Divorce question - what is fair?

[Anonymous]

You need a lawyer. You situation is more complicated that the typical divorce because the hazard pay and expected future tours (he won’t be around to take his 50% custody, so you’ll have to work out an increase in child support and/or an alternative plan for who the children would stay with during his time, such as his parents). There are too many ins and outs that you’re not likely to think of now but an experienced family law attorney will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't just "back date" the separation.

You will be required to swear under oath that you have lived "separate and apart" for 12 mos. (that means no sex).

If you are making plans to lie about that, you are comtemplating perjury.

You CAN live separate and apart in the same house if you cannot afford separate dwellings and you do your own cooking and chores.... basically one person lives in the basement and you have separate lives.

You are right to be concerned about the parenting and the 50/50 custody. So many times the dad wants 50/50 so he can avoid paying child support. From what you have described, he hasn't been parenting much and doesn't have the desire to. Mostly has the desire not to pay child support. Those are two different things. I'd be very careful about agreeing to 50/50 custody. You didn't say how old your kids are, but younger kids need a more patient parents -- not saying he would abuse them -- but it happens when people who aren't equipped to parent kids full time don't understand the correct expectations for younger kids. And military folks are more likely to have "do it b/c I say so" parenting skills. It can be a recipe for disaster. Better to have shorter visits and see how he manages.

FWIW I think a lot of people do and honestly the courts don't have the resources or the inclination to investigate it. Doesn't make it right, but I think it happens more often than you think just so people can expedite the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer. You situation is more complicated that the typical divorce because the hazard pay and expected future tours (he won’t be around to take his 50% custody, so you’ll have to work out an increase in child support and/or an alternative plan for who the children would stay with during his time, such as his parents). There are too many ins and outs that you’re not likely to think of now but an experienced family law attorney will.

I agree with getting a consult or advice and counsel from an attorney. You can probably save some money if you work out the details yourselves though once you have an informed checklist of the potential issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer. You situation is more complicated that the typical divorce because the hazard pay and expected future tours (he won’t be around to take his 50% custody, so you’ll have to work out an increase in child support and/or an alternative plan for who the children would stay with during his time, such as his parents). There are too many ins and outs that you’re not likely to think of now but an experienced family law attorney will.

+1 Especially if they are skilled in military divorces. Did you hit the 10 year mark? It's an important milestone in regards to benefits.

Don't listen to DCUM about what is fair or what your entitlements may be. Get an attorney today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't just "back date" the separation.

You will be required to swear under oath that you have lived "separate and apart" for 12 mos. (that means no sex).

If you are making plans to lie about that, you are comtemplating perjury.

You CAN live separate and apart in the same house if you cannot afford separate dwellings and you do your own cooking and chores.... basically one person lives in the basement and you have separate lives.

You are right to be concerned about the parenting and the 50/50 custody. So many times the dad wants 50/50 so he can avoid paying child support. From what you have described, he hasn't been parenting much and doesn't have the desire to. Mostly has the desire not to pay child support. Those are two different things. I'd be very careful about agreeing to 50/50 custody. You didn't say how old your kids are, but younger kids need a more patient parents -- not saying he would abuse them -- but it happens when people who aren't equipped to parent kids full time don't understand the correct expectations for younger kids. And military folks are more likely to have "do it b/c I say so" parenting skills. It can be a recipe for disaster. Better to have shorter visits and see how he manages.

FWIW I think a lot of people do and honestly the courts don't have the resources or the inclination to investigate it. Doesn't make it right, but I think it happens more often than you think just so people can expedite the divorce.

It does, and you’re right that it often isn’t caught, but if it is, you can be fined and can even have your whole divorce petition tossed so that you have to start the process from day one again.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to quietly get a lawyer. All I'm hearing is, "he want .. he wants ..."

[Anonymous]

What? No way. The only way he was able to get that extra money was because you were able to stay home and care for the kids. No back-dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

He wants to backdate the separation date to exclude her from the recent higher HHI. That's not fair. He also wants to divorce but keep her in the house where she will do all the childcare (gets called a bad parent when she leaves them with him). So he wants to get the financial benefit of divorcing, and lying about the date of separation, with no intention of watching his kids half the time until he leaves for another tour when it will be 100% on her, again.

Nowhere in her post did she mention wanting more than 50% or the word alimony. You're projecting baggage that isn't there, and misreading the OP to do so.

No, you are making up all sorts of things that weren’t in the original post.

No, you have reading comprehension issues. He wants to backdate the separation so she gets less than 50% of the current assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

OP here. Where did I say I want more than 50%?
It might make sense for us to divide in half overall, but not necessarily from each pot. For example, since he is leaving in 18 months for a a three year post, I will be doing most of taking care of the kids over the next few years no matter what. Therefore, it may make more sense (to me) to divide things in such a way that would allow me to purchase a slightly larger more comfortable home for the kids. Maybe that would mean letting him keep more of TSP. That’s just an example I’m throwing out there.

I have been able to return to work and received promotions in the last couple of years, now reached the point where I can support myself financially (I am very low maintenance, but living in DMV so housing costs are high no matter what) and likely won’t get significant, if any, spousal support. Kids are 9 and 12. On my own, without child support, I can afford a 3 bedroom apartment in a so-so school zone and live extremely frugally and kids will be latchkey and won’t be able to afford sports or activities. I’ve been poor before, including during parts of my marriage, and I know it will suck. DH admonishes me that I won’t be able to provide for them well and suggested that I leave, since he claims to be able to afford our current mortgage (3500) and costs on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you need to quietly get a lawyer. All I'm hearing is, "he want .. he wants ..."

No, she wants the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

OP here. Where did I say I want more than 50%?
It might make sense for us to divide in half overall, but not necessarily from each pot. For example, since he is leaving in 18 months for a a three year post, I will be doing most of taking care of the kids over the next few years no matter what. Therefore, it may make more sense (to me) to divide things in such a way that would allow me to purchase a slightly larger more comfortable home for the kids. Maybe that would mean letting him keep more of TSP. That’s just an example I’m throwing out there.

I have been able to return to work and received promotions in the last couple of years, now reached the point where I can support myself financially (I am very low maintenance, but living in DMV so housing costs are high no matter what) and likely won’t get significant, if any, spousal support. Kids are 9 and 12. On my own, without child support, I can afford a 3 bedroom apartment in a so-so school zone and live extremely frugally and kids will be latchkey and won’t be able to afford sports or activities. I’ve been poor before, including during parts of my marriage, and I know it will suck. DH admonishes me that I won’t be able to provide for them well and suggested that I leave, since he claims to be able to afford our current mortgage (3500) and costs on his own.

You do not need a larger home. $3500 is a big ass mortgage, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

OP here. Where did I say I want more than 50%?
It might make sense for us to divide in half overall, but not necessarily from each pot. For example, since he is leaving in 18 months for a a three year post, I will be doing most of taking care of the kids over the next few years no matter what. Therefore, it may make more sense (to me) to divide things in such a way that would allow me to purchase a slightly larger more comfortable home for the kids. Maybe that would mean letting him keep more of TSP. That’s just an example I’m throwing out there.

I have been able to return to work and received promotions in the last couple of years, now reached the point where I can support myself financially (I am very low maintenance, but living in DMV so housing costs are high no matter what) and likely won’t get significant, if any, spousal support. Kids are 9 and 12. On my own, without child support, I can afford a 3 bedroom apartment in a so-so school zone and live extremely frugally and kids will be latchkey and won’t be able to afford sports or activities. I’ve been poor before, including during parts of my marriage, and I know it will suck. DH admonishes me that I won’t be able to provide for them well and suggested that I leave, since he claims to be able to afford our current mortgage (3500) and costs on his own.

You do not need a larger home. $3500 is a big ass mortgage, IMO.

Not a larger home than the $3500 mortgage. Just larger than what I can afford on my salary alone without spousal or child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

OP here. Where did I say I want more than 50%?
It might make sense for us to divide in half overall, but not necessarily from each pot. For example, since he is leaving in 18 months for a a three year post, I will be doing most of taking care of the kids over the next few years no matter what. Therefore, it may make more sense (to me) to divide things in such a way that would allow me to purchase a slightly larger more comfortable home for the kids. Maybe that would mean letting him keep more of TSP. That’s just an example I’m throwing out there.

I have been able to return to work and received promotions in the last couple of years, now reached the point where I can support myself financially (I am very low maintenance, but living in DMV so housing costs are high no matter what) and likely won’t get significant, if any, spousal support. Kids are 9 and 12. On my own, without child support, I can afford a 3 bedroom apartment in a so-so school zone and live extremely frugally and kids will be latchkey and won’t be able to afford sports or activities. I’ve been poor before, including during parts of my marriage, and I know it will suck. DH admonishes me that I won’t be able to provide for them well and suggested that I leave, since he claims to be able to afford our current mortgage (3500) and costs on his own.

Wait, is he suggesting you leave and the kids stay with him? If so, absolutely do not do that, and get military divorce lawyer immediately. You need to act fast to protect yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

OP here. Where did I say I want more than 50%?
It might make sense for us to divide in half overall, but not necessarily from each pot. For example, since he is leaving in 18 months for a a three year post, I will be doing most of taking care of the kids over the next few years no matter what. Therefore, it may make more sense (to me) to divide things in such a way that would allow me to purchase a slightly larger more comfortable home for the kids. Maybe that would mean letting him keep more of TSP. That’s just an example I’m throwing out there.

I have been able to return to work and received promotions in the last couple of years, now reached the point where I can support myself financially (I am very low maintenance, but living in DMV so housing costs are high no matter what) and likely won’t get significant, if any, spousal support. Kids are 9 and 12. On my own, without child support, I can afford a 3 bedroom apartment in a so-so school zone and live extremely frugally and kids will be latchkey and won’t be able to afford sports or activities. I’ve been poor before, including during parts of my marriage, and I know it will suck. DH admonishes me that I won’t be able to provide for them well and suggested that I leave, since he claims to be able to afford our current mortgage (3500) and costs on his own.

You do not need a larger home. $3500 is a big ass mortgage, IMO.

Not a larger home than the $3500 mortgage. Just larger than what I can afford on my salary alone without spousal or child support.

That is a foolish idea and why so many women end up in bad financial shape post divorce. You should not count on spousal or child support as a means to secure more than you can afford. If your ex doesn’t pay his support or pays infrequently, what will you do if you needed that money in order to live? There is post after post on this site from women having trouble enforcing support orders from their exes. Hopefully eventually you always receive your money, but what happens in the months/years it takes to get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he's proposing is not fair - it's meant to financially punish you for wanting to divorce. Get a lawyer and do everything by the book.

How is he screwing her? She wants more than 50%. They split everything equally including selling or buying out the other person with the house and done. He gets 50% time share when he's in the US or where ever he lives and pays child support if he makes more and when he's not in the country its adjusted for the time share change with Mom having more. She makes it sound like she wants child support and alimony despite she is working so she doesn't need alimony and more than 1/2 the assets especially the house.

OP here. Where did I say I want more than 50%?
It might make sense for us to divide in half overall, but not necessarily from each pot. For example, since he is leaving in 18 months for a a three year post, I will be doing most of taking care of the kids over the next few years no matter what. Therefore, it may make more sense (to me) to divide things in such a way that would allow me to purchase a slightly larger more comfortable home for the kids. Maybe that would mean letting him keep more of TSP. That’s just an example I’m throwing out there.

I have been able to return to work and received promotions in the last couple of years, now reached the point where I can support myself financially (I am very low maintenance, but living in DMV so housing costs are high no matter what) and likely won’t get significant, if any, spousal support. Kids are 9 and 12. On my own, without child support, I can afford a 3 bedroom apartment in a so-so school zone and live extremely frugally and kids will be latchkey and won’t be able to afford sports or activities. I’ve been poor before, including during parts of my marriage, and I know it will suck. DH admonishes me that I won’t be able to provide for them well and suggested that I leave, since he claims to be able to afford our current mortgage (3500) and costs on his own.

You are asking to get more if you are saying you want the house or more money to buy the current house. You have your income and child support. You can move to a different area and a small house and have a $2K a month mortgage like some of us do. You are not extremely frugal living in a $3500 a month house and an aupair. You can agree to leave the house but he needs to buy you out of your half of the house. You can pay sports through child support and your income OR if you do 50/50 he can do then pay 50/50 sports as he has 50/50 custody. The 12 year old can watch the 9 year old after school. You just need child care in the summer.

Or, you continue to live together married and do your own thing.