Anyone have an affair and actually end up with that person?

[Anonymous]

My best friend's father did. His second wife (former AP) is actually very nice, although a bit dull. His former wife (my best friend's mom) is really unstable and a difficult person, although fun and attractive. I don't condone the affair, but maybe he just wanted someone more stable. Still, he should have just ended the first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

This is life though. I won the writing prize in HS and my friend was devastated. I won a scholarship in college and someone else had to work to pay tuition. I won a fellowship to grad school and someone else took out loans.

That’s different from stealing an award or scholarship from someone who already won it.

Er, a spouse is not a prize/property to be stolen. If you treat your spouse as your prize/property, don't blame someone who sees a human in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my relatives cheated and his wife divorced him. He is still with the AP, but never married her. His kids will never come to his house. He has to go there, or they meet. He regrets it big time because he had bigger problems with the AP because he allowed her to break up the family. It's actually very sad.

Another one I know left his wife after 30 years. Two of the kids never talked to h im again, and the AP died within 5 years. Maybe it was a mid life crisis, but he destroyed h is life. His ex wife is very happy today.

Living well is the best revenge.

I was with the ex wife last weekend and her daughter. They are very happy. She won the home in the divorce which she sold recently for 6 times the amount. He had to start over with the AP because she had nothing. After she died he became depressed and had health problems. He and his wife had just paid off their home, and were looking forward to retirement when the AP started coming around. It amazed everyone he dumped his entire family for her. No it didn't turn out well at all for him. I guess at some point Karma does come around to bad people. Sure did for him and AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

This is life though. I won the writing prize in HS and my friend was devastated. I won a scholarship in college and someone else had to work to pay tuition. I won a fellowship to grad school and someone else took out loans.

That’s different from stealing an award or scholarship from someone who already won it.

Er, a spouse is not a prize/property to be stolen. If you treat your spouse as your prize/property, don't blame someone who sees a human in them.

No but if you are a co-cheater and guilty of dating a married person it puts you in that category. That's what the poster was trying to state. In short, you are a horrible person who builds your life off another's misery that you created! I thought that was obvious in their post, and btw very true!

[Anonymous]

According to a 2017 study, relationships that started due to mate poaching are generally less satisfied, less committed, and less invested in their relationships when compared to people whose relationships started when they were both single. People in relationships that started with mate poaching also tend to be more interested in pursuing other relationship options, in other words, they’re likely to cheat again.

[Anonymous]

More interesting data on why they don't:

How do affairs usually end?
Almost all affairs are discovered at one point or another. At that point, the married couple will face a choice together. They will either decide to end the marriage and deal with subsequent issues of alimony, divorce, and child support, or they will decide to stay together. Contrary to popular belief, most married couples stay together after one has an affair. Some couples even use it as a wake-up call to deal with greater problems in the relationship and use it as an opportunity to bring passion back to their union. Other people choose to divorce and perhaps the affair becomes a relationship. However, relationships that started with cheating are statistically less likely to be successful than relationships that started in other circumstances, and one of the reasons for this is that these affairs are built on infatuation, secrecy, and deception, and so do not have what it takes to stand when it comes to face to face with real-life challenges. In fact, only 3-5% of relationships that started as affairs lead to marriage.

What percentage of affairs end in divorce?

It’s possible to save your marriage after an affair. In fact, the majority of married couples will stay together after an affair. Fewer than 25% of married men and women will leave their marriage for a partner they met while having an affair. So, a married woman or man is not likely to leave their marriage for a lover. This could be due to people not wanting to deal with legal issues like alimony, child support, and the justice system, or it could be because the affair was a wake-up call, which they used to bring more togetherness and intimacy into their own relationship. Couples can recover after infidelity affairs or marital affairs, so if you’re wondering if that’s possible for a personal romantic relationship of yours where marital affairs have been present, know that it is possible if both you and your spouse are dedicated and invested in healing your trust and the relationship overall.

Are affairs real love?
This is a complex question that will significantly depend on your personal situation. Can people find love outside of marriage? Yes. But, in terms of statistics, do affairs usually lead to happy and satisfying relationships? No, not usually. Couples who started as cheating then later came together, whether they were couple friends, best friends, coworkers, or in-laws, tend to be more unhappy in their relationships as opposed to people who both started single. It may feel good at the beginning; you both love to spend time together in each other’s company. However, these affairs rarely last, especially when tested with real-life challenges. Also, someone who cheated in their marriage or relationship is about three times more likely to cheat again in later relationships. For that reason, it is best to seek out available partners, because if they are cheating in their relationship, then they might be using you for reasons other than genuine love.

[Anonymous]

Of course! However they forever lost the respect of family and friends. Everyone knows and whispers about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but we met at the end of our marriages. He was formally separated (and a total mess). I was not yet formally separated but months away from it and the separation and divorce would have happened irrespective of DH because my ex is a horrible sociopath who brings darkness and depression with him wherever he goes. Together almost 8 years, married 5, had a baby. Marriage has its ups and downs but we're overall really happy. I am definitely guarded in this marriage though, like I have accepted the fact that it could end at any moment and I know I'll be sad but okay if it does, which is liberating in a way, and also keeps him on his toes because he senses my willingness to leave if he screws up like he did in his first marriage. I wouldn't trade the high points of the last 8 years together or our beautiful child for anything even if the marriage eventually implodes, so no regrets.

+1. Similar for me, too. I met someone towards the end of my marriage. He was still married, but started divorce process soon after we met. I would’ve left my ex regardless. He’s a horrible person, and I’m so happy to not be married to him any longer. DH was unhappy, and just coasting through his marriage. He knew he wasn’t happy, and was never going to be with his ex. Meeting me was just the motivation he needed to leave. Our married life is infinitely better than my last marriage. We enjoy each other’s company. We laugh, play, and like having regular sex with each other. DH tells our story truthfully. We met while both married to other people, both divorced, and now we’re happily together. I never feel like I’m wearing a scarlet letter. I don’t care about other people’s choice of mates, and I’ve found they really don’t care about mine. No regrets on my current life.

[Anonymous]

My AP and I have been together, separated from our former spouses, for over 2 years now. We are very happy, but also aware that we didn't do the right thing in how we got started. We are careful to take care of our relationship since we both clearly see how our previous relationships went wrong due to lack of communication and a willingness not to work to ensure that we were happy. My ex-DH and I hadn't shared a bedroom or a bed for years before I met my AP and I was left working my a$$ off both professionally and with the kids with very little love or affection. I'm so much happier and I'm a far better Mom now. Kids are late teens, thank goodness, so they've actually been quite understanding and have embraced AP. Luckily his 1 step-daughter is already a grown adult, though she's had more trouble with it than my kids did. I give them a lot of space and make sure they can work on their relationship without me around.

It isn't how I would choose things to happen and it's actually quite out of character for me, a person who has always followed all of the rules, but it just happened. We're a good team and I feel like being in our 50's makes us realize who we really are and who we want to be. We're actively happy everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

This is life though. I won the writing prize in HS and my friend was devastated. I won a scholarship in college and someone else had to work to pay tuition. I won a fellowship to grad school and someone else took out loans.

That’s different from stealing an award or scholarship from someone who already won it.

Er, a spouse is not a prize/property to be stolen. If you treat your spouse as your prize/property, don't blame someone who sees a human in them.

No but if you are a co-cheater and guilty of dating a married person it puts you in that category. That's what the poster was trying to state. In short, you are a horrible person who builds your life off another's misery that you created! I thought that was obvious in their post, and btw very true!

Ugh. Being treated like property was exactly the reason I had an affair and left my xH for my AP, who treats me like a human being. I wasn't stolen, everyone involved made choices.

Any unhappiness my ex still feels is entirely their own doing. It's been years, they're still angry, but everyone else has moved on and is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been together, separated from our former spouses, for over 2 years now. We are very happy, but also aware that we didn't do the right thing in how we got started. We are careful to take care of our relationship since we both clearly see how our previous relationships went wrong due to lack of communication and a willingness not to work to ensure that we were happy. My ex-DH and I hadn't shared a bedroom or a bed for years before I met my AP and I was left working my a$$ off both professionally and with the kids with very little love or affection. I'm so much happier and I'm a far better Mom now. Kids are late teens, thank goodness, so they've actually been quite understanding and have embraced AP. Luckily his 1 step-daughter is already a grown adult, though she's had more trouble with it than my kids did. I give them a lot of space and make sure they can work on their relationship without me around.

It isn't how I would choose things to happen and it's actually quite out of character for me, a person who has always followed all of the rules, but it just happened. We're a good team and I feel like being in our 50's makes us realize who we really are and who we want to be. We're actively happy everyday.

Step-daughter, has he already F'd up two marriages? Yeah- he needs a lot of therapy work.

[Anonymous]

A woman I know did. She was in her early 30s with no kids from her previous marriage. AP was single and slightly younger than her. Her XH had some sort of gambling mentality, and without her knowledge or consent, he invested a large sum of their marital assets plus borrowed money into some risky investment, and he lost all the money. The total amount he lost (their own $ plus borrowed $) was at least 2-3 times of their combined annual income at that time. The woman and her AP were already attracted to each other, but weren't physically intimate until she discovered the shocking truth of her XH took all the money and lost them in the risky investment. She soon divorced her XH.

She's been with her AP for a few years and they have a kid together. The AP is definitely a step-up from her XH: slightly younger and better looking than XH, well educated, making good money ($200-300k in early 30s with higher potential later on), from a wealthy family, no baggages (previous marriages or kids), and to my best knowledge no major flaws like her XH's gambling mentality.

[Anonymous]

I did. Or, I should say, she did. I openly stole her away. Been together 8 years now. No regrets. Most women I've been with were not truly single when we met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course! However they forever lost the respect of family and friends. Everyone knows and whispers about it.

They don’t care what people think so don’t waste your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP and I have been together, separated from our former spouses, for over 2 years now. We are very happy, but also aware that we didn't do the right thing in how we got started. We are careful to take care of our relationship since we both clearly see how our previous relationships went wrong due to lack of communication and a willingness not to work to ensure that we were happy. My ex-DH and I hadn't shared a bedroom or a bed for years before I met my AP and I was left working my a$$ off both professionally and with the kids with very little love or affection. I'm so much happier and I'm a far better Mom now. Kids are late teens, thank goodness, so they've actually been quite understanding and have embraced AP. Luckily his 1 step-daughter is already a grown adult, though she's had more trouble with it than my kids did. I give them a lot of space and make sure they can work on their relationship without me around.

It isn't how I would choose things to happen and it's actually quite out of character for me, a person who has always followed all of the rules, but it just happened. We're a good team and I feel like being in our 50's makes us realize who we really are and who we want to be. We're actively happy everyday.

It sounds like you don't really care, but FYI, I was that kid and I was only pretending to be okay with it. When I got out of the house and more secure in my own adulthood, I was able to act on my true views. Be prepared.