Privy to 20-something nephew's red flags, tell brother (management) before he hires him?

[Anonymous]

I'm closer with my sister than my very busy and successful brother is, so I'm aware of deep and long-term character red flags in nephew that are unbeknownst to him. After burning basically every other bridge, my nephew is signaling a desire to mooch from my brother (his uncle). Basically get a job bailout and skate from his culmination of his poor decisions and any consequences. My husband says butt out, if my brother wants to give the young man a chance, let him. My POV is maybe it's something he can pursue in the future, but I don't know how a young adult ever learns if they're immediately bailed out. And obviously I worry he may do something very stupid at my brother's corp.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm closer with my sister than my very busy and successful brother is, so I'm aware of deep and long-term character red flags in nephew that are unbeknownst to him. After burning basically every other bridge, my nephew is signaling a desire to mooch from my brother (his uncle). Basically get a job bailout and skate from his culmination of his poor decisions and any consequences. My husband says butt out, if my brother wants to give the young man a chance, let him. My POV is maybe it's something he can pursue in the future, but I don't know how a young adult ever learns if they're immediately bailed out. And obviously I worry he may do something very stupid at my brother's corp.

To add, this is also why our brother is not aware. My BIL and sister have bailed the nephew out over and over and over and he's never faced consequences. And they project this outward perfect image, so my brother is oblivious to all of this. They/he have mooched from everyone in their orbit, burned every bridge, and now with his latest screw up, they want to move into a new oblivious host: my brother.

[Anonymous]

Sorry , you can't say anything that would be discrimination

[Anonymous]

You need to give some examples because we have no way of understanding what your nephew has done.

[Anonymous]

He's your brother, but that doesn't mean he will listen. You can give him a heads-up, and then drop it entirely. If nephew screws up (embezzles or whatever), you warned him. If you say nothing, and nephew screws up, brother might feel betrayed. Depends on the level of the screw-ups, too. If normal growing pains, say nothing.

[Anonymous]

If you give us examples of poor behavior, we can advise you better. It's better to stick to facts.


It might not be the case here, but since I work with such individuals, I suggest you avoid value judgments on people suffering from diagnosed or undiagnosed mental disorders such as ADHD, especially if they have lacked psychiatric care and have not benefited from behavior modification therapy.

The reason I say this is that too often families do not seek adequate healthcare for their kids with anxiety, depression or ADHD during their childhoods, and then they grow up to become young adults who behave in unprofessional and immature ways, and may self-medicate with drugs or other addictive behaviors like excessive video gaming.

You can condemn the behaviors and alert others in a diplomatic and respectful way, while recognizing such people's health has been neglected through no fault of their own.

The language in your post is subjective, generalist and hyperbolic, so I am concerned that you are thinking emotionally and not rationally here.

[Anonymous]

Is your nephew addicted to drugs? A spousal abuser? Publicly exposing himself?

Please butt out otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to give some examples because we have no way of understanding what your nephew has done.

Shameless liar, fired from jobs, tried to pay my daughter (his cousin) to write college papers for him, burned every bridge, sad to say frankly he's a devious mooch. My daughter knows even more as it relates to his peer group and interpersonal behavior. He, with the help of my sister and BIL, puts on this Eddie Haskell routine to conceal who he really is.

Maybe he'll grow up one day, but I don't think he should be bailed out by my immediate* family. He's never shown any contrition and has never dealt with any consequences, just gets serial bailouts from mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to give some examples because we have no way of understanding what your nephew has done.

Shameless liar, fired from jobs, tried to pay my daughter (his cousin) to write college papers for him, burned every bridge, sad to say frankly he's a devious mooch. My daughter knows even more as it relates to his peer group and behavior. He, with the help of my sister and BIL, puts on this Eddie Haskell routine to conceal who he really is.

Maybe he'll grow up one day, but I don't think he should be bailed out by my immediately family. He's never shown any contrition and has never dealt with any consequences, just gets serial bailouts from mom and dad.

It's hard to assess the situation because you can't help generalize and judge. I've bolded all the things you should be leaving out so that we can have an unbiased discussion.
They are opinions, not facts, and they cloud the actual behaviors.

In practice, what are you afraid will happen? He will not be competent? He will try to get others to do his job? He will lie about these things?

If you decide to talk to your brother, you do understand that he will need FACTS? If you tell him the drivel you've told us, he won't respect you at all. A fact would be: "In college, he offered my daughter money to write his paper for him". Or, "He was fired from X number of jobs that I know of". Or, "He lied on X number of occasions that I know of".

I'm not sure we're getting through to you, OP. In life, you need to base arguments on solid facts.

[Anonymous]

From your examples, the job firings is the only red flag to me. If your brother hired him without doing his due diligence, I think I would stay out of it. If your brother hasn’t hired him yet, you could recommend he use his typical hiring/recruitment employment standards. Is it possible your brother is aware of your nephew‘s history?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your examples, the job firings is the only red flag to me. If your brother hired him without doing his due diligence, I think I would stay out of it. If your brother hasn’t hired him yet, you could recommend he use his typical hiring/recruitment employment standards. Is it possible your brother is aware of your nephew‘s history?

My brother is 100% unaware. "On paper" and the web my sister weaves, he probably seems like an above average, high-character young man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm closer with my sister than my very busy and successful brother is, so I'm aware of deep and long-term character red flags in nephew that are unbeknownst to him. After burning basically every other bridge, my nephew is signaling a desire to mooch from my brother (his uncle). Basically get a job bailout and skate from his culmination of his poor decisions and any consequences. My husband says butt out, if my brother wants to give the young man a chance, let him. My POV is maybe it's something he can pursue in the future, but I don't know how a young adult ever learns if they're [b]immediately bailed out.[/b] And obviously I worry he may do something very stupid at my brother's corp.

I highly doubt you would have the same outlook if this were your own child. You sound really mean and eager to see this kid fail. And actually, your "POV" is really not applicable in this environment: you realize how hard it is for a young person to get a job during a pandemic, right?

I am sure the kid's parents know what a vindictive, mean person you are, so you are not privy to relevant details about their child. How do you know he doesn't have a medical issue?

When I was in high school, my best friend's brother committed suicide. The shock really put a lot of his behavior into perspective, and I'm sure many people would have changed their perceptions of him if they'd known the terrible depression he was trying to--but ultimately could not--overcome.

Try to have a little compassion. Sometimes showing confidence and support makes more of a difference in a young person's life than pettily keeping score and wanting to see them fail (which is how you come off here).

[Anonymous]

You sound like you hate your nephew and have a strong personal grudge against him.

Maybe he deserves it, maybe he doesn't, but when you are this focused on making sure a kid that is not your kid 'suffers' adequately than you come off as a mean person stepping far over the boundary lines.

It is legitimately hard to tell if your brother should be warned as you come across as incredibly unreliable as a narrator. Do you have parents? If so let them make this decision as I imagine they care about their grandson and son more equally and can make a balanced recommendation. You seem to hate your nephew so are clearly incapable of conveying any type of warning with grace or compassion.

[Anonymous]

I would probably give the brother a heads up in a very neutral, non-judgmental way-- not for the brother's sake (he can do his own due diligence) but so that your brother can maybe keep an eye on and guide his nephew. His parents have clearly failed him. Maybe his uncle will be the adult who can turn him around.