Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

[Anonymous]

Don’t we all know a woman who “loves a project.” They find deeply flawed men and envision themselves the one that will “fix” him and this earn his undying and ever faithful love....

It’s literally the plot line of half of romantic comedies. M


Men cheat, they get caught, they apologize, women get to play the martyr and earn praise for their steadfastness, blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has different dealbreakers. For me, a ONS wouldn't be a dealbreaker. If he fell in love with someone, that would be pretty devastating and I don't feel like there's any coming back from that. Or if he ran up a credit card bill behind my back. Mess with my credit / financial stability at your own risk.

Otherwise, PP already listed a long list of reasons to keep the family together. I know plenty of wonderful divorced/blended families, happy families, and it is still VERY hard on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ trust me when I say this: his behavior indicates he’s most likely cheating. Typical gaslighting behavior. Sounds exactly like my spouse before I accidentally stumbled upon evidence of an affair

PP here. You're probably right. In my gut, I know he has. Plus I've seen things like condoms that dwindle in numbers, and I know I'm not any part of using them. It's just that having a faithful romantic partner isn't even on my top 100 list right now. The only thing about the lack of loving partner that bothers me is that we're modeling NOT having that for our kids. Right now I'm focused on how to figure out what the best situation is for the kids and me. I'd like to think that maybe one day I might have that after the kids are grown and on their own. It's kind of sad to think I would go through life never having a loving spouse, but it's also just not a priority for me right now.

I'm obviously one of the broken people with childhood trauma that some pp's were talking about. I thought I had broken away from my abusive past, but it looks like I'm just perpetuating it although not as bad as the home I grew up in. I'm hearing a lot of scorn from people looking down on people like me, but I think the scornful really don't understand how hard it is to build a healthy life when you came from pure hell. I've been trying to do better my whole life, but it's just so hard to see the signs and make good choices when you didn't grow up with that. It's hard to explain to people who didn't have that kind of childhood. I thought I was doing better than I was but now I realize that I'm not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?

I think it's tricky.

I think a lot of cheaters are narcissists and use gaslighting over the years and it becomes almost like emotional abuse so that their spouse loses confidence or becomes depressed. They can be manipulative and charming and when caught act genuinely upset and tell all kinds of lies and have a 'honeymoon phase'. They beg, they cry, they swear it will never happen again and it was not love. It was a big mistake and they are so, so, so, so sorry. They do therapy and show that they are serious. Some times they are, sometimes they aren't and they do it again.
Now- it's the second time that would be a deal breaker for good.

I think some women without their own financial income are worried about losing a lifestyle. They don't want to lose $.

Then, some do not want to have to give up some holidays and weekends with their kids. They feel like they have more control over their children than what a partner's future partner's/boyfriends/girlfriends could inflict.

+1. I think my husband has cheated. I'm not sure, but I don't really care. We haven't had sex in several years and our relationship is just sharing the workload at this point. What I do care about is that he's been an emotionally abusive gas-lighter. I don't agree when people say that being cheated on is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Obviously their relationships are much better than mine. The cheating is the least of it from my perspective.

So right now I need to figure what I'm going to do. I have a serious, deteriorating health condition and I'm very afraid for my employment future. Husband isn't a high earner. I've stayed thus far because I don't want to lose being with my kids every day. It would be very difficult to take care of the young ones on my own every day without a break and I'm afraid to split custody with him. I'm very concerned about my husband's ability to care for them when it's his turn. He doesn't have good judgment or patience. I have to step in even when I can barely walk because he yells and acts like a jerk. I'm also terrified of what type of person he might start dating or marry. His own mom was an evil stepmother to his dad's first child from a previous marriage, and he's so selfish that I think all he would care about is how new gf/wife treats him not his existing kids just like his dad did. Also, I couldn't afford to live in the good school district with a not too horrible commute on just what I earn. The kids are doing so well now since we moved here, and they weren't in their previous schools.

So I guess the reason that I'm still here is a combo of fear of not having kids full time, fear of handing them over to husband to parent solo for any period of time, and finances. Once the kids are grown and independent, I plan to divorce. Once it's just myself then I can live in a small, inexpensive place in a bad school district. Not all of us are staying for the expensive wardrobe or lavish vacations. I don't have that now.

I'm trying my best to make it a pleasant environment for the kids. Still, I know it's not a great environment and I'm trying to figure out the least of the evils here. Just one perspective here. Good luck to everyone else trying to find their way.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, PP.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I haven't experienced this, but I can see a world where a marriage starts to fall apart - kids are exhausting, you feel like you're treading water, don't prioritize each other, no date nights or time together. Sex dwindles, then disappears. Stress eating and no time for exercise means getting out of shape. You stop confiding in each other, you're just logistical partners. One is sloppy or doesn't pull his or her weight, the other gets a bit resentful, but who has time to deal with it? You're just getting through the day. One or the other spouse loses his or her job, money troubles, gets depressed.

Then, right at the right moment, one spouse finds a connection with someone else. A colleague, a neighbor, doesn't matter. It's new, it's exciting, they feel seen as an adult sexual being for the first time in a while. Laughter and fun instead of stress and logistics. One thing leads to another, and they end up in bed together. Once, a week, even a month.

BUT this serves as a wake up call! Either he or she gets caught, or they confess (although I think their chances are better if they confess). And both partners realize their marriage hasn't been healthy for a long time - the affair is really just a symptom. Depressed spouse goes to therapy. They start prioritizing date nights. Couple's counseling. The kids have gotten a bit older and aren't so labor intensive. The adulterer apologizes and works hard to make amends to his or her spouse. They both realize that they don't want to lose each other. And they are able to come out the other side, stronger and happier together.

As the spouse that had been cheated on in that story, I could see staying. In fact, with the affair as a wake up call, and a new found commitment by both partners to prioritize their marriage, that marriage could easily be much stronger and happier in 10 years than one with the same set of facts but no affair - they could keep slogging through, and find themselves as empty nesters with no connection and no affection anymore.

The big things here for this to have a happy ending would be 1) cheater is truly remorseful and willing to change 2) the cheatee recognizes that there were real underlying issues in the marriage that he or she contributed to 3) both people love each other and 4) they're both willing to work on and prioritize their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will provide a perspective from a friend that shed a whole new light on this for me.

She met her husband when they were in their mid twenties. Happily married into their mid forties. He suddenly starts serially cheating on her. Her friends find his tinder profile. He in fact starts dating another woman and moves to another city.

She is heartbroken and devastated but also confused. As, they did have a good relationship and were best friends. She does not react. He comes back and asks to go to therapy. they learn they he has severe emotional and self esteem issues from his impoverished childhood. Furthermore, as her career took off and she became more professionally recognized, he felt insecure and that she did not love him. So he self-sabotaged with the fear of losing her.

After a year of therapy. They are back together. He never loved anyone else. He is grateful and happy and cannot believe she loves him that much. She is hurt but happy to have her best friend back.

Cheating is not about the spouse being cheated on or even the relationship. Its a maladjusted person's way of crying out.

Always seems like men are given excuses- adhd, bad childhood, insecurities, etc. a woman who cheats is just evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has different dealbreakers. For me, a ONS wouldn't be a dealbreaker. If he fell in love with someone, that would be pretty devastating and I don't feel like there's any coming back from that. Or if he ran up a credit card bill behind my back. Mess with my credit / financial stability at your own risk.

Otherwise, PP already listed a long list of reasons to keep the family together. I know plenty of wonderful divorced/blended families, happy families, and it is still VERY hard on everyone.

This is the key for me, too. I wouldn’t be happy about a ONS but I wouldn’t consider it a dealbreaker if it wasn’t a pattern. But for me personally, knowing that my spouse had a loving, emotional connection with someone else while stringing me along would be unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't care that much if the cheating is just sex. They aren't that bothered by their spouse having sex with another person. So they can move past it.

If the cheating involved an emotional connection and a relationship - that is much harder to move past for some people because it wasn't just about sex - they were in a relationship with someone else.

Everyone has different lines about what is too much. It seems that for some it is the lying and betrayal that is the deal breaker - not the sex with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will provide a perspective from a friend that shed a whole new light on this for me.

She met her husband when they were in their mid twenties. Happily married into their mid forties. He suddenly starts serially cheating on her. Her friends find his tinder profile. He in fact starts dating another woman and moves to another city.

She is heartbroken and devastated but also confused. As, they did have a good relationship and were best friends. She does not react. He comes back and asks to go to therapy. they learn they he has severe emotional and self esteem issues from his impoverished childhood. Furthermore, as her career took off and she became more professionally recognized, he felt insecure and that she did not love him. So he self-sabotaged with the fear of losing her.

After a year of therapy. They are back together. He never loved anyone else. He is grateful and happy and cannot believe she loves him that much. She is hurt but happy to have her best friend back.

Cheating is not about the spouse being cheated on or even the relationship. Its a maladjusted person's way of crying out.

Always seems like men are given excuses- adhd, bad childhood, insecurities, etc. a woman who cheats is just evil.

yep. I hear so many excuses for why men cheat. Of course, women are sluts if they cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't experienced this, but I can see a world where a marriage starts to fall apart - kids are exhausting, you feel like you're treading water, don't prioritize each other, no date nights or time together. Sex dwindles, then disappears. Stress eating and no time for exercise means getting out of shape. You stop confiding in each other, you're just logistical partners. One is sloppy or doesn't pull his or her weight, the other gets a bit resentful, but who has time to deal with it? You're just getting through the day. One or the other spouse loses his or her job, money troubles, gets depressed.

Then, right at the right moment, one spouse finds a connection with someone else. A colleague, a neighbor, doesn't matter. It's new, it's exciting, they feel seen as an adult sexual being for the first time in a while. Laughter and fun instead of stress and logistics. One thing leads to another, and they end up in bed together. Once, a week, even a month.

BUT this serves as a wake up call! Either he or she gets caught, or they confess (although I think their chances are better if they confess). And both partners realize their marriage hasn't been healthy for a long time - the affair is really just a symptom. Depressed spouse goes to therapy. They start prioritizing date nights. Couple's counseling. The kids have gotten a bit older and aren't so labor intensive. The adulterer apologizes and works hard to make amends to his or her spouse. They both realize that they don't want to lose each other. And they are able to come out the other side, stronger and happier together.

As the spouse that had been cheated on in that story, I could see staying. In fact, with the affair as a wake up call, and a new found commitment by both partners to prioritize their marriage, that marriage could easily be much stronger and happier in 10 years than one with the same set of facts but no affair - they could keep slogging through, and find themselves as empty nesters with no connection and no affection anymore.

The big things here for this to have a happy ending would be 1) cheater is truly remorseful and willing to change 2) the cheatee recognizes that there were real underlying issues in the marriage that he or she contributed to 3) both people love each other and 4) they're both willing to work on and prioritize their marriage.

Yes. But it would not work if cheater was a narcissist. They would do the work, therapy, show great remorse, be a great spouse again...and then in 4, 5, 6 years they start having the same desire and are improved in how not to get caught, miss the excitement..and DING, DING,DING...Round 2. This happens more than not. Many cheaters only change temporarily, a few years, etc. Just when the spouse is recovering from the first betrayal, they start doing it again. The betrayed spouse then feels like a complete sucker and idiot and even worse for sticking around the first time. By Round 2, hopefully they learned he/she is never going to change. The percentage that truly do is very small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people don't care that much if the cheating is just sex. They aren't that bothered by their spouse having sex with another person. So they can move past it.

If the cheating involved an emotional connection and a relationship - that is much harder to move past for some people because it wasn't just about sex - they were in a relationship with someone else.

Everyone has different lines about what is too much. It seems that for some it is the lying and betrayal that is the deal breaker - not the sex with someone else.

Deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t we all know a woman who “loves a project.” They find deeply flawed men and envision themselves the one that will “fix” him and this earn his undying and ever faithful love....

It’s literally the plot line of half of romantic comedies.

Men cheat, they get caught, they apologize, women get to play the martyr and earn praise for their steadfastness, blah blah blah.

Stand by your man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t we all know a woman who “loves a project.” They find deeply flawed men and envision themselves the one that will “fix” him and this earn his undying and ever faithful love....

It’s literally the plot line of half of romantic comedies. M


Men cheat, they get caught, they apologize, women get to play the martyr and earn praise for their steadfastness, blah blah blah.

Hand raised. I perfected the image of the misunderstood bad boy who if only the right woman found him would become the wonderful man she knew he could be. You would be surprised at the attractiveness factor of women who found that appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no one size fits all solution. It really depends on the people involved and the situation.

Dh has been a great partner for the past 20+ years. If he had a mid life crisis and cheated. But, he was remorseful and clearly willing to do what it takes to stay in the marriage, then infidelity would be forgivable.

With that being said, if dh had been a bad partner for 20 years, then I wouldn't stay. In that case, infidelity is really the straw that broke the camel's back.

There are absolutely worst things than sexual infidelity like abuse, addiction, and financial infidelity. If dh ever raised a hand to me, was an addict, or did something irresponsible with our money/hid finances from me, I would walk away in a heartbeat. These things have a much more direct and harmful impact on my quality of life.

Totally agree with all of this. My DH is a pretty great husband and father. If he cheated once, I would probably stay because we make a good team, I like our intact family and life and wouldn't want our kids to go through a divorce at their ages.

[Anonymous]

I only know of one marriage where the spouse stayed and he outright said it was for financial reasons and because of the kids. He would be starting over late forties and couldn't be bothered blowing up his life.

Their marriage doesn't sound very warm or nice. I think it's really now a marriage of convenience. They now seem to lead very separate lives and he has gone of a few holidays either by himself or just with the kids.

I get the impression from comments that he makes that he will have a fling himself when he gets the opportunity. Whether they get their groove back or not is yet to be seen but he seems to be enjoying seeing the kids grow up and seems to be able to put the wife to the side a bit.