Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

[Anonymous]

Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Can I ask what you brought to this marriage and what drew you to her besides her good looks and body?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good looking and fit enough
High earner $500-$600k with a schedule that can be unpredictable and involved working some holidays and weekends but works mostly 7am-4pm weekdays
Intelligent, educated, cultured, worldly, keeps up with currents events and prefers classical music
Speaks several languages
Loves dogs
Cooks well but seldom does it and spends a lot of money on restaurants
Favorite things to spend on are restaurants, 5-star hotels and alcohol.
Skilled in bed, gorgeous privates, enjoys giving oral
Spends time engaged with DCs in activities they enjoy
Never tires of listening to himself talk and at times will not stop talking
Disrespectful, insulting to people deemed inferior which is often me
Commanding and controlling, demands behaviors and angry and insulting when not done or done “correctly”
Refuses to buy a house or save for college
Drinks up to ten drinks a day on weekends and several every evening
Won’t spend time with my family or friends, only his.

Thank you, next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High earner - $350k
Strong leader, well liked professionally and seen as high potential
Very smart, degrees from Princeton and Wharton
Tall (6’2), still has all his hair at 40
Handy, fixes things around the house + for family and friends
Enjoys the good things in life, but can overindulge a little
Outdoorsy and active, former athlete, ok shape (34” waist)
Good cook, but often too busy to cook
Great, involved dad who equally splits the invisible work
Coaches both our son and daughter’s lacrosse teams
Worldly and cultured, speaks a foreign language, and loves to travel internationally
Enjoys Broadway
Travels 20% of the time for work, pre-Covid
Affectionate, high drive, very giving in the bedroom
But needs a lot of attention
Can be a lazy dresser. Lots of old college tee shirts, jeans, and tennis shoes
Often late, somewhat ADHD
Messy. Helps around the house but also constantly leaves stuff sitting out.
Runs household finances and saves well
Highly confident based on life success, generally convinced he is right on everything
Loyal and caring, friends would describe him as super nice

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Out, for sure.

[Anonymous]

I like this thread, OP. Eye-opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Out, for sure.

Seriously, kick her to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH:
Great in bed - loves to please
In good shape
Good at cooking meats / grilling
Helps around the house (50-50)
Somewhat high earner (200k salary)
Terrible at personal finances and investments
Short term planner
Always late
May have ADHD
Somewhat paranoid
Mommy’s boy - truly enmeshed but works at it to the best of his ability

If I could control the finances, I could make this work.

Agreed, working on it. Definitely have had our share of bumps in the road.

[Anonymous]

Model handsome but has put on a few pounds in recent years
Speaks 3 languages fluently
Loves to leverage work trips into international family vacations
Very supportive of my career
EXCELLENT father and does at least half (maybe more) of childcare
Does roughly half of routine household chores but not great at higher level home management
Great listener and great at helping me grow as a person
Very emotionally secure/healthy and predictable person, always there for me
Medium libido but that's fine because it matches mine - neither one of us wants more or less sex
Not a super high earner - about 150k
Sometimes his "joking around" sarcasm goes over the top and hurts my feelings - sometimes treats me more like a guy friend in this regard
Professionally ambitious but not in my opinion financially ambitious enough - more interested in other kinds of career accolades
Hasn't bought one item of clothing for himself in 10 years... will literally let things develop holes until i can't take it anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife:

Educated, PhD from good school
Wonderful mom, on top of all the kids schedules, heavily involved in schools
Good fashion sense.
Likes to have fun, decent sense of humor
Excellent shape, into fitness
Great cook.
Zero libido, not willing to work on it. Sex 3-6x a year for last decade.

Oh, forgot to mention, SAHM, hasn't worked in 14 years

In.

She sounds great. The kids benefited from having mom at home, a big plus. And the great cooking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Out, for sure.

Mainly it sounds like they both wrecked the kids. I'd reel that in OP, after all it's not all her job, be a father before they get worse.

[Anonymous]

So basically what I thought all along. Most marriage really suck!

[Anonymous]

In good shape and athletic, almost all luck as he does not have to do much to stay in shape
All of his hair, about half gray
Average height (5’ 10”)
Very high earner
Works a lot; pre-pandemic traveled a lot
I handle everything except the money making; doesn’t care if I outsource or do everything myself
Involved with the kids when home although I do most due to being a SAHM
Doesn’t cook at all but never ever complains about what I serve. Would be happy with a gourmet meal or McDonalds and would thank me for picking it up
Very smart and highly educated
Likes expensive things but does not spend outside of means at all
Goes on any trips I plan but wouldn’t plan them ever
Has a complicated relationship with family of origin
Always willing to help friends/do favors for people
I think he is great but wish he was around more!

[Anonymous]

My DH:

-Extremely capable, can fix or find anything
-Good cook (not quite as good as he thinks he is, but he does it with enthusiasm.)
-Great in bed, generous
-Great playmate with kids and has handled teen problems way better than I expected.
-Helps around house frequently
-Never ever criticizes me
-Fun to be around, not necessarily funny but up for quality time on a weekly basis. Frequent dates.
-Can learn anything, very quick thinker and when he tunes in he has a lot of deep wisdom in general
-Likes travel, fine dining, fine wine, a variety of live music
-Aggressive driver, has not had or caused a wreck in 20 years but I'm still always terrified.
-Impatient, rushes to a fault
-Poor social skills, interrupts, doesn't edit, rambles, not a good listener
-Not interested in current events or reading in general
-Overreacts to small things -- gets overly frustrated when something burns on the stove or the someone cuts him off in traffic, etc.
-Not in great shape (neither of us), losing his hair
-Takes work very seriously and works 50+ hours/week
-Very high earner. $1.5mm+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all want different things in life. describe your spouse. Comment if you’d be “in” or “out” for the other spouses described here.

Mine:
Works hard, but can’t delegate, isn’t a high earner (<100k at 50)
Poor boundaries
Enjoys the good things in life (music, art, culture) - good taste
Great sense of humor, dedicated friend - is there when it counts. Makes time for those who count.
Affectionate, loves to give and receive attention
(High sex drive. great at oral sex)
But needs a lot of attention
Moody and erratic
Pedantic, micromanaging, anxious about household cleaning - gets angry if you don’t do things the “right way”
Time blindness - always late, no ability to long term plan
Mean when angry - speaks in cutting tone, will insult you personally
Can’t save money. Living paycheck to paycheck. Finances all on you.

I was in until I reached these lines. Out. Unless it only happens once every 10 years, can’t live with meanness.

NP. Meanness, cutting tone, insults-- also grabbed my attention as a no-go. But also can be worked on if the person is self-aware enough and able to be objective enough to see there is a problem and accept help working on it.

On the bald face of it, merely the description above is nowhere near enough to divorce or tell someone else to divorce. What has the couple done AS a couple to be frank about this, for the OP to be blunt and honest that it's happening and harms the marriage, and for the DH to accept that and commit to working on it? Preferably with outside, third party help.

Living paycheck to paycheck and a "finances all on you" attitude is even more toxic in some marriages. I am NOT giving anyone a pass on meanness, before DCUM leaps down my throat. I'm saying it can be worked on but only if it is acknowledged with crystal clearness by the OP it's a problem (not merely in the heat of the moment but with cold clarity at a later, calm time) and if the DH accepts it's wrong to behave that way AND alters it.

The financial thing is not necessarily a bigger deal than meanness but it eats away at a marriage more insidiously, more quietly, over a longer time. And builds resentments that fester, and puts the couple in a horrible situation when retirement time approaches. Imagine all those years of resentment about the finances coming to a head just as you are both old enough you could retire and enjoy the positives of each other's company. Financial adviser, stat. If you have a regular bank, banks often provide free financial consulting and budgeting help to customers. The DH would have to accept though that he has a problem and needs to save, and can't just slough it all off onto the wife.