Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

[Anonymous]

Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

[Anonymous]

My DH:

Solid but not impressive income (@100k) but with phenomenal benefits, not a ton of hours, and he's a very frugal person regarding his personal spending so I feel like it evens out
His frugalness can sometimes get imposed in annoying ways on the rest of us (mostly in just talking too much about how much things cost in a way that is annoying) but mostly we're on the same page
Amazing cook, great baker, and he does this with regularity
Does not clean at all. He thinks he does because he does laundry or loads the dishwasher sometimes, but I do 95% of the cleaning. Luckily I like cleaning.
Moderate libido, but I am low libido and he's pretty understanding about that, so it works out well.
Takes care of himself generally -- eats well, exercises, very good hygiene
BUT never goes to the doctor and has a weird phobia about the dentist which has gotten more stressful as we age
Good looking -- great hair, handsome face, dad bod but not overweight
Good dad, though as with cleaning, he leaves way too much of this to me even when I actively ask for help. But it's not like he does nothing -- he's an involved father, just does not take a lot of parenting initiative. I do think this has gotten better and will continue to get better as our kid gets older. Babies/toddlers/preschoolers are hard.
Has a temper though generally does not take it out on me or DC (when he does I call him on it and he apologizes). Bigger issue is that sometimes he checks out emotional ("whatever, I don't care"). I call him on this too but consider it a more worrying issue. Passion is promising, even when misdirected. Apathy is not.
Not a great gift giver and terrible at planning dates/vacations/etc. I do all of this and wish he'd do a little more.

Overall I feel fortunate but our marriage is definitely work and sometimes harder work than others. But he's also not a bad guy and I do love him. Plus we have a great kid together and I love our overall family dynamic. I think it's a balance of good and bad, and so am I, and in a way I think that bodes well for longevity. My dating experience before I met him is that a lot of superstar qualities (really good looking, very high earner, super ambitious, extremely loving, etc.) can come with serious downsides over time. Not a rule, but definitely a tendency. With my DH, I feel like the assets and flaws are kind of laid out for you to see. Mine is not a marriage with a lot of curveballs or low lows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fun
Funny
Really hard worker
Ambitious
Might work too hard
Short (but still has 6 inches on me)
Fit
Always wants to do the right thing
Gets defensive in arguments
Can’t stand when I’m not happy so tries to change me (so a little controlling in that way)
Earns a lot
Supports me in whatever I want to do (which right now is being a SAHM)
Kind
People pleaser (sometimes I feel like he values being kind to somebody over my. feelings; like if I disagree with a friend of his, he will take his friend’s side in public even if I know he disagrees )
Really smart
Great dad
Low tolerance for mess/clutter
A little critical but not as critical as he is of himself (he just sees this as having high standards for himself; he has done a lot of work to be less critical and more empathetic)
Really authentic
Good in social situations even though is an introvert
Wants to spend time with me
Really close to his family of origin (he’s nice to his mom)

Anonymous wrote:My dh:

Masters, has his dream job, 130k
Wonderful dad, attends everything with me including pediatricians, loves to get down and play with kids
6'2, 162 lbs, very lean and muscular, runs or bikes daily
Easy going and is very happy in his life. Works nonstop at home and at work. He gets more done in a day than most get done in a week.
Terrible cook, but loves to cook daily. Basically force feeds us vegetables.
No fashion sense, but looks great because I've bought all of his clothes for the last 15 years. He won't shop or buy anything ever, but does like to look sharp, especially for meetings.
He's at least 9/10 looks, maybe 10/10. Women stop him in grocery stores to talk. (I barely notice his looks anymore, but I recognize that he's really, really hot). His looks are the first thing my friends talk about when they meet him.
Super disorganized, constantly late. I have to set up all organization, all calendars, have to monitor and babysit so he doesn't forget things. I'm hyper organized because I have to pick up his slack.
No libido

Love my dh and wouldn't trade him in for anything.

On one hand this game is pointless if people don't describe the bad things about their spouse too. On the other hand it's sweet if these posters don't really see any flaws in their spouse beyond "disorganized" and "not self-critical enough".

2nd pp here. Disorganized and late really are his only flaws? He's also lower libido. What else are you looking for? He's pretty fantastic and doesn't have any fatal flaws

It's sweet that you think so, but those are almost definitely not his only flaws. The point of the thread is to describe your spouse objectively - pros and cons. There are likely lots of things about him that other people wouldn't be able to stand. Even if those things don't bother you, the exercise is to be honest about them.

That said I missed the low libido part before. That's obviously a huge dealbreaker for a lot of people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

In. Short fuse and yelling would bother me but it sounds like he's working on himself, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH:

Solid but not impressive income (@100k) but with phenomenal benefits, not a ton of hours, and he's a very frugal person regarding his personal spending so I feel like it evens out
His frugalness can sometimes get imposed in annoying ways on the rest of us (mostly in just talking too much about how much things cost in a way that is annoying) but mostly we're on the same page
Amazing cook, great baker, and he does this with regularity
Does not clean at all. He thinks he does because he does laundry or loads the dishwasher sometimes, but I do 95% of the cleaning. Luckily I like cleaning.
Moderate libido, but I am low libido and he's pretty understanding about that, so it works out well.
Takes care of himself generally -- eats well, exercises, very good hygiene
BUT never goes to the doctor and has a weird phobia about the dentist which has gotten more stressful as we age
Good looking -- great hair, handsome face, dad bod but not overweight
Good dad, though as with cleaning, he leaves way too much of this to me even when I actively ask for help. But it's not like he does nothing -- he's an involved father, just does not take a lot of parenting initiative. I do think this has gotten better and will continue to get better as our kid gets older. Babies/toddlers/preschoolers are hard.
Has a temper though generally does not take it out on me or DC (when he does I call him on it and he apologizes). Bigger issue is that sometimes he checks out emotional ("whatever, I don't care"). I call him on this too but consider it a more worrying issue. Passion is promising, even when misdirected. Apathy is not.
Not a great gift giver and terrible at planning dates/vacations/etc. I do all of this and wish he'd do a little more.

Overall I feel fortunate but our marriage is definitely work and sometimes harder work than others. But he's also not a bad guy and I do love him. Plus we have a great kid together and I love our overall family dynamic. I think it's a balance of good and bad, and so am I, and in a way I think that bodes well for longevity. My dating experience before I met him is that a lot of superstar qualities (really good looking, very high earner, super ambitious, extremely loving, etc.) can come with serious downsides over time. Not a rule, but definitely a tendency. With my DH, I feel like the assets and flaws are kind of laid out for you to see. Mine is not a marriage with a lot of curveballs or low lows.

This is sweet and honest and reflective. Your marriage sounds lovely. In.

[Anonymous]

The good:

Breathtakingly stunning. Tall, dark, and handsome.
Full, thick, luxurious hair with no signs of losing it and no excessive body hair.
Perfect balance of muscular and lean.
Highly involved father, including with my child from a previous marriage. Truly loves being a dad.
One of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Knows everything, always wins trivia night.
Hilarious and thinks I am, too.
High sex drive without being creepy or pushy. Similar sexual interests.
Giving and generous in bed, listens to what I want and doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
Loving, emotionally intelligent, a caregiver.
Engaged. Would rather spend time with me and the kids than on a screen.
Same hobbies as me, so we get to do them together (and as a family).
Good with our dogs, does a huge portion of their care.
Has a bunch of weird little quirks I find so endearing (that I don’t want to name because people would definitely recognize him, ha)

The Bad:

Takes FOREVER to do anything. I have to lie about when we need to leave for things, if I say 6pm he won’t be ready until 7-730. Or takes three hours to clean one room.
Night owl while I’m an early bird. So I often find myself staying up later than I’d like (and feeling sleep deprived) so we can spend time together, but he’ll rarely get up early for me (says he will but sleeps in anyway).
Underachiever. SO smart but intimidated to get a degree. Happy with a mediocre job with mediocre pay. Not bad pay or a bad job, but not what he’d really love to be doing. But, it does give him amazing work-life balance, which we both prefer anyway.
Very different tastes in movies and shows, so we can never find anything to watch. He’s very artsy and likes weird things, I just like regular ol’ entertainment that doesn’t make me think too hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good:

Breathtakingly stunning. Tall, dark, and handsome.
Full, thick, luxurious hair with no signs of losing it and no excessive body hair.
Perfect balance of muscular and lean.
Highly involved father, including with my child from a previous marriage. Truly loves being a dad.
One of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Knows everything, always wins trivia night.
Hilarious and thinks I am, too.
High sex drive without being creepy or pushy. Similar sexual interests.
Giving and generous in bed, listens to what I want and doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
Loving, emotionally intelligent, a caregiver.
Engaged. Would rather spend time with me and the kids than on a screen.
Same hobbies as me, so we get to do them together (and as a family).
Good with our dogs, does a huge portion of their care.
Has a bunch of weird little quirks I find so endearing (that I don’t want to name because people would definitely recognize him, ha)

The Bad:

Takes FOREVER to do anything. I have to lie about when we need to leave for things, if I say 6pm he won’t be ready until 7-730. Or takes three hours to clean one room.
Night owl while I’m an early bird. So I often find myself staying up later than I’d like (and feeling sleep deprived) so we can spend time together, but he’ll rarely get up early for me (says he will but sleeps in anyway).
Underachiever. SO smart but intimidated to get a degree. Happy with a mediocre job with mediocre pay. Not bad pay or a bad job, but not what he’d really love to be doing. But, it does give him amazing work-life balance, which we both prefer anyway.
Very different tastes in movies and shows, so we can never find anything to watch. He’s very artsy and likes weird things, I just like regular ol’ entertainment that doesn’t make me think too hard.

In. Taking forever to do things would annoy me a lot but not a dealbreaker. Everything else sounds great.

[Anonymous]

wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Loving, generous (in bed and out) and generally easy to get along with but has the kind of temper where he loses control when he’s in it - will scream in my face or kids’, but doesn’t happen often and will apologize
Excellent father who works to have close relationships with all kids
Works a lot, definitely much more than 9-5, but has flexibility so will attend kid games, etc.
Does more than his share around house despite fact that I am SAHM and he is happy to hire people to help
Does not cook but appreciates that I do
No interest in handling finances except on macro level
Not too tall (5’9”) but fit, attractive, exercises most days
Smart, well-educated, high EQ, well-regarded professionally
One of those people literally everyone likes, loyal friend
Fun and funny in an endearing way
Likes to do things together
Can tend to get dragged down emotionally in difficult situations so I have to support him and not just focus on primary issue (for example, one of the kids)
Very nice to my family, good friends with my siblings
Very high earner - $2m+
Great at giving gifts 🙂


Where do you live? I'm coming to get your man. Dang -- I'd have to die first. Mmmm...let me start my good ole gas oven because this dude is worth it!


I'm sorry but did you miss the part where he screams in her face or her kids' faces?

Did you miss where I said this is infrequent, like once a year? I should also clarify that the “kids” are young adults, in college or already graduated (and when he gets upset they usually deserve it). He has a temper that very infrequently gets the best of him - in every other way, I feel like my family won the lottery. No one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good:

Breathtakingly stunning. Tall, dark, and handsome.
Full, thick, luxurious hair with no signs of losing it and no excessive body hair.
Perfect balance of muscular and lean.
Highly involved father, including with my child from a previous marriage. Truly loves being a dad.
One of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Knows everything, always wins trivia night.
Hilarious and thinks I am, too.
High sex drive without being creepy or pushy. Similar sexual interests.
Giving and generous in bed, listens to what I want and doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
Loving, emotionally intelligent, a caregiver.
Engaged. Would rather spend time with me and the kids than on a screen.
Same hobbies as me, so we get to do them together (and as a family).
Good with our dogs, does a huge portion of their care.
Has a bunch of weird little quirks I find so endearing (that I don’t want to name because people would definitely recognize him, ha)

The Bad:

Takes FOREVER to do anything. I have to lie about when we need to leave for things, if I say 6pm he won’t be ready until 7-730. Or takes three hours to clean one room.
Night owl while I’m an early bird. So I often find myself staying up later than I’d like (and feeling sleep deprived) so we can spend time together, but he’ll rarely get up early for me (says he will but sleeps in anyway).
Underachiever. SO smart but intimidated to get a degree. Happy with a mediocre job with mediocre pay. Not bad pay or a bad job, but not what he’d really love to be doing. But, it does give him amazing work-life balance, which we both prefer anyway.
Very different tastes in movies and shows, so we can never find anything to watch. He’s very artsy and likes weird things, I just like regular ol’ entertainment that doesn’t make me think too hard.

How would we recognize him if has a mediocre job/career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Loving, generous (in bed and out) and generally easy to get along with but has the kind of temper where he loses control when he’s in it - will scream in my face or kids’, but doesn’t happen often and will apologize
Excellent father who works to have close relationships with all kids
Works a lot, definitely much more than 9-5, but has flexibility so will attend kid games, etc.
Does more than his share around house despite fact that I am SAHM and he is happy to hire people to help
Does not cook but appreciates that I do
No interest in handling finances except on macro level
Not too tall (5’9”) but fit, attractive, exercises most days
Smart, well-educated, high EQ, well-regarded professionally
One of those people literally everyone likes, loyal friend
Fun and funny in an endearing way
Likes to do things together
Can tend to get dragged down emotionally in difficult situations so I have to support him and not just focus on primary issue (for example, one of the kids)
Very nice to my family, good friends with my siblings
Very high earner - $2m+
Great at giving gifts 🙂


Where do you live? I'm coming to get your man. Dang -- I'd have to die first. Mmmm...let me start my good ole gas oven because this dude is worth it!


I'm sorry but did you miss the part where he screams in her face or her kids' faces?

Did you miss where I said this is infrequent, like once a year? I should also clarify that the “kids” are young adults, in college or already graduated (and when he gets upset they usually deserve it). He has a temper that very infrequently gets the best of him - in every other way, I feel like my family won the lottery. No one is perfect.

No one is perfect but this is absolutely a deal breaker for me. Getting mad is one thing but screaming is a serious self-control problem as well as a serious lack of respect for his family. Also are you saying your kids "deserve it" when he screams in their faces? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The good:

Breathtakingly stunning. Tall, dark, and handsome.
Full, thick, luxurious hair with no signs of losing it and no excessive body hair.
Perfect balance of muscular and lean.
Highly involved father, including with my child from a previous marriage. Truly loves being a dad.
One of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Knows everything, always wins trivia night.
Hilarious and thinks I am, too.
High sex drive without being creepy or pushy. Similar sexual interests.
Giving and generous in bed, listens to what I want and doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
Loving, emotionally intelligent, a caregiver.
Engaged. Would rather spend time with me and the kids than on a screen.
Same hobbies as me, so we get to do them together (and as a family).
Good with our dogs, does a huge portion of their care.
Has a bunch of weird little quirks I find so endearing (that I don’t want to name because people would definitely recognize him, ha)

The Bad:

Takes FOREVER to do anything. I have to lie about when we need to leave for things, if I say 6pm he won’t be ready until 7-730. Or takes three hours to clean one room.
Night owl while I’m an early bird. So I often find myself staying up later than I’d like (and feeling sleep deprived) so we can spend time together, but he’ll rarely get up early for me (says he will but sleeps in anyway).
Underachiever. SO smart but intimidated to get a degree. Happy with a mediocre job with mediocre pay. Not bad pay or a bad job, but not what he’d really love to be doing. But, it does give him amazing work-life balance, which we both prefer anyway.
Very different tastes in movies and shows, so we can never find anything to watch. He’s very artsy and likes weird things, I just like regular ol’ entertainment that doesn’t make me think too hard.

How would we recognize him if has a mediocre job/career?

Sounds like maybe he's recognizable for a quirk or hobby of some kind? Now I'm curious what that is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High earner - $350k
Strong leader, well liked professionally and seen as high potential
Very smart, degrees from Princeton and Wharton
Tall (6’2), still has all his hair at 40
Handy, fixes things around the house + for family and friends
Enjoys the good things in life, but can overindulge a little
Outdoorsy and active, former athlete, ok shape (34” waist)
Good cook, but often too busy to cook
Great, involved dad who equally splits the invisible work
Coaches both our son and daughter’s lacrosse teams
Worldly and cultured, speaks a foreign language, and loves to travel internationally
Enjoys Broadway
Travels 20% of the time for work, pre-Covid
Affectionate, high drive, very giving in the bedroom
But needs a lot of attention
Can be a lazy dresser. Lots of old college tee shirts, jeans, and tennis shoes
Often late, somewhat ADHD
Messy. Helps around the house but also constantly leaves stuff sitting out.
Runs household finances and saves well
Highly confident based on life success, generally convinced he is right on everything
Loyal and caring, friends would describe him as super nice

You basically have it all

Agreed the one above seems pretty great. I wonder if she left out some of the bad things?

Travels 20% of the time — that’s a lot

Yeah, it is. I’m the quoted poster. A few more bad things:

Works from home (when not traveling), but decently long hours. Think 8:30-5 weekdays, but then another 2-3 hours of emails or calls with Asia each night after kids go to bed. Doesn’t usually work weekends.
Just ok shape. Active, but likes to eat rich food and drink wine, so no 6-packs here.
The ADHD thing (always jumping from one task to the other, leaving stuff unfinished) and the messiness (he’ll do dishes but then leave clutter around the living room) are probably the biggest drawbacks.

[Anonymous]

No one is perfect but this is absolutely a deal breaker for me. Getting mad is one thing but screaming is a serious self-control problem as well as a serious lack of respect for his family. Also are you saying your kids "deserve it" when he screams in their faces? Yikes.

No, you are putting words in my mouth. I said they deserve someone to be upset at them. Also, screaming was probably a poor (and not well thought-out) word choice. He gets mad and raises his voice. FWIW, neighbors and friends always ask what I did to deserve him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No one is perfect but this is absolutely a deal breaker for me. Getting mad is one thing but screaming is a serious self-control problem as well as a serious lack of respect for his family. Also are you saying your kids "deserve it" when he screams in their faces? Yikes.

No, you are putting words in my mouth. I said they deserve someone to be upset at them. Also, screaming was probably a poor (and not well thought-out) word choice. He gets mad and raises his voice. FWIW, neighbors and friends always ask what I did to deserve him.

That's fine. I don't know why you posted in this thread if you feel this defensive about it.

[Anonymous]

The Good
Very Cute in a classic way, sexy, great in bed, thick head of dark hair in late 50's, loyal, a wonderful, very involved father, a great cook who cooks nightly, handy around the house (did all the Christmas decorating), a decent earner , has supported my demanding career both during my schooling and beyond, for over two decades, has many friends, is devoted and solid, loves me deeply, is wonderful to my parents and family, volunteers in the community and is very well liked by most who know him, fun, extroverted, a good friend, committed to our marriage, open to new things.
The not so good
A short fuse (sometimes directed at us as his family if we are messy, very short lived but not fun), can be a drama queen, gets excited and activated pretty easily by things like politics, thin skinned if he feels attacked, can be defensive, overspends to impress friends, a bit of a hedonist (enjoys food and parties and drinking), less self disciplined than I would prefer, lax about his health sometimes.