was not ugly. - it was beautiful. The children grew in their understanding of how loving families are formed. The principal, teachers and other parents were very supportive of expanding the views of children who did not understand that adopted children in multiracial families who may not look like other members of the family are very much of real families.

You are making this negative when it was not. It had very positive outcomes at school and my adopted child is very bonded to our family.

I stand by what I said, and am grateful the school trusted me to broach a sensitive topic with the children.

I’m sure it was beautiful for you because it reinforced your own self concept and helped your child. But you did so at the expense of children’s understanding of biological family bonds. If a child’s mother died when she was 2, and she doesn’t take care of that child day to day now that she is your child’s classmate, she’s not her “real” mother? A child’s mother carried her for 9 months and suffers from separation and worry every day because she relinquished her for adoption by another woman…she’s not a “real” mother? GTFOH. I would have raised hell if I heard my child was told this at school. You think this was beautiful?!! You don’t know who you hurt. You think a child whose parent was denigrated that day is going to speak up and tell you?

I agree. It sounds like this school acted to placate PP without regard to any of the potential complications that might arise from PP's well-meaning but ultimately self-serving lecture. If I were a parent whose kid were subjected to this "re-education" in lieu of actual lessons, I'd be quite irritated -- or, if a widow/widower whose child was in this classroom, I'd be downright livid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

[phone]

Plus one. PP’s misplaced vitriol against the adoptive mom who stood up for her child being bullied in the way school invited her to highlights the need for social support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

[phone]

Biological parents are real parents. Adoptive parents are real
Parents. For this parent to aggrandize herself at the expense of bio parents, especially in a role sanctioned by the school, is disgusting. A parent who is deployed, sick, incarcerated, or so many other reasons is also still a “real parent”. Everyday caretaking does not solely define a parent.

This is a thread about the need for adoptive parents to have moral support. You are under#coring that point very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have not read all of these responses yet, but let me give you my thoughts as a 50 year old adoptee.
1. My maternal grandmother was always nice enough to me, but the older I got the more I understood and heard references to the fact that I was adopted. She even said it in front of my college friends, saying that I was her granddaughter, but adopted. I realized that I was never quite her “real” granddaughter and a few things kind of added up.

Just today I had lunch with an older women who knows I am adopted, and anytime I mention my mom she asks, “your adopted mom? I have to reiterate that my adopted mom is my real mom. Always the same.

Both ladies were older generations, Hispanic. Adopted and bio children are the same to them, but not.

If you have a relative that will always qualify whether your child is a “real” or “adopted” grandkid, be prepared to face it head on. You do it by acknowledging the fault of the relative. But more importantly, you raise that kid with so much damn love that he or she never doubts their standing in your heart, and that they were chosen and wanted (and for some, desperately wanted). You must preempt the abandonment issues that come with kids not raised in that environment.

I agree. We have a bio and adopted child.

My adopted child received many hurtful comments at school about not having real parents etc. I told the private school and asked to go in and talk to the kids to educate them about adoption. The school allowed me and I spent an entire period in a ES class talking about real parents are the ones who really love you, who really do all the work to feed, clothe, shelter and educate their children. Biological parents may or may not be real parents. Also that adoptive children are born in their parents hearts in very real ways. We read stories such as “Coco finds a mother” illustrating adoption in kid friendly stories. It helped a lot and dd never received those comments at school after that.

Our families have been very accepting and loving towards adopted child and I would be extremely upset if MIL said anything like OP’s MIL did.

OP, I do agree with pps that parents’ ability to love, care and validate adopted children is the most important factor at play in successful adoption. However, it does help to have moral support and validation from extended family.

I would suggest DH try educating his parents and family about the value and beauty of building families through adoption. There are great pre and post adoption services in DMV such as CASE. However, I would also let her know that you expect any biological and adoptive children to be treated equally.

Your school should be ashamed for letting YOU be the self-proclaimed expert on adoption and parents. How dare you?

Most adoptions now are open which means children very well may know, and have relationships with, their birth families. Imagine if there was a child in that class who had a close relationship with birth parents/family and said to them, "I don't think you REALLY love me. Because at school a person came in and taught us that my adopted parents are the ones who REALLY love me because they feed me and take care of me every day - you don't."

How dare you make this an ugly thing? It was actually the principal who first suggested it and it was very well recieved by kids, the two teachers and other parents. It was small private school and there was bullying going on. They believe strongly in home school partnerships and so do we.

It worked for us and for our kids and for our small school class.


Really You Can FFY.

Because it is ugly. You don't have the right to come into a school and teach anyone else's child about a sensitive topic like adoption. And the quickly tossed off "FFY" further shows your level of judgment is off and you shouldn't be in front of any school children.

You don’t have the right to pass judgement on me as a parent of both adoptive and biological children. My adopted child was being bullied and the school wanted me to come in and address the issues by helping the kids to understand that adopted children are very much loved and real children.

It was not ugly. - it was beautiful. The children grew in their understanding of how loving families are formed. The principal, teachers and other parents were very supportive of expanding the views of children who did not understand that adopted children in multiracial families who may not look like other members of the family are very much of real families.

You are making this negative when it was not. It had very positive outcomes at school and my adopted child is very bonded to our family.

I stand by what I said, and am grateful the school trusted me to broach a sensitive topic with the children.

I’m sure it was beautiful for you because it reinforced your own self concept and helped your child. But you did so at the expense of children’s understanding of biological family bonds. If a child’s mother died when she was 2, and she doesn’t take care of that child day to day now that she is your child’s classmate, she’s not her “real” mother? A child’s mother carried her for 9 months and suffers from separation and worry every day because she relinquished her for adoption by another woman…she’s not a “real” mother? GTFOH. I would have raised hell if I heard my child was told this at school. You think this was beautiful?!! You don’t know who you hurt. You think a child whose parent was denigrated that day is going to speak up and tell you?

Adoptive young child was being bullied for not looking like the rest of family. It caused a lot of sadness. School invited discussion to help the children understand adopted children are just as loved and wanted as biological children are. Bullying stopped. Parents and teachers gave positive feedback. The young kids did not understand how kids could look so different to their parents to and still be their real children. It was contextual and obvious I was referring to our own child and the kids asked questions related to multiracial adoptions.

Since both the parents and teachers asked me to do quite a lot of sensitive community building work at the school, there seemed to be acknowledgement that I try hard to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I am sorry I offended you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Striking amount of judgment and bluster on such a sensitive topic. Good luck to the OP!

+1,000

OP be prepared - it is not just your MiL but many judgmental people in society who will critique adopted parents, especially those leading multi racial families. They will feel entitled to declare harsh judgments, ask inappropriate questions about families of origin and generally undermine your efforts to provide a loving family.

Hence, It is really helpful to have a social support network. If your ILs will not support you, there are adoption support services and support groups who meet through adoption organization.

Whatever, you decide OP, good luck. I think you are wise to put feelers out for how much support you would have in the family.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL openly said she doesn’t want adopted grandchild. What would you do?

I would drop that MIL out of our lives so fast that her head would spin. That is a cruel and ugly thing to say!