Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone sees sexual fidelity as the gravest sin. There are worse things my spouse can do.

And why should I have to give up half time with kids, and every other holiday?

This is what it comes down to.

I can wait until my kids are out if the house to date and move in with my life. It would take a lot more than cheating to make me give up half my time with my children. Plus, at least my kids wouldn’t have to deal with their dad’s affair and the possibility of a horrible stepmom half the time.

Judge all you want, but I could easily wait a decade for a divorce if it meant my kids could have a nice childhood. That in itself would bring me a lot more joy than immediate dating opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will provide a perspective from a friend that shed a whole new light on this for me.

She met her husband when they were in their mid twenties. Happily married into their mid forties. He suddenly starts serially cheating on her. Her friends find his tinder profile. He in fact starts dating another woman and moves to another city.

She is heartbroken and devastated but also confused. As, they did have a good relationship and were best friends. She does not react. He comes back and asks to go to therapy. they learn they he has severe emotional and self esteem issues from his impoverished childhood. Furthermore, as her career took off and she became more professionally recognized, he felt insecure and that she did not love him. So he self-sabotaged with the fear of losing her.

After a year of therapy. They are back together. He never loved anyone else. He is grateful and happy and cannot believe she loves him that much. She is hurt but happy to have her best friend back.

Cheating is not about the spouse being cheated on or even the relationship. Its a maladjusted person's way of crying out.

LOL ok. This relationship is totally normal and healthy.

Honestly, it sounds like he’s really smooth, and she wanted to believe his BS.

Yeah, I'm really open minded, live and let live, cheating doesn't have to mean the end - but this sounds like a load of horse poop

[Anonymous]

Depression-induced paralysis. No energy or will to change anything or make life even more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depression-induced paralysis. No energy or will to change anything or make life even more difficult.

+100

[Anonymous]

There's no one size fits all solution. It really depends on the people involved and the situation.

Dh has been a great partner for the past 20+ years. If he had a mid life crisis and cheated. But, he was remorseful and clearly willing to do what it takes to stay in the marriage, then infidelity would be forgivable.

With that being said, if dh had been a bad partner for 20 years, then I wouldn't stay. In that case, infidelity is really the straw that broke the camel's back.

There are absolutely worst things than sexual infidelity like abuse, addiction, and financial infidelity. If dh ever raised a hand to me, was an addict, or did something irresponsible with our money/hid finances from me, I would walk away in a heartbeat. These things have a much more direct and harmful impact on my quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't want my children to be children of divorce.

Ended up divorced anyway. My advice, if he cheats, leave immediately.

+1. I was willing to do a lot for the ‘family’. BUT it takes two and odds are against it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no one size fits all solution. It really depends on the people involved and the situation.

Dh has been a great partner for the past 20+ years. If he had a mid life crisis and cheated. But, he was remorseful and clearly willing to do what it takes to stay in the marriage, then infidelity would be forgivable.

With that being said, if dh had been a bad partner for 20 years, then I wouldn't stay. In that case, infidelity is really the straw that broke the camel's back.

There are absolutely worst things than sexual infidelity like abuse, addiction, and financial infidelity. If dh ever raised a hand to me, was an addict, or did something irresponsible with our money/hid finances from me, I would walk away in a heartbeat. These things have a much more direct and harmful impact on my quality of life.

Did he never spend any $ on the affair partner? Hotels, gifts, meals, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no one size fits all solution. It really depends on the people involved and the situation.

Dh has been a great partner for the past 20+ years. If he had a mid life crisis and cheated. But, he was remorseful and clearly willing to do what it takes to stay in the marriage, then infidelity would be forgivable.

With that being said, if dh had been a bad partner for 20 years, then I wouldn't stay. In that case, infidelity is really the straw that broke the camel's back.

There are absolutely worst things than sexual infidelity like abuse, addiction, and financial infidelity. If dh ever raised a hand to me, was an addict, or did something irresponsible with our money/hid finances from me, I would walk away in a heartbeat. These things have a much more direct and harmful impact on my quality of life.

Did he never spend any $ on the affair partner? Hotels, gifts, meals, etc.?

This was a hypothetical scenario. But I was thinking of an addict (drugs, gambling, etc) who spent the family money on their habit. Or someone invests most of their joint savings without telling their partner and loses it.

I guess it is possible to spend that much money on an affair partner. But since most cheaters are actively trying to hide their affairs, it is unlikely they will spending that much money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression-induced paralysis. No energy or will to change anything or make life even more difficult.

+100

+1000 😟

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, it boils down to two things.

A.) Insecurity/Low self-esteem ~ No individual that has genuine self-love would ever remain committed to someone who had demonstrated their disloyalty to their relationship.

Anyone who remains attached to someone who would have the mind-set to betray them in such a manner definitely needs to learn to love themselves completely.

[Anonymous]

(Cont.)

B.) Fear.
Fear of being alone.
Period.

People who remain w/someone who cheated on them remain in the relationship due to a deep-rooted fear of walking into the sunset w/no one to hold their hand.

[Anonymous]

Another vote here that infidelity isn't that high on my list of evils my spouse could visit on me. Addiction, financial irresponsibility, physical abuse, disrespect are all far worse. Having sex with someone else is not an earth shattering reflection of my worth or attractiveness and I'll be damned if I am going to split up the kids homes and destroy financial security for a one off. It's ok if you feel different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no one size fits all solution. It really depends on the people involved and the situation.

Dh has been a great partner for the past 20+ years. If he had a mid life crisis and cheated. But, he was remorseful and clearly willing to do what it takes to stay in the marriage, then infidelity would be forgivable.

With that being said, if dh had been a bad partner for 20 years, then I wouldn't stay. In that case, infidelity is really the straw that broke the camel's back.

There are absolutely worst things than sexual infidelity like abuse, addiction, and financial infidelity. If dh ever raised a hand to me, was an addict, or did something irresponsible with our money/hid finances from me, I would walk away in a heartbeat. These things have a much more direct and harmful impact on my quality of life.

Would it matter if it was a 2 or 3 year affair vs just a fling with a stranger on a work trip?

I think the how, why, what, length of time, etc. matters greatly personally so my decisions would be different depending on the type of transgression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote here that infidelity isn't that high on my list of evils my spouse could visit on me. Addiction, financial irresponsibility, physical abuse, disrespect are all far worse. Having sex with someone else is not an earth shattering reflection of my worth or attractiveness and I'll be damned if I am going to split up the kids homes and destroy financial security for a one off. It's ok if you feel different

I just posted to the other person.

What if it’s not a “one-off”? What if it was 6 months? 1 year? 2-3 years?

What if you wrote off the one-night stand and then a year later you found out he did it again?

[Anonymous]

A lot of times if it’s a long-term marriage the cheater had done a psychological number on the betrayed and they are not the same fearless strong person they were when they were married. Years of put downs or criticisms or at times verbal abuse can turn a strong person into a depressed one or turn on their self-worth.