Divorce question - what is fair?

[Anonymous]

We are on the verge of a divorce.

My husband spent about 8 out of 12 months in a war zone tour last year, earning much more money than usual. During that period of time, his employer also provided an allowance to be used toward things like child care, which we used to hire an au pair while I continued working. Because of his higher pay, we were able to pay off a TSP loan he had taken to buy our house, as well as put away an additional 50k in savings. We don’t have any other debts other than our mortgage.

My husband, though initially he did not want to divorce at all (he’d rather live miserably in perpetuity, or at least until the kids are launched, than divide up accounts, etc) now wants to back-date our separation to when he left for his tour and whatever extra there is now would go to him. As much as I am eager to be free of him, it is arguable that our separation date could be as late as July 2019 because at that point, we were vacationing together as a family (And other things I’d rather not list here but are indicators that we were not fully separated at that point) his tour officially ended in July but he had spent the last 2 months stateside.

He basically wants to separate our finances and divorce now but still live in the same house for another year and a half until he goes out for another tour. For several reasons, I think this will be horrible, but I admit that I will be better positioned to obtain better housing for the kids on my own in a year and a half.

He does not want to pay lawyers and go to court about this, but the way he talks makes me think mediation is not going to go well. My question is about what is fair? I work but I stayed home when the kids were little and I don’t make as much as he does. Also, I don’t believe all of our financial gains during the Time period I question were due to him. Our retirement accounts and home equity has increased partially due to forces outside of our control. And I was working too! Also, he says he wants the kids 50 percent of the time but moans and groans whenever he is responsible for them. I literally cannot be out for one night (making arrangements for kids to be left with him, my parent, or friends) without him telling me how irresponsible of a parent I am.

[Anonymous]

What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

[Anonymous]

I would not backdate the date of separation. What benefit would that be to you? As for the rest, there are schedules and calculators regarding the amounts. Split assets and debts 50-50, child support goes by income and time taking care of child. The good news is you will not longer have to hear him moan and groan about you at all! If he wants 50% he's likely to get it; and if he doesn't want that, the support calculators will show how that impacts the amount of support.

[Anonymous]

Is he military or doing it by choice? If he's military its not like he had a choice to go and you are benefitting from the extra pay so stop complaining.

Split everything in half after all the bills are paid off of any assets acquired after marriage prior to divorce. See the house, split it equally and both of you get different housing.

You not working when the kids were young has nothing to do with anything at this point. You are working and have income. You are working at your income potential and if you can go higher, change jobs.

I don't get why you feel entitled to more than 50/50. You get 50% and child support based off the formula/calculator. Done. If you want to keep the house, you buy out his half. If he wants to keep the house, he buys you out.

[Anonymous]

You don't have a date of separation yet, as you have not separated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

He wants to backdate the separation date to exclude her from the recent higher HHI. That's not fair. He also wants to divorce but keep her in the house where she will do all the childcare (gets called a bad parent when she leaves them with him). So he wants to get the financial benefit of divorcing, and lying about the date of separation, with no intention of watching his kids half the time until he leaves for another tour when it will be 100% on her, again.

Nowhere in her post did she mention wanting more than 50% or the word alimony. You're projecting baggage that isn't there, and misreading the OP to do so.

[Anonymous]

Do not backdate the separation. It needs to be documented and a lawyer/mediator can provide you on specifics on what constitutes a date of separation.

It is fair to split everything 50/50. It sounds like you want the divorce and you don’t, so you are going to need to figure out how to support yourself accordingly. It sounds like his job absolutely enabled you to be in a good financial situation, but that was a sacrifice and decision you made together as a family so no one should be “screwed” or profiting from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

He wants to backdate the separation date to exclude her from the recent higher HHI. That's not fair. He also wants to divorce but keep her in the house where she will do all the childcare (gets called a bad parent when she leaves them with him). So he wants to get the financial benefit of divorcing, and lying about the date of separation, with no intention of watching his kids half the time until he leaves for another tour when it will be 100% on her, again.

Nowhere in her post did she mention wanting more than 50% or the word alimony. You're projecting baggage that isn't there, and misreading the OP to do so.

No, you are making up all sorts of things that weren’t in the original post.

[Anonymous]

You can’t do this without a lawyer. I’m familiar with war zone money, so it can be a tricky thing - it’s more like a bonus and not long term increase in income, so future support does need to be based on his actual/current income going forward. If you push to have payments made on last year’s money, he can just go back to court the have adjustment made on his new lower income.

I would focus on getting an assurance that when he goes to his next hardship post you get increased support to make up for hiring additional help when he can’t do his share of the custody.

But here’s the practical thing. If you are willing to,live under the same roof until his next deployment (it’s not clear if you were opposed to that) I wouldnt get divorced until after that deployment so that he gets the separation allowance (presuming next post is another hardship/no dependents post). If it is a family post, then yes, divorce now and you get the 50/50 split with one party buying out the other on the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

He wants to backdate the separation date to exclude her from the recent higher HHI. That's not fair. He also wants to divorce but keep her in the house where she will do all the childcare (gets called a bad parent when she leaves them with him). So he wants to get the financial benefit of divorcing, and lying about the date of separation, with no intention of watching his kids half the time until he leaves for another tour when it will be 100% on her, again.

Nowhere in her post did she mention wanting more than 50% or the word alimony. You're projecting baggage that isn't there, and misreading the OP to do so.

None of that matters. They split everything 50/50 and child support goes off current income not past. He wants to back date it as some states have a 6-12 month or longer separation period so he doesn't want to drag it out, which makes sense. I would not lie about the date of separation and that can back fire on him, especially if he has a clearance.

She needs to propose 50/50 in assets post marriage, one person buy out the house at the current price or sell the house and child support based off income and 50 percent time share with a clause that if he moves away child support will be readjusted based off time share/new higher deployment income especially to help with child care.

He wants to stay in the house as he's leaving in 1.5 years again for a few years so it financially it does make sense but I would not agree.

[Anonymous]

He’s not being fair. 50/50. That’s marriage.

[Anonymous]

You can't just "back date" the separation.

You will be required to swear under oath that you have lived "separate and apart" for 12 mos. (that means no sex).

If you are making plans to lie about that, you are comtemplating perjury.

You CAN live separate and apart in the same house if you cannot afford separate dwellings and you do your own cooking and chores.... basically one person lives in the basement and you have separate lives.

You are right to be concerned about the parenting and the 50/50 custody. So many times the dad wants 50/50 so he can avoid paying child support. From what you have described, he hasn't been parenting much and doesn't have the desire to. Mostly has the desire not to pay child support. Those are two different things. I'd be very careful about agreeing to 50/50 custody. You didn't say how old your kids are, but younger kids need a more patient parents -- not saying he would abuse them -- but it happens when people who aren't equipped to parent kids full time don't understand the correct expectations for younger kids. And military folks are more likely to have "do it b/c I say so" parenting skills. It can be a recipe for disaster. Better to have shorter visits and see how he manages.

[Anonymous]

Backdating the agreement sounds complicated. I mean, in addition to trying to figure out how to split up the assets from a point in time in the past you would also have to back calculate child support or somehow offset it against monies he did or didn't pay to you. That sounds too complicated.

Re: staying in the same house if you can make it work then obviously it is financially better for both of you to do so (1 house is less expensive than 2 houses). Also, the health insurance it's probably cheaper for one family plan than one family plan and one individual plan.

Just have to make sure all the angles are covered like who pays what portion of the mortgage and repair expenses, groceries, etc. If you are both reasonable this could be done, just depends on whether you guys can negotiate amicably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't just "back date" the separation.

You will be required to swear under oath that you have lived "separate and apart" for 12 mos. (that means no sex).

If you are making plans to lie about that, you are comtemplating perjury.

You CAN live separate and apart in the same house if you cannot afford separate dwellings and you do your own cooking and chores.... basically one person lives in the basement and you have separate lives.

You are right to be concerned about the parenting and the 50/50 custody. So many times the dad wants 50/50 so he can avoid paying child support. From what you have described, he hasn't been parenting much and doesn't have the desire to. Mostly has the desire not to pay child support. Those are two different things. I'd be very careful about agreeing to 50/50 custody. You didn't say how old your kids are, but younger kids need a more patient parents -- not saying he would abuse them -- but it happens when people who aren't equipped to parent kids full time don't understand the correct expectations for younger kids. And military folks are more likely to have "do it b/c I say so" parenting skills. It can be a recipe for disaster. Better to have shorter visits and see how he manages.

A lot of women only want the absolute in visitation so they get more child support. It goes both ways. Most military folks don't have that way as a parenting skill. We are military. Moms can abuse kids just a much as Dad's. You sound like you are trying to screw over Dad.