Anyone have an affair and actually end up with that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to a 2017 study, relationships that started due to mate poaching are generally less satisfied, less committed, and less invested in their relationships when compared to people whose relationships started when they were both single. People in relationships that started with mate poaching also tend to be more interested in pursuing other relationship options, in other words, they’re likely to cheat again.

This makes sense to me. They're in a relationship again and clearly they can't do relationships the down in the trenches stuff they want fun all the time. Also past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior so...

[Anonymous]

Not yet, but I will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not yet, but I will

Hope springs eternal. Lol

[Anonymous]

Yes, our neighbor left her husband for her AP. Then, her ex-DH and his ex-DW met, got married and are still together 20 years later. Not sure if the original affair couple are still together but I think they are.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Very happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to a 2017 study, relationships that started due to mate poaching are generally less satisfied, less committed, and less invested in their relationships when compared to people whose relationships started when they were both single. People in relationships that started with mate poaching also tend to be more interested in pursuing other relationship options, in other words, they’re likely to cheat again.

This makes sense to me. They're in a relationship again and clearly they can't do relationships the down in the trenches stuff they want fun all the time. Also past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior so...

This tracks with the one couple who cheated with each other then got married. I know she's stepping out, but not sure if they have an open marriage or what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More interesting data on why they don't:

How do affairs usually end?
Almost all affairs are discovered at one point or another. At that point, the married couple will face a choice together. They will either decide to end the marriage and deal with subsequent issues of alimony, divorce, and child support, or they will decide to stay together. Contrary to popular belief, most married couples stay together after one has an affair. Some couples even use it as a wake-up call to deal with greater problems in the relationship and use it as an opportunity to bring passion back to their union. Other people choose to divorce and perhaps the affair becomes a relationship. However, relationships that started with cheating are statistically less likely to be successful than relationships that started in other circumstances, and one of the reasons for this is that these affairs are built on infatuation, secrecy, and deception, and so do not have what it takes to stand when it comes to face to face with real-life challenges. In fact, only 3-5% of relationships that started as affairs lead to marriage.

What percentage of affairs end in divorce?

It’s possible to save your marriage after an affair. In fact, the majority of married couples will stay together after an affair. Fewer than 25% of married men and women will leave their marriage for a partner they met while having an affair. So, a married woman or man is not likely to leave their marriage for a lover. This could be due to people not wanting to deal with legal issues like alimony, child support, and the justice system, or it could be because the affair was a wake-up call, which they used to bring more togetherness and intimacy into their own relationship. Couples can recover after infidelity affairs or marital affairs, so if you’re wondering if that’s possible for a personal romantic relationship of yours where marital affairs have been present, know that it is possible if both you and your spouse are dedicated and invested in healing your trust and the relationship overall.

Are affairs real love?
This is a complex question that will significantly depend on your personal situation. Can people find love outside of marriage? Yes. But, in terms of statistics, do affairs usually lead to happy and satisfying relationships? No, not usually. Couples who started as cheating then later came together, whether they were couple friends, best friends, coworkers, or in-laws, tend to be more unhappy in their relationships as opposed to people who both started single. It may feel good at the beginning; you both love to spend time together in each other’s company. However, these affairs rarely last, especially when tested with real-life challenges. Also, someone who cheated in their marriage or relationship is about three times more likely to cheat again in later relationships. For that reason, it is best to seek out available partners, because if they are cheating in their relationship, then they might be using you for reasons other than genuine love.

Just stop right there. What a load of malarkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been together, separated from our former spouses, for over 2 years now. We are very happy, but also aware that we didn't do the right thing in how we got started. We are careful to take care of our relationship since we both clearly see how our previous relationships went wrong due to lack of communication and a willingness not to work to ensure that we were happy. My ex-DH and I hadn't shared a bedroom or a bed for years before I met my AP and I was left working my a$$ off both professionally and with the kids with very little love or affection. I'm so much happier and I'm a far better Mom now. Kids are late teens, thank goodness, so they've actually been quite understanding and have embraced AP. Luckily his 1 step-daughter is already a grown adult, though she's had more trouble with it than my kids did. I give them a lot of space and make sure they can work on their relationship without me around.

It isn't how I would choose things to happen and it's actually quite out of character for me, a person who has always followed all of the rules, but it just happened. We're a good team and I feel like being in our 50's makes us realize who we really are and who we want to be. We're actively happy everyday.

It sounds like you don't really care, but FYI, I was that kid and I was only pretending to be okay with it. When I got out of the house and more secure in my own adulthood, I was able to act on my true views. Be prepared.

Of course I care. I was wildly unhappy with Ex-DH but stayed for this very reason. Younger child was very upset when it first happened but through therapy and a lot of work we've gotten to a good place. I've allowed them to be angry and to take space and to have ample time with just me and they've seen how to take ownership of your own life and not sacrifice all of your happiness because you're a parent. They have problems with their father for the very same reasons I do and they've expressed to me that they understand. Of course we will continue with therapy and talking things through. I think it helps that their father knows that he wasn't willing to go to therapy that I asked for for years or work with me at all and so he's been remarkably understanding about the whole thing and we have a very good co-parenting relationship. We still get together for birthdays and parts of holidays and get along as friends.

To a PP, AP has a step-daughter who he took full responsibility of when he married her mother. Not HIS bio child, but he loves her and still pays for most of her living expenses even though she's almost 30. Failure to thrive as she's completely coddled by her mother, his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been together, separated from our former spouses, for over 2 years now. We are very happy, but also aware that we didn't do the right thing in how we got started. We are careful to take care of our relationship since we both clearly see how our previous relationships went wrong due to lack of communication and a willingness not to work to ensure that we were happy. My ex-DH and I hadn't shared a bedroom or a bed for years before I met my AP and I was left working my a$$ off both professionally and with the kids with very little love or affection. I'm so much happier and I'm a far better Mom now. Kids are late teens, thank goodness, so they've actually been quite understanding and have embraced AP. Luckily his 1 step-daughter is already a grown adult, though she's had more trouble with it than my kids did. I give them a lot of space and make sure they can work on their relationship without me around.

It isn't how I would choose things to happen and it's actually quite out of character for me, a person who has always followed all of the rules, but it just happened. We're a good team and I feel like being in our 50's makes us realize who we really are and who we want to be. We're actively happy everyday.

It sounds like you don't really care, but FYI, I was that kid and I was only pretending to be okay with it. When I got out of the house and more secure in my own adulthood, I was able to act on my true views. Be prepared.

Of course I care. I was wildly unhappy with Ex-DH but stayed for this very reason. Younger child was very upset when it first happened but through therapy and a lot of work we've gotten to a good place. I've allowed them to be angry and to take space and to have ample time with just me and they've seen how to take ownership of your own life and not sacrifice all of your happiness because you're a parent. They have problems with their father for the very same reasons I do and they've expressed to me that they understand. Of course we will continue with therapy and talking things through. I think it helps that their father knows that he wasn't willing to go to therapy that I asked for for years or work with me at all and so he's been remarkably understanding about the whole thing and we have a very good co-parenting relationship. We still get together for birthdays and parts of holidays and get along as friends.

To a PP, AP has a step-daughter who he took full responsibility of when he married her mother. Not HIS bio child, but he loves her and still pays for most of her living expenses even though she's almost 30. Failure to thrive as she's completely coddled by her mother, his ex.

It's always a good look when the AP insults the spouse . They get one side and one view, but think they know the entire history of the relationship, psychology of everyone in the family.

[Anonymous]

yup, my father. Left my mother after 25 years, married the woman, and were together another 30'ish years until he passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been together, separated from our former spouses, for over 2 years now. We are very happy, but also aware that we didn't do the right thing in how we got started. We are careful to take care of our relationship since we both clearly see how our previous relationships went wrong due to lack of communication and a willingness not to work to ensure that we were happy. My ex-DH and I hadn't shared a bedroom or a bed for years before I met my AP and I was left working my a$$ off both professionally and with the kids with very little love or affection. I'm so much happier and I'm a far better Mom now. Kids are late teens, thank goodness, so they've actually been quite understanding and have embraced AP. Luckily his 1 step-daughter is already a grown adult, though she's had more trouble with it than my kids did. I give them a lot of space and make sure they can work on their relationship without me around.

It isn't how I would choose things to happen and it's actually quite out of character for me, a person who has always followed all of the rules, but it just happened. We're a good team and I feel like being in our 50's makes us realize who we really are and who we want to be. We're actively happy everyday.

It sounds like you don't really care, but FYI, I was that kid and I was only pretending to be okay with it. When I got out of the house and more secure in my own adulthood, I was able to act on my true views. Be prepared.

Of course I care. I was wildly unhappy with Ex-DH but stayed for this very reason. Younger child was very upset when it first happened but through therapy and a lot of work we've gotten to a good place. I've allowed them to be angry and to take space and to have ample time with just me and they've seen how to take ownership of your own life and not sacrifice all of your happiness because you're a parent. They have problems with their father for the very same reasons I do and they've expressed to me that they understand. Of course we will continue with therapy and talking things through. I think it helps that their father knows that he wasn't willing to go to therapy that I asked for for years or work with me at all and so he's been remarkably understanding about the whole thing and we have a very good co-parenting relationship. We still get together for birthdays and parts of holidays and get along as friends.

To a PP, AP has a step-daughter who he took full responsibility of when he married her mother. Not HIS bio child, but he loves her and still pays for most of her living expenses even though she's almost 30. Failure to thrive as she's completely coddled by her mother, his ex.

It's always a good look when the AP insults the spouse . They get one side and one view, but think they know the entire history of the relationship, psychology of everyone in the family.

NP. Presumably she has more insight than you, though, right?

[Anonymous]

My husband left his ex for me. We're not that happy, tbh. Too many young children involved to do much about it. Ex wife still meddles since she is old and lonely (no kids) and apparently as narcissistic as he is. She actually went around telling everyone that would listen that I am a drug addict. That was her revenge. Ended up making her look bitter and crazy but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yup, my father. Left my mother after 25 years, married the woman, and were together another 30'ish years until he passed.

How old were they when they go together/he died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband left his ex for me. We're not that happy, tbh. Too many young children involved to do much about it. Ex wife still meddles since she is old and lonely (no kids) and apparently as narcissistic as he is. She actually went around telling everyone that would listen that I am a drug addict. That was her revenge. Ended up making her look bitter and crazy but whatever.

If there are no kids then it is 100% on your husband to block her and have zero contact with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband left his ex for me. We're not that happy, tbh. Too many young children involved to do much about it. Ex wife still meddles since she is old and lonely (no kids) and apparently as narcissistic as he is. She actually went around telling everyone that would listen that I am a drug addict. That was her revenge. Ended up making her look bitter and crazy but whatever.

If there are no kids then it is 100% on your husband to block her and have zero contact with her.

You think he is as narcissitic as his ex-wife and you married him? WTF?