Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has different dealbreakers. For me, a ONS wouldn't be a dealbreaker. If he fell in love with someone, that would be pretty devastating and I don't feel like there's any coming back from that. Or if he ran up a credit card bill behind my back. Mess with my credit / financial stability at your own risk.

Otherwise, PP already listed a long list of reasons to keep the family together. I know plenty of wonderful divorced/blended families, happy families, and it is still VERY hard on everyone.

This is the key for me, too. I wouldn’t be happy about a ONS but I wouldn’t consider it a dealbreaker if it wasn’t a pattern. But for me personally, knowing that my spouse had a loving, emotional connection with someone else while stringing me along would be unforgivable.

Here's the thing though: Your perception of "loving, emotional connection" At the time the cheaters may fee its real but it is often not or not at the depth you are imagining or has so many unhealthy motivators fueling it and this may become clearer only in time. The cheater who decides to work on the marriage may have to grieve the emotional affair partner and that is hard for the spouse. The feelings may have been real. But they are not the only feelings. The cheater also may feel shame at discovery, deep regret and remorse for the pain they inflicted and ultimately when the rubber hits the road, they may actually still want their spouse or be surprised by the depth of love the spouse still has for them and in the light of day, many men will drop the emotional affair partner. Shit gets real fast when it all comes out and there is a profound intimacy in that as well, when you really realize you are not ready to let go. Not in all cases, but some. For women it may be different. If the cheater does things to repair, once the affair is analyzed psychologically, or understood in the light of day, once it is no longer a secret, it often loses its power and while it may take time, spouses can recommit and genuinely find a better, deeper intimacy. My husband had one. We drifted and got lost, he emotionally connected with someone, it was discovered before they acted on it fully, we recommitted and I know in my bones we are better and we are healthier. My staying was rooted in a deeper, intuitive knowing of what I wanted at each step. it was not a decision rooted in fear or low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Many emotional affairs are limerance. They are characterized by obsession and fantasy aka affair fog. There may be some real intimacy there too, but that does not mean people will choose it over their marriage. It has to be grieved, but that is part of the process.