Annoying Girl Scout Family--what to do?

[Anonymous]

I have been leading my daughter's Girl Scout troop since she was in kindergarten. We've had our ups and downs with various situations in the group but we have come to gel really well as a troop including with almost all of the families. And then there's "Suzie"

Suzie's parents went through a divorce when she was a first grader. It was very chaotic with accusations of assault and alcoholism and God knows what else. During this time they didn't show up to meetings, they didn't respond to anything, and then they'd come out of the woodwork and wonder why nobody told Suzie about the cookie booth or horseback riding, etc. Once the divorce was settled a couple of years later the mom apologized to me for being so flighty saying it was all because of the divorce, etc. She volunteered to come on an overnight trip as a chaperone which I was excited about but she proceeded to get very very drunk and sneak her dog into the hotel.

I should also point out that Suzie is a wreck. She cries at every meeting if she doesn't get her way. She literally cried because I gave her a yellow cup instead of blue (she's 11 years old). She will deliberately hurt herself and then cry hysterically for attention. At least half the meetings I have to call her parents to come get her because she's hurt or sick. They rarely answer so she sits out most of the meeting.

Fast forward a couple more years, the girls are about to go into middle school and are trying to decide if they want to disband the troop. We have decided to spend down all of our savings on a big trip this year and I've sent at least 5 emails about it. One for availability (no reply from this family), one for choice of location and activities (no reply), one confirming date and choice of location (no reply), and one with all of the details of the trip and asking for volunteer chaperones (no reply). I have emailed the family directly TWICE asking them to respond. Nothing.

At this point I have to book a few of the activities before they fill up. I also cannot have this child attend the overnight trip (3 nights) without her mother because I cannot handle the shennanigans. But the mother got so drunk the last time and snuck in the dog. And if I don't book soon I will not be able to get the girls into all of the activities I have planned for them.

So do I go to the council about this? Or should I just give them a deadline (like a week or two from now?) and say if I don't hear from them that Suzie cannot attend? I want to remove her from the troop. I know they say the difficult girls need scouts the most but this kid takes more than half my energy and I don't even think she likes it. HELP.

[Anonymous]

I think you have been more than generous. Since no one has responded, I would already assume Suzie is a no go, and move on without her.

[Anonymous]

I was expecting a different type of post based on the subject line. This goes beyond just being "annoying" and doesn't sound like the family is invested in scouts and it sounds like "Suzie" has issues that need helping beyond what yourself and the troop can provide in addition to it appearing as if she doesn't get much/anything out of it (she doesn't show up and when she does, she has to sit out of meetings etc.). Based on the previous overnight trip results and what's happening currently I would move forward booking everything without this family involved and email them for the last time letting them know that they have been removed from the trip. You can't have a parent who drinks at a GS overnight and unfortunatley, it doesn't sound like Suzie can attend without her mother.

[Anonymous]

Our troop leader has mentioned many times if a parent involves alcohol in an activity their daughters get kicked out. She drinks herself (not at gs stuff of course) but is hyper paranoid about this.

[Anonymous]

Make plans without her. Book the activities but don't include Suzie. If the mom questions it, just remind her she never responded to the emails you sent.

Don't feel guilty about it either.

[Anonymous]

Our leader will not email a family about the follow up stuff for trips if you dont submit a response that you are attending. Its rude to fill up someone with so many emails about an event they are not even going to. Book it and always post deadlines for response. You can be a bit stricter with her about the deadlines.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you have been more than reasonable reaching out. I would set a firm deadline and reserve with out her. If they do reply, explain the rules about chaperoning and confirm that she will have alternate options for he dog and be sober.

[Anonymous]

She was not the only one who drank on that trip (I did not and I am a pretty regular drinker...but I just follow that rule very strictly for GS trips). A group of moms went and bought wine from the hotel lobby and drank it. Most of the moms didn't have more than a glass but I think Suzie's mom had been drinking her own supply all evening or is a total lightweight.

We did another trip about a year later and I told all of the moms not to drink (Suzie's mom was not on that trip, nor was Suzie). I know at least one other mom snuck in a bottle of wine. Against the rules but as long as nobody is impaired I'm not going to get tooooo upset about it. I will just remind everyone again...

[Anonymous]

Longtime troop leader here.

The many repeated e-mails with zero replies are your answer. Did you give parents a specific deadline by which they had to confirm daughters' participation? And Suzie's parent did not respond by that deadline? Then go ahead right now and book the trip and events without the girl. Don't send future trip or troop communications to her parent.

Keep all those emails you sent, showing that the parent was sent them--they are your "paper" trail if the mom pops out of the woodwork asking for her child to come. "I'm sorry but here are the communications I emailed to all parents on 12/5, 1/10, 1/15...etc. And I never received any replies regarding Suzie so had to assume she was not participating. As I wrote in the 2/10 email copied below, 2/11 was the deadline for confirming girls would attend. The activities are now reserved and we cannot add any more girls." Or whatever calm, professional language works depending on the details.

I truly DO believe GS is a huge help to girls like Suzie and it's incredibly sad that during the divorce she wasn't brought to meetings so GS could be a support and distraction for her. But that is not on you. And the mother's drunkenness while chaperoning on a GS trip (even if that was at night in her hotel room--clearly she was drunk enough it was evident to you) is way beyond the pale.

If the mom urges you to let Suzie come, promises she'll pay extra for Suzir to come, promises to chaperone etc.--don't cave in. Such a sad situation overall for the mom too, but you have the troop as a whole to consider, their safety, their enjoyment of how they spend the troop money, and you gave the mom many, repeated opportunities to respond to the same notifications ALL the parents received.

OP, if you still are unsure about this situation, or just want to talk over how to react if the mom gets emotional/angry/starts complaining you're excluding her child etc.-- Do you have contacts you trust among your GS Service Unit leadership? Maybe someone on the SU can help you prepare your response in case the mom takes her failure to communicate out on you.

[Anonymous]

You have to do your best to exclude this family, as horrible as it sounds. But while you do this, please tell the mother or the father that their child needs professional help because of her behaviors that are not within the norm.

I know a mother like that, BTW, and believe she's seriously mentally ill. She was my PTA colleague and I had to complain to the President to get her removed. Thank goodness her daughter seems to be doing better than the child you are caring for in Scouts.

[Anonymous]

Another GS leader here. I opened this expecting to give you a lecture (nicely) about inclusiveness and cutting people some slack. But you have already gone way above and beyond. I would go ahead and book without her (or first give a deadline that says you need to know by X date). I would also say that given Suzie's past health issues, you would need her parent to accompany as a chaperone. And that, given what happened on the X trip, you would need a firm commitment that chaperone will not consume any alcohol or consume any non-prescription drugs during the trip.
Poor kid. I also wonder about telling the school counselor about your concerns about the kid (if your school has a good counselor). She obviously need more support than she is getting at home.

[Anonymous]

As an aside, who are these women sneaking wine into an event where they are chaperoning children? I am as much as of a social drinker as anyone, but I just cannot imagine doing this, especially after I've been told "no booze". OP, I feel for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have been more than generous. Since no one has responded, I would already assume Suzie is a no go, and move on without her.

+1 Or, if you want one last email to say please let me know by tonight (it needs to be a close in deadline rather than far off) and if no reply just move on with your plans with out her.

[Anonymous]

The very first GS event we had (a simple overnight at a hotel with a pool), I honestly didn't know the rules and neither did anyone else and we all brought wine. But again, we didn't over consume it. Like 2 glasses over the entire course of the evening. Then I ended up doing the camping training and indoor/outdoor overnight training and I found out it was against the rules but I think these moms like each other so much it feels like a social opportunity to them as well. So the two other trips we've taken they drank (I did not) but only Suzie's mom was out of control. I will continue to remind them not to drink on GS trips but I'm honestly not going to go crazy enforcing it if nobody is driving and I can't tell they've been drinking. It's weird though because at our school's overnight camp there's a no drinking rule and as far as I can tell nobody breaks that one.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I feel very sorry for Suzie. I should also mention that she steals. She shoplifts and takes things she wants from other kids. So that's another thing. I actually did talk to her teacher a couple of years ago to confirm that she was getting some kind of counseling which she was at the time. The parents seem completely clueless as to how abnormal this behavior is. It's tragic because I have watched her become this broken creature over these years. She was such a happy and creative little kindergartener and whatever has happened at home has just destoryed her.

I am going to send a final email to them with a deadline of Friday to respond and then will move on the trip without her. I do think I'll reach out to council and let them know about the situation (minus the wine! haha)