Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard worker, works 7am—10pm weekdays and some admin on weekends
Makes about $400K (I make $200K)
Bought and renovated our beautiful home at a top notch address and another in the country where he cleared the land himself and added a pool
Adores our children, has read to them every morning since they were born (they are 16).
A giver
Emotionally breathtakingly fluent and responsive/responsible
Loves sex and giving oral, is good at it; great chemistry
The most un-selfpitying and unentitled person I have ever known. Never complains.
Is strong, warm, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, supportive, heart of a lion but demeanor of a golden retriever.
Took care of me through a serious illness
Cheated on me for three years with his own patient.
Placed our family in enormous jeopardy, could have been ruined if she sued or reported him.

Whoa. Didn’t see those last two lines coming.

Tough one. I'd keep him, the devil you know. But that does suck

I feel like there’s a lot more to unpack with this one. Maybe he is not in touch with his wants and needs, and has learned to suppress them, but deep down feels like there is something missing … which led him to the affair and the severe lapse of judgement? Pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fun
Funny
Really hard worker
Ambitious
Might work too hard
Short (but still has 6 inches on me)
Fit
Always wants to do the right thing
Gets defensive in arguments
Can’t stand when I’m not happy so tries to change me (so a little controlling in that way)
Earns a lot
Supports me in whatever I want to do (which right now is being a SAHM)
Kind
People pleaser (sometimes I feel like he values being kind to somebody over my. feelings; like if I disagree with a friend of his, he will take his friend’s side in public even if I know he disagrees )
Really smart
Great dad
Low tolerance for mess/clutter
A little critical but not as critical as he is of himself (he just sees this as having high standards for himself; he has done a lot of work to be less critical and more empathetic)
Really authentic
Good in social situations even though is an introvert
Wants to spend time with me
Really close to his family of origin (he’s nice to his mom)

Anonymous wrote:My dh:

Masters, has his dream job, 130k
Wonderful dad, attends everything with me including pediatricians, loves to get down and play with kids
6'2, 162 lbs, very lean and muscular, runs or bikes daily
Easy going and is very happy in his life. Works nonstop at home and at work. He gets more done in a day than most get done in a week.
Terrible cook, but loves to cook daily. Basically force feeds us vegetables.
No fashion sense, but looks great because I've bought all of his clothes for the last 15 years. He won't shop or buy anything ever, but does like to look sharp, especially for meetings.
He's at least 9/10 looks, maybe 10/10. Women stop him in grocery stores to talk. (I barely notice his looks anymore, but I recognize that he's really, really hot). His looks are the first thing my friends talk about when they meet him.
Super disorganized, constantly late. I have to set up all organization, all calendars, have to monitor and babysit so he doesn't forget things. I'm hyper organized because I have to pick up his slack.
No libido

Love my dh and wouldn't trade him in for anything.

On one hand this game is pointless if people don't describe the bad things about their spouse too. On the other hand it's sweet if these posters don't really see any flaws in their spouse beyond "disorganized" and "not self-critical enough".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fun
Funny
Really hard worker
Ambitious
Might work too hard
Short (but still has 6 inches on me)
Fit
Always wants to do the right thing
Gets defensive in arguments
Can’t stand when I’m not happy so tries to change me (so a little controlling in that way)
Earns a lot
Supports me in whatever I want to do (which right now is being a SAHM)
Kind
People pleaser (sometimes I feel like he values being kind to somebody over my. feelings; like if I disagree with a friend of his, he will take his friend’s side in public even if I know he disagrees )
Really smart
Great dad
Low tolerance for mess/clutter
A little critical but not as critical as he is of himself (he just sees this as having high standards for himself; he has done a lot of work to be less critical and more empathetic)
Really authentic
Good in social situations even though is an introvert
Wants to spend time with me
Really close to his family of origin (he’s nice to his mom)

Anonymous wrote:My dh:

Masters, has his dream job, 130k
Wonderful dad, attends everything with me including pediatricians, loves to get down and play with kids
6'2, 162 lbs, very lean and muscular, runs or bikes daily
Easy going and is very happy in his life. Works nonstop at home and at work. He gets more done in a day than most get done in a week.
Terrible cook, but loves to cook daily. Basically force feeds us vegetables.
No fashion sense, but looks great because I've bought all of his clothes for the last 15 years. He won't shop or buy anything ever, but does like to look sharp, especially for meetings.
He's at least 9/10 looks, maybe 10/10. Women stop him in grocery stores to talk. (I barely notice his looks anymore, but I recognize that he's really, really hot). His looks are the first thing my friends talk about when they meet him.
Super disorganized, constantly late. I have to set up all organization, all calendars, have to monitor and babysit so he doesn't forget things. I'm hyper organized because I have to pick up his slack.
No libido

Love my dh and wouldn't trade him in for anything.

On one hand this game is pointless if people don't describe the bad things about their spouse too. On the other hand it's sweet if these posters don't really see any flaws in their spouse beyond "disorganized" and "not self-critical enough".

Huh? I said he gets defensive in arguments, is controlling, is critical, and works too much. I think I’m playing fair!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard worker, works 7am—10pm weekdays and some admin on weekends
Makes about $400K (I make $200K)
Bought and renovated our beautiful home at a top notch address and another in the country where he cleared the land himself and added a pool
Adores our children, has read to them every morning since they were born (they are 16).
A giver
Emotionally breathtakingly fluent and responsive/responsible
Loves sex and giving oral, is good at it; great chemistry
The most un-selfpitying and unentitled person I have ever known. Never complains.
Is strong, warm, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, supportive, heart of a lion but demeanor of a golden retriever.
Took care of me through a serious illness
Cheated on me for three years with his own patient.
Placed our family in enormous jeopardy, could have been ruined if she sued or reported him.

Whoa. Didn’t see those last two lines coming.

Tough one. I'd keep him, the devil you know. But that does suck

I feel like there’s a lot more to unpack with this one. Maybe he is not in touch with his wants and needs, and has learned to suppress them, but deep down feels like there is something missing … which led him to the affair and the severe lapse of judgement? Pass.

NP. Whoa. Also didnt' see that coming. But then the 7-10 work schedule should have been a red flag. Days that long all week every week plus "admin" on weekends sounds like not all those hours were actual work. Too much opportunity to cheat and too little time at home (despite the reading to the kids). I'd trade away the two "top-notch" homes and pool and the income for more hours at home. And I don't know how he was able to nurse the PP through a serious illness if he was working hours like that....Sadly, to me, "strong, warm, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, supportive" people don't carry on three-year lies at the most profound level. I could only stay with this one if he altered the work hours (even with loss of income), was remorseful to his very marrow, and entered intensive couples therapy with me. Maybe not even then. I see a disconnect between loving/supportive etc. and three year affair and it's a pretty grave disconnect on the level of character. Could be salvaged but like I said -- the hours would have to change. Too much opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very Pretty
Very good body
Dedicated Mother to the point where she can not say no and does everything for kids. Kids are becoming miserable to be around, example walking into places with no masks on or masks below the chin. We live in an area with mask mandate, mom thinks its funny. Kids on phone all the time, don't do homework, disrespectful to teachers, see sees this as showing strength and independence.
Wakes up complaining, goes to bed complaining.
Sex life is non existent.
Works from home, goes to gym, nails, shopping and such during the day so that when the kids come home she can complain about how she is always "stuck" at her desk working.
Maxes out every credit card available, spends all the money in any accounts she has access to.
Good cook.
Keeps the house clean, basically a maid to the kids. I cook and clean up also, but I am not a maid to the kids, I make them clean up rooms, bring laundry down and such. We also have housekeepers come 1 x a week to do a deep clean.
Only shows interest in me when discussing money and planning things like purchases or vacations.

Out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fun
Funny
Really hard worker
Ambitious
Might work too hard
Short (but still has 6 inches on me)
Fit
Always wants to do the right thing
Gets defensive in arguments
Can’t stand when I’m not happy so tries to change me (so a little controlling in that way)
Earns a lot
Supports me in whatever I want to do (which right now is being a SAHM)
Kind
People pleaser (sometimes I feel like he values being kind to somebody over my. feelings; like if I disagree with a friend of his, he will take his friend’s side in public even if I know he disagrees )
Really smart
Great dad
Low tolerance for mess/clutter
A little critical but not as critical as he is of himself (he just sees this as having high standards for himself; he has done a lot of work to be less critical and more empathetic)
Really authentic
Good in social situations even though is an introvert
Wants to spend time with me
Really close to his family of origin (he’s nice to his mom)

Anonymous wrote:My dh:

Masters, has his dream job, 130k
Wonderful dad, attends everything with me including pediatricians, loves to get down and play with kids
6'2, 162 lbs, very lean and muscular, runs or bikes daily
Easy going and is very happy in his life. Works nonstop at home and at work. He gets more done in a day than most get done in a week.
Terrible cook, but loves to cook daily. Basically force feeds us vegetables.
No fashion sense, but looks great because I've bought all of his clothes for the last 15 years. He won't shop or buy anything ever, but does like to look sharp, especially for meetings.
He's at least 9/10 looks, maybe 10/10. Women stop him in grocery stores to talk. (I barely notice his looks anymore, but I recognize that he's really, really hot). His looks are the first thing my friends talk about when they meet him.
Super disorganized, constantly late. I have to set up all organization, all calendars, have to monitor and babysit so he doesn't forget things. I'm hyper organized because I have to pick up his slack.
No libido

Love my dh and wouldn't trade him in for anything.

On one hand this game is pointless if people don't describe the bad things about their spouse too. On the other hand it's sweet if these posters don't really see any flaws in their spouse beyond "disorganized" and "not self-critical enough".

Huh? I said he gets defensive in arguments, is controlling, is critical, and works too much. I think I’m playing fair!

Fair enough. He sounds great overall, I'd keep him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife:

Educated, PhD from good school
Wonderful mom, on top of all the kids schedules, heavily involved in schools
Good fashion sense.
Likes to have fun, decent sense of humor
Excellent shape, into fitness
Great cook.
Zero libido, not willing to work on it. Sex 3-6x a year for last decade.

Oh, forgot to mention, SAHM, hasn't worked in 14 years

Would be in except for the last thing. I don't understand not working after your kids are in school.

Interesting, so there are lots of men out there who are fine with little to no sex or you would just cheat and deal with it that way?

Sorry I should had added that I'm a (straight) woman, just playing along with the game. I probably have a lower libido than an average man so the low libido didn't stand out to me. I wouldn't want to be in a sexless marriage.

Got it.

I think most men would prefer to be married to an unorganized slob with a high libido than this guy's wife, but if you are low libido she sounds great

As an unorganized slob with a high libido, I really want to believe this is true, but I am not sure.

I am a high earning man and super involved father and attractive and I would trade my overachieving wife who has zero libido for you

What's the point of a zero libido spouse? I'd rather be cheated on.

The *point* of a zero-libido spouse?

I mean, if you think of the purpose of a spouse as somebody to have sex with, I guess nothing. And for what it’s worth, i say I have a high libido but around you I’m sure my desire would die.

DP. Some men marry a convenient vagina, not a whole human being. Those are the men who post here about how they are eager to dump their low-libido wives. These men assume their wives have low libido too--it's likelier these wives would have a great sex drive with men who wanted their whole selves. The wives probably aren't low libido, they just realize they hate their spouses enough to not want to be their emotionless sex dolls any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all want different things in life. describe your spouse. Comment if you’d be “in” or “out” for the other spouses described here.

Mine:
Works hard, but can’t delegate, isn’t a high earner (<100k at 50)
Poor boundaries
Enjoys the good things in life (music, art, culture) - good taste
Great sense of humor, dedicated friend - is there when it counts. Makes time for those who count.
Affectionate, loves to give and receive attention
(High sex drive. great at oral sex)
But needs a lot of attention
Moody and erratic
Pedantic, micromanaging, anxious about household cleaning - gets angry if you don’t do things the “right way”
Time blindness - always late, no ability to long term plan
Mean when angry - speaks in cutting tone, will insult you personally
Can’t save money. Living paycheck to paycheck. Finances all on you.

I was in until I reached these lines. Out. Unless it only happens once every 10 years, can’t live with meanness.

Does it make a difference if there is always a genuine apology and resolution after each argument? Conflicts don’t drag on. No in your face screaming like other poster

Maybe it's not a total dealbreaker like the screaming in your face, but I'd be concerned if that behavior didn't improve over time. If he is genuinely apologizing then he must be aware that his behavior is wrong - so why does he keep doing it? Ultimately I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who is mean or insulting when angry.

OP here and I think he has bad anxiety and ADHD - poor emotional regulation is a sign. He adamantly denies having adhd. I feel like he does his best, but many days I feel like he makes life so much harder than it needs to be. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been ready to divorce and he will step up his effort to improve a lot (therapy, meds), but over time he will forget to take meds and therapy will fizzle out.

He is an excellent and involved father and our kids adore him, I do feel they’d be worse off if we divorced.

We’re also due to inherit a sizeable chunk of change when his elderly parent passes, which will make life much easier for us and allow us to purchase the kind of home we want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fun
Funny
Really hard worker
Ambitious
Might work too hard
Short (but still has 6 inches on me)
Fit
Always wants to do the right thing
Gets defensive in arguments
Can’t stand when I’m not happy so tries to change me (so a little controlling in that way)
Earns a lot
Supports me in whatever I want to do (which right now is being a SAHM)
Kind
People pleaser (sometimes I feel like he values being kind to somebody over my. feelings; like if I disagree with a friend of his, he will take his friend’s side in public even if I know he disagrees )
Really smart
Great dad
Low tolerance for mess/clutter
A little critical but not as critical as he is of himself (he just sees this as having high standards for himself; he has done a lot of work to be less critical and more empathetic)
Really authentic
Good in social situations even though is an introvert
Wants to spend time with me
Really close to his family of origin (he’s nice to his mom)

Anonymous wrote:My dh:

Masters, has his dream job, 130k
Wonderful dad, attends everything with me including pediatricians, loves to get down and play with kids
6'2, 162 lbs, very lean and muscular, runs or bikes daily
Easy going and is very happy in his life. Works nonstop at home and at work. He gets more done in a day than most get done in a week.
Terrible cook, but loves to cook daily. Basically force feeds us vegetables.
No fashion sense, but looks great because I've bought all of his clothes for the last 15 years. He won't shop or buy anything ever, but does like to look sharp, especially for meetings.
He's at least 9/10 looks, maybe 10/10. Women stop him in grocery stores to talk. (I barely notice his looks anymore, but I recognize that he's really, really hot). His looks are the first thing my friends talk about when they meet him.
Super disorganized, constantly late. I have to set up all organization, all calendars, have to monitor and babysit so he doesn't forget things. I'm hyper organized because I have to pick up his slack.
No libido

Love my dh and wouldn't trade him in for anything.

On one hand this game is pointless if people don't describe the bad things about their spouse too. On the other hand it's sweet if these posters don't really see any flaws in their spouse beyond "disorganized" and "not self-critical enough".

2nd pp here. Disorganized and late really are his only flaws? He's also lower libido. What else are you looking for? He's pretty fantastic and doesn't have any fatal flaws

[Anonymous]

Great mom, is on top of schools, camps, activities, kids’ health and needs
Decent salary ($100k+ including benefits with more potential)
Funny and fun
Good conversationalist
Interested in the arts, music, theater
Maintains our social schedule
Plans trips and holidays, great sense of occasion
Good cook but mainly on weekends and holidays
High libido — she initiates 3-4x a week
Affectionate with me and the kids
Pretty and dresses well
In shape (still a size 0 after multiple kids)
Plans dates
Can be critical and short tempered especially at those times of the month
Doesn’t always fight fair, but neither do I
Takes on too many projects
Has high expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great mom, is on top of schools, camps, activities, kids’ health and needs
Decent salary ($100k+ including benefits with more potential)
Funny and fun
Good conversationalist
Interested in the arts, music, theater
Maintains our social schedule
Plans trips and holidays, great sense of occasion
Good cook but mainly on weekends and holidays
High libido — she initiates 3-4x a week
Affectionate with me and the kids
Pretty and dresses well
In shape (still a size 0 after multiple kids)
Plans dates
Can be critical and short tempered especially at those times of the month
Doesn’t always fight fair, but neither do I
Takes on too many projects
Has high expectations

Hope you live up to them! Lucky man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great mom, is on top of schools, camps, activities, kids’ health and needs
Decent salary ($100k+ including benefits with more potential)
Funny and fun
Good conversationalist
Interested in the arts, music, theater
Maintains our social schedule
Plans trips and holidays, great sense of occasion
Good cook but mainly on weekends and holidays
High libido — she initiates 3-4x a week
Affectionate with me and the kids
Pretty and dresses well
In shape (still a size 0 after multiple kids)
Plans dates
Can be critical and short tempered especially at those times of the month
Doesn’t always fight fair, but neither do I
Takes on too many projects
Has high expectations

Obviously in on this one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

Pros
- High earning potential but currently a GS-15
- Intelligent, educated, well regarded in his field
- Good work ethic, rarely wastes any time
- 1000+ hobbies, skilled musician, athlete, programmer, woodworker
- Amazing father, unbelievably devoted to our kids
- Conventionally attractive, in good shape
- Cooks (but mostly very basic things)
- Invested in the community, volunteers, helps out elderly neighbors, generally just a good person
- Voracious reader
- Reliable, supportive, loving
- Very family oriented
- High libido, generous in bed

Cons
- Does chores when asked but takes little initiative to do them on his own
- Messy, not especially bothered by clutter around the house
- Bad at giving gifts (except to his kids)
- Avoids difficult conversations, not good at discussing emotions
- Needs 8+ hours of quality sleep each night or else he's a mess
- Over schedules everything (e.g. commits to 4 different activities on Saturday and is surprised when our young kids are burned out; if I don't block off my events weeks in advance he has usually already scheduled something)
- Weaponized incompetence in certain areas (mostly chores), i.e. pretends he doesn't know how to properly make a bed or load a dishwasher
- Obnoxious when drunk. Not abusive or dangerous but just...annoying. Drinking is mostly under control but he does get too drunk ~1 a year. Otherwise he has 2-3 beers regularly on weekends or in social situations, I typically have to remind him not to overdo it.
- Bad taste in movies
- Not interested in finances (I manage everything), but naturally pretty frugal
- Not especially romantic, sort of de-prioritized our relationship after we had kids

DH sounds fantastic, but I appreciate that this one at least made an effort to honestly list the cons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great mom, is on top of schools, camps, activities, kids’ health and needs
Decent salary ($100k+ including benefits with more potential)
Funny and fun
Good conversationalist
Interested in the arts, music, theater
Maintains our social schedule
Plans trips and holidays, great sense of occasion
Good cook but mainly on weekends and holidays
High libido — she initiates 3-4x a week
Affectionate with me and the kids
Pretty and dresses well
In shape (still a size 0 after multiple kids)
Plans dates
Can be critical and short tempered especially at those times of the month
Doesn’t always fight fair, but neither do I
Takes on too many projects
Has high expectations

Hope you live up to them! Lucky man.

+1 I’m a wife but she sounds great. Wish I had a higher drive and that I was a size 2 again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great mom, is on top of schools, camps, activities, kids’ health and needs
Decent salary ($100k+ including benefits with more potential)
Funny and fun
Good conversationalist
Interested in the arts, music, theater
Maintains our social schedule
Plans trips and holidays, great sense of occasion
Good cook but mainly on weekends and holidays
High libido — she initiates 3-4x a week
Affectionate with me and the kids
Pretty and dresses well
In shape (still a size 0 after multiple kids)
Plans dates
Can be critical and short tempered especially at those times of the month
Doesn’t always fight fair, but neither do I
Takes on too many projects
Has high expectations

Hope you live up to them! Lucky man.

+1 I’m a wife but she sounds great. Wish I had a higher drive and that I was a size 2 again!

From one man to another, you struck gold, she sounds amazing.