Anyone have an affair and actually end up with that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I did.
I wad with my ex since I was 19 years old.
I had "dated" other guys before him, but nothing long term or serious.
My ex was very insecure, jealous, a really proficient gaslighter and controlling.

I worked with my now DH and he showed me that's not how a woman should be treated.
It started out as an emotional affair as we got closer, but we didn't do anything sexually or even a kiss until after a year of him being an incredible support system.

During that year of him building me up and making me realize how a relationship should be, I tried everything with my ex because I didn't want to be a failure... we even went to therapy & marriage counseling, but he was so set in his ways (he was 8 years older than me) so rigid, he wouldn't open up in therapy, he just kind of ran through the motions to appease the therapist.
It was incredibly frustrating.

After that first kiss with my now DH, I went home, packed a bag, went to my parents house and filled for separation 2 days later.

We've been married for 18 years, 3 awesome teens, my DH is an incredible husband & an even better father, and I have never been happier in my entire life.

I do still have guilt over the way we started our relationship, but after being treated the way my ex did & how my DH treats me, even if it didn't work out with my now DH & we hypothetically ended up breaking up, I would have STILL left my ex, because my DH showed me that I deserved better.

I am so envious. I had the same experience and left my DH but AP did not leave his wife and kids which I understand but I will look for him in other people all my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I did.
I wad with my ex since I was 19 years old.
I had "dated" other guys before him, but nothing long term or serious.
My ex was very insecure, jealous, a really proficient gaslighter and controlling.

I worked with my now DH and he showed me that's not how a woman should be treated.
It started out as an emotional affair as we got closer, but we didn't do anything sexually or even a kiss until after a year of him being an incredible support system.

During that year of him building me up and making me realize how a relationship should be, I tried everything with my ex because I didn't want to be a failure... we even went to therapy & marriage counseling, but he was so set in his ways (he was 8 years older than me) so rigid, he wouldn't open up in therapy, he just kind of ran through the motions to appease the therapist.
It was incredibly frustrating.

After that first kiss with my now DH, I went home, packed a bag, went to my parents house and filled for separation 2 days later.

We've been married for 18 years, 3 awesome teens, my DH is an incredible husband & an even better father, and I have never been happier in my entire life.

I do still have guilt over the way we started our relationship, but after being treated the way my ex did & how my DH treats me, even if it didn't work out with my now DH & we hypothetically ended up breaking up, I would have STILL left my ex, because my DH showed me that I deserved better.

Was he married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say affair love isn't real. Because any love - as pointed out here many many times - is a choice. I'm choosing to love somebody and do loving things, whether that be my spouse or my AP, right?

We all had that kind of sexy limerence at the start of a relationship, and it is just as real in an affair as it is in a non-affair.

Ah no. My spouse and I can still get that feeling back at certain times. AP fizzled out and ended badly. Nothing left there.

Well, that's fine. Are you also saying because love fizzles out it isn't real? Many folks are still married to people where the love fizzled out - does it mean their previous love wasn't real? I don't think so.

A lustful affair that burns out quick where people get on one another’s nerves and start having pissy fights was sex. Wanting to screw someone is not the same as love.

The difference with the beginning with my spouse was we were both single and every single box was checked (intellectually, looks, body, wit/sense of humor, life outlook, athleticism, drive, etc.) it was on an entirely plane than an affair with someone I really only saw a minimal amount of time and lacked a lot of basic connections. I didn’t have to see her every minute. With my spouse I literally could not live without her.

I’m sure if it’s between people that see one another daily, like a co-worker, it might be different.

[Anonymous]

My dad and his wife.

I would not say they are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I did.
I wad with my ex since I was 19 years old.
I had "dated" other guys before him, but nothing long term or serious.
My ex was very insecure, jealous, a really proficient gaslighter and controlling.

I worked with my now DH and he showed me that's not how a woman should be treated.
It started out as an emotional affair as we got closer, but we didn't do anything sexually or even a kiss until after a year of him being an incredible support system.

During that year of him building me up and making me realize how a relationship should be, I tried everything with my ex because I didn't want to be a failure... we even went to therapy & marriage counseling, but he was so set in his ways (he was 8 years older than me) so rigid, he wouldn't open up in therapy, he just kind of ran through the motions to appease the therapist.
It was incredibly frustrating.

After that first kiss with my now DH, I went home, packed a bag, went to my parents house and filled for separation 2 days later.

We've been married for 18 years, 3 awesome teens, my DH is an incredible husband & an even better father, and I have never been happier in my entire life.

I do still have guilt over the way we started our relationship, but after being treated the way my ex did & how my DH treats me, even if it didn't work out with my now DH & we hypothetically ended up breaking up, I would have STILL left my ex, because my DH showed me that I deserved better.

Was he married?

Sorry I didn't mention that, no he wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I did.
I wad with my ex since I was 19 years old.
I had "dated" other guys before him, but nothing long term or serious.
My ex was very insecure, jealous, a really proficient gaslighter and controlling.

I worked with my now DH and he showed me that's not how a woman should be treated.
It started out as an emotional affair as we got closer, but we didn't do anything sexually or even a kiss until after a year of him being an incredible support system.

During that year of him building me up and making me realize how a relationship should be, I tried everything with my ex because I didn't want to be a failure... we even went to therapy & marriage counseling, but he was so set in his ways (he was 8 years older than me) so rigid, he wouldn't open up in therapy, he just kind of ran through the motions to appease the therapist.
It was incredibly frustrating.

After that first kiss with my now DH, I went home, packed a bag, went to my parents house and filled for separation 2 days later.

We've been married for 18 years, 3 awesome teens, my DH is an incredible husband & an even better father, and I have never been happier in my entire life.

I do still have guilt over the way we started our relationship, but after being treated the way my ex did & how my DH treats me, even if it didn't work out with my now DH & we hypothetically ended up breaking up, I would have STILL left my ex, because my DH showed me that I deserved better.

I am so envious. I had the same experience and left my DH but AP did not leave his wife and kids which I understand but I will look for him in other people all my life.

I'm really sorry, I can imagine that must've been a big let down for you... I would have been devastated.

But take my advice, it's better to start a relationship fresh, with neither of you having attachments to others.
Although it was only one kiss physically, I still wish I had taken care of my businesses first before starting anything with my now DH.

Find a guy that can be yours in every way possible. ❤

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I did.
I wad with my ex since I was 19 years old.
I had "dated" other guys before him, but nothing long term or serious.
My ex was very insecure, jealous, a really proficient gaslighter and controlling.

I worked with my now DH and he showed me that's not how a woman should be treated.
It started out as an emotional affair as we got closer, but we didn't do anything sexually or even a kiss until after a year of him being an incredible support system.

During that year of him building me up and making me realize how a relationship should be, I tried everything with my ex because I didn't want to be a failure... we even went to therapy & marriage counseling, but he was so set in his ways (he was 8 years older than me) so rigid, he wouldn't open up in therapy, he just kind of ran through the motions to appease the therapist.
It was incredibly frustrating.

After that first kiss with my now DH, I went home, packed a bag, went to my parents house and filled for separation 2 days later.

We've been married for 18 years, 3 awesome teens, my DH is an incredible husband & an even better father, and I have never been happier in my entire life.

I do still have guilt over the way we started our relationship, but after being treated the way my ex did & how my DH treats me, even if it didn't work out with my now DH & we hypothetically ended up breaking up, I would have STILL left my ex, because my DH showed me that I deserved better.

I am so envious. I had the same experience and left my DH but AP did not leave his wife and kids which I understand but I will look for him in other people all my life.

Similar experience here. Was with an abusive DH from age 18 and up. I came from an emotionally abusive household so didn’t have the ability to see the red flags and thought that’s what love was. I grew drained and tired after 20 years of it and when I met my now partner, then AP, I started realizing what real friendship, kindness and equality looked like. He had a similar situation to me. We both had accepted what we had as normal. That is sadly common for people with abusers. I wanted to leave DH regardless of what would happen with AP but was terrified of him. Ex-DH was twice my size and a very scary man. And controlling. I eventually did as did AP and we are now together. Our kids are young and I honestly don’t plan to hide it from them when they get older and ask, but will explain that while I could have made better choices there are real reasons I struggled to do so and only hope they make better relationship choices than I did. They have half their time with their dad and I already see signs of him manipulating and gaslighting them. I hate it and my biggest regret is that I chose an abusive man to marry and have kids with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The ones who remarry IMMEDIATELY amaze me. I have an AP, we are planning a life together, and we are going to great lengths to cover our tracks. Yes it's definitely selfish, but it's also better for the kids' wellbeing to not have that extra bitterness infect their lives. These people who jump into a new marriage with no shame fascinate me. Do they think others will forget with time? Do they not realize they'll wear a scarlet letter for life? Do they realize it but don't care??

Wow you lack self-awareness. Do you think you are somehow better than the cheaters who rush into marriage? Also, let’s be real here - your concern is not that it’s better for your kids, it’s all about what’s best for you. The rest of your post and concern about others forgetting makes that abundantly clear. Your real motivator is you don’t want other people to know because you know what you are doing is sh!tty and you don’t want other people to look at you differently. That would force you to have to deal with your cognitive dissonance and you don’t want to have to self-reflect like that. What’s really fascinating is that you deign to be appalled by other cheaters while somehow not realizing you are worse.

I mean, everything I wrote is consistent. Correct I don't want people to know. But also correct it's better for the kids' psyches that they don't know. And also correct that there are levels of audacity. So yes I do think I'm better and smarter than someone who remarries instantly. You're the one with cognitive dissonance. You can't process that a cheater can make wise decisions.

Lol. Narcissists are entertaining as all heck!

And stupid! Sorry guy, but as a child from a father like this, you think the kids won't look back and figure this out you're wrong, and you'll do better by them to figure that out sooner rather than later. I would have had a relationship with my father if he had ever admitted honestly what he did (and there was so much proof) but without that, I did'nt need him. He never fessed up up until the day he died. People figure out cheaters .... it's not new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yup, my father. Left my mother after 25 years, married the woman, and were together another 30'ish years until he passed.

How old were they when they go together/he died?

Mid 40's when he left, died late 70's.