Privy to 20-something nephew's red flags, tell brother (management) before he hires him?

[Anonymous]

I had an aunt like you, OP.

I was shocked to recently learn from a cousin that my aunt had "warned" her to stay away from me because I was "in a bad crowd and drinking and using drugs."

I was caught drinking a beer at a friend's house ONE TIME in high school, and the parents of the host blamed me for bringing the beer (two sixpacks for a group of 8 girls at a sleepover). It was actually the host who got the beer, then blamed me when her parents caught us drinking beer while watching Buffy and painting each other's nails. The parents were friends with my aunt and told her all about my corruptive party animal ways.

And my aunt told SO MANY PEOPLE how bad I was. Looking back, it was really creepy and weird, and my aunt was a nasty piece of work. Like you, OP.

I went to an Ivy League school and have turned out fine, despite the fact that I didn't get that internship due to my busybody aunt's nasty gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds like you are a busybody, and let me guess -- you are also either a SAHM or under-employed, and wish somebody would hand you an easy freebie of a job without deserving it.

No, no, no, and no. I work from home in a career I love. My kids aren't perfect, either, but they live with their consequences, we don't immediately scheme for them so they never learn and grow up. I've held my tongue for years as I've watched this young man (enabled by his parents) mooch and burn bridge, and now they're trying to move onto a new host (my very successful brother).

[Anonymous]

Do you have a long-standing rivalry with your sister, OP? Because your post reeks of a desire to see her and her family taken down a peg. Are they more materially successful then you or something? Or do you feel like your parents helped them unfairly? Has your sister always been favored, in your view?

If you were at all balanced and fair-sounding I would encourage you to tell your brother, but you are clearly operating out of spite, so listen to your husband and stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely warn your brother no question. I can only assume the huffy responses here are from mothers of similar fail sons. Just stick to the facts when you tell him, sounds like they’re perfectly damning without any added opinion from you.

Most of us aren't saying not to warn the brother. However we do question OP's motives and understanding of the situation. She sounds really vindictive and emotional. If she just sticks to ACTUAL FACTS, she's fine. You'll notice OP presented dubious facts. She mentioned a few things, but from the way she listed them along with dramatic generalizations, I'm not certain the plurals (firings, lies, etc) she used are real plurals, or whether she makes assumptions based on preconceived notions about her relatives.

I point this out because my mother and aunt tend to communicate in this exaggerated way: a relative gets fired, doesn't have enough rent and has to live with someone else, and they start gossiping to everyone that the relative has gotten fired multiple times, then they declare that he's a moocher and a layabout, and finally after a couple of years, they "just know" that he's an overall disgusting human being... luckily, now we all know how it snowballs in their heads and we take everything they say with a grain of salt (and have lost all respect for them).

Moral: stick to facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds like you are a busybody, and let me guess -- you are also either a SAHM or under-employed, and wish somebody would hand you an easy freebie of a job without deserving it.

No, no, no, and no. I work from home in a career I love. My kids aren't perfect, either, but they live with their consequences, we don't immediately scheme for them so they never learn and grow up. I've held my tongue for years as I've watched this young man (enabled by his parents) mooch and burn bridge, and now they're trying to move onto a new host (my very successful brother).

Etsy store? Home daycare?

Sorry, but your sweeping generalizations and writing style do not indicate a highly intelligent, driven person.

[Anonymous]

Unless your nephew is doing something illegal that would implicate your brother or his business I would stay mum.

I highly doubt that your brother would give him a position that is important enough that would make him lose significant money, and your brother will find out sooner or later based either honest feedback from his subordinates that supervise your nephew or witnessing the nephew himself.

Also, you may never know, sounds like your nephew never had to hold any sort of responsibility his entire life, maybe this is it? Just wait and see (again assuming he's not doing illegal stuff).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely warn your brother no question. I can only assume the huffy responses here are from mothers of similar fail sons. Just stick to the facts when you tell him, sounds like they’re perfectly damning without any added opinion from you.

That's the impression I too was getting from such spirited and borderline unhinged defenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely warn your brother no question. I can only assume the huffy responses here are from mothers of similar fail sons. Just stick to the facts when you tell him, sounds like they’re perfectly damning without any added opinion from you.

I agree with this totally. All these people heaping criticism on you sound SUPER defensive and suspect.

This is your family, not some random employer or friend, you have an obligation to speak to your brother. Wouldn't you want the same thing? You have information that you can impart. I think you should do it unemotionally and presenting facts that you are 100% sure of, and then be done.

Ok OP sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely warn your brother no question. I can only assume the huffy responses here are from mothers of similar fail sons. Just stick to the facts when you tell him, sounds like they’re perfectly damning without any added opinion from you.

Most of us aren't saying not to warn the brother. However we do question OP's motives and understanding of the situation. She sounds really vindictive and emotional. If she just sticks to ACTUAL FACTS, she's fine. You'll notice OP presented dubious facts. She mentioned a few things, but from the way she listed them along with dramatic generalizations, I'm not certain the plurals (firings, lies, etc) she used are real plurals, or whether she makes assumptions based on preconceived notions about her relatives.

I point this out because my mother and aunt tend to communicate in this exaggerated way: a relative gets fired, doesn't have enough rent and has to live with someone else, and they start gossiping to everyone that the relative has gotten fired multiple times, then they declare that he's a moocher and a layabout, and finally after a couple of years, they "just know" that he's an overall disgusting human being... luckily, now we all know how it snowballs in their heads and we take everything they say with a grain of salt (and have lost all respect for them).

Moral: stick to facts.

+1

[Anonymous]

What's the term, "snowplow parents"? Quite a few in this thread, I suspect, who are triggered by someone tipping off their next mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the term, "snowplow parents"? Quite a few in this thread, I suspect, who are triggered by someone tipping off their next mark.

Nope. My kid is doing fine in med school and was an easy child.

But I know people like OP and they enrage me: petty, purse-lipped busybodies who gossip viciously about children and people less fortunate than themselves. I don't know any ultra-successful career women who do this.

Let me guess, OP. We "give too many free handouts" to the homeless and the poor, and "it's better to teach a man to fish than to give him a fish"? And that's why you vote Republican every time?

[Anonymous]

You are actively trying to stop help for your nephew. How horrible of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you always this negative OP? Mind your own business and let the kid have a chance to succeed. Not everyone is "perfect" like you.

Let the young guy have a chance. If he can't cut it he will wash out on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds like you are a busybody, and let me guess -- you are also either a SAHM or under-employed, and wish somebody would hand you an easy freebie of a job without deserving it.

No, no, no, and no. I work from home in a career I love. My kids aren't perfect, either, but they live with their consequences, we don't immediately scheme for them so they never learn and grow up. I've held my tongue for years as I've watched this young man (enabled by his parents) mooch and burn bridge, and now they're trying to move onto a new host (my very successful brother).

Etsy store? Home daycare?

Sorry, but your sweeping generalizations and writing style do not indicate a highly intelligent, driven person.

Let the young man have a chance. If he does not do well on the job he will wash out on his own. Since he has your successful brother at the helm he might learn something
and turn himself around.

[Anonymous]

Anon email