Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

[Anonymous]

How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

[Anonymous]

No self confidence
Need money
Convinced they can change the cheater

[Anonymous]

Not everyone sees sexual fidelity as the gravest sin. There are worse things my spouse can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone sees sexual fidelity as the gravest sin. There are worse things my spouse can do.

And why should I have to give up half time with kids, and every other holiday?

[Anonymous]

Don't judge. You really don't know what other people value in a relationship. For some people it's a dealbreaker, while for others it just isn't.

Not your relationship, not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

I think it's tricky.

I think a lot of cheaters are narcissists and use gaslighting over the years and it becomes almost like emotional abuse so that their spouse loses confidence or becomes depressed. They can be manipulative and charming and when caught act genuinely upset and tell all kinds of lies and have a 'honeymoon phase'. They beg, they cry, they swear it will never happen again and it was not love. It was a big mistake and they are so, so, so, so sorry. They do therapy and show that they are serious. Some times they are, sometimes they aren't and they do it again.
Now- it's the second time that would be a deal breaker for good.

I think some women without their own financial income are worried about losing a lifestyle. They don't want to lose $.

Then, some do not want to have to give up some holidays and weekends with their kids. They feel like they have more control over their children than what a partner's future partner's/boyfriends/girlfriends could inflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't judge. You really don't know what other people value in a relationship. For some people it's a dealbreaker, while for others it just isn't.

Not your relationship, not your problem.

+1. I stayed with a cheater who was a broken man, deeply traumatized in childhood. He was remorseful, went to therapy (individually, couples, and sexual addiction anonymous), and everything else I asked for - open electronics, medical tests, disclosure, financial, and legal). He agreed to polygraphs, but I didn’t ask for that. He is a great partner, and years later I am very happy with him. The cheating was painful and forced me to evaluate my codependency and childhood trauma issues. We have an incredibly strong bond healing through the pain and rebuilding trust together. I know all his secrets and demons and can love him knowing his flaws. He’s grateful I gave him a chance and shows his gratitude- he’s loving, kind, and generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

Well, nothing was really burned down.

Why stay:

- don't want to lose half my money, pension, assets
- don't want to lose time with the kids
- don't want to do all the child-rearing myself, this is a two-person job
- at the end of the day, I'm fond of my spouse
- when viewed against the total reality of family and marriage, where a person puts his genitals is a minor thing. I mean it's unpleasant but if he remortgaged the house or stole marital assets, it would be much more of a crime.

[Anonymous]

I will provide a perspective from a friend that shed a whole new light on this for me.

She met her husband when they were in their mid twenties. Happily married into their mid forties. He suddenly starts serially cheating on her. Her friends find his tinder profile. He in fact starts dating another woman and moves to another city.

She is heartbroken and devastated but also confused. As, they did have a good relationship and were best friends. She does not react. He comes back and asks to go to therapy. they learn they he has severe emotional and self esteem issues from his impoverished childhood. Furthermore, as her career took off and she became more professionally recognized, he felt insecure and that she did not love him. So he self-sabotaged with the fear of losing her.

After a year of therapy. They are back together. He never loved anyone else. He is grateful and happy and cannot believe she loves him that much. She is hurt but happy to have her best friend back.

Cheating is not about the spouse being cheated on or even the relationship. Its a maladjusted person's way of crying out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

Well, nothing was really burned down.

Why stay:

- don't want to lose half my money, pension, assets
- don't want to lose time with the kids
- don't want to do all the child-rearing myself, this is a two-person job
- at the end of the day, I'm fond of my spouse
- when viewed against the total reality of family and marriage, where a person puts his genitals is a minor thing. I mean it's unpleasant but if he remortgaged the house or stole marital assets, it would be much more of a crime.

So back to first response - no self confidence.

You think it's only about 'putting genitals?" What about respect for your marriage, your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will provide a perspective from a friend that shed a whole new light on this for me.

She met her husband when they were in their mid twenties. Happily married into their mid forties. He suddenly starts serially cheating on her. Her friends find his tinder profile. He in fact starts dating another woman and moves to another city.

She is heartbroken and devastated but also confused. As, they did have a good relationship and were best friends. She does not react. He comes back and asks to go to therapy. they learn they he has severe emotional and self esteem issues from his impoverished childhood. Furthermore, as her career took off and she became more professionally recognized, he felt insecure and that she did not love him. So he self-sabotaged with the fear of losing her.

After a year of therapy. They are back together. He never loved anyone else. He is grateful and happy and cannot believe she loves him that much. She is hurt but happy to have her best friend back.

Cheating is not about the spouse being cheated on or even the relationship. Its a maladjusted person's way of crying out.

LOL ok. This relationship is totally normal and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

Well, nothing was really burned down.

Why stay:

- don't want to lose half my money, pension, assets
- don't want to lose time with the kids
- don't want to do all the child-rearing myself, this is a two-person job
- at the end of the day, I'm fond of my spouse
- when viewed against the total reality of family and marriage, where a person puts his genitals is a minor thing. I mean it's unpleasant but if he remortgaged the house or stole marital assets, it would be much more of a crime.

So back to first response - no self confidence.

You think it's only about 'putting genitals?" What about respect for your marriage, your family?

I don't really know what you mean by self confidence. I am perfectly confident in my ability to carry this family alone. I just don't want to.

Everyone has a different definition of respect. I've noticed that sometimes on this board there is a great deal of anger toward women who admit to staying with their adulterous husbands. I am not quite sure why.

[Anonymous]

Didn't want my children to be children of divorce.

Ended up divorced anyway. My advice, if he cheats, leave immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will provide a perspective from a friend that shed a whole new light on this for me.

She met her husband when they were in their mid twenties. Happily married into their mid forties. He suddenly starts serially cheating on her. Her friends find his tinder profile. He in fact starts dating another woman and moves to another city.

She is heartbroken and devastated but also confused. As, they did have a good relationship and were best friends. She does not react. He comes back and asks to go to therapy. they learn they he has severe emotional and self esteem issues from his impoverished childhood. Furthermore, as her career took off and she became more professionally recognized, he felt insecure and that she did not love him. So he self-sabotaged with the fear of losing her.

After a year of therapy. They are back together. He never loved anyone else. He is grateful and happy and cannot believe she loves him that much. She is hurt but happy to have her best friend back.

Cheating is not about the spouse being cheated on or even the relationship. Its a maladjusted person's way of crying out.

LOL ok. This relationship is totally normal and healthy.

Honestly, it sounds like he’s really smooth, and she wanted to believe his BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

Well, nothing was really burned down.

Why stay:

- don't want to lose half my money, pension, assets
- don't want to lose time with the kids
- don't want to do all the child-rearing myself, this is a two-person job
- at the end of the day, I'm fond of my spouse
- when viewed against the total reality of family and marriage, where a person puts his genitals is a minor thing. I mean it's unpleasant but if he remortgaged the house or stole marital assets, it would be much more of a crime.

So back to first response - no self confidence.

You think it's only about 'putting genitals?" What about respect for your marriage, your family?

I don't really know what you mean by self confidence. I am perfectly confident in my ability to carry this family alone. I just don't want to.

Everyone has a different definition of respect. I've noticed that sometimes on this board there is a great deal of anger toward women who admit to staying with their adulterous husbands. I am not quite sure why.

Np here and to me that makes sense as well as the poster who didn't want to see her kids half the time. I also think that many women won't admit it but that years out from an episode of cheating ( no long term serial cheating but a fling), if they eventually left and divorced, that they regret that they did so and wish they had stayed and worked it out.

Divorce and remarriage is so hard and it's really hard on the kids.