Divorce question - what is fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you let him buy you out of the house if he can afford it and you move to a small apt you can afford? 100% agree that women tend to put way too much stock into maintaining the housing they can’t afford on their own and giving up more tangible benefits over an emotional attachment.

Because I believe the kids should be with me primarily. DH has no patience for them and is leaving again anyway in 18 months.

Dumping the house has nothing to do with custody. You need to spend some time reading up on women being financially devastated post divorce because they make the dumb decision to try to keep the marital home that they can’t afford post-divorce.

And don’t be so sure he’ll go back overseas in 18mos. If it means you’ll get more money or more custody, he may very well decide that job isn’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What state?

Divorce lawyer here:

What state? - is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do this without a lawyer. I’m familiar with war zone money, so it can be a tricky thing - it’s more like a bonus and not long term increase in income, so future support does need to be based on his actual/current income going forward. If you push to have payments made on last year’s money, he can just go back to court the have adjustment made on his new lower income.

I would focus on getting an assurance that when he goes to his next hardship post you get increased support to make up for hiring additional help when he can’t do his share of the custody.

But here’s the practical thing. If you are willing to,live under the same roof until his next deployment (it’s not clear if you were opposed to that) I wouldnt get divorced until after that deployment so that he gets the separation allowance (presuming next post is another hardship/no dependents post). If it is a family post, then yes, divorce now and you get the 50/50 split with one party buying out the other on the house.

This. Get a lawyer familiar with military pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you let him buy you out of the house if he can afford it and you move to a small apt you can afford? 100% agree that women tend to put way too much stock into maintaining the housing they can’t afford on their own and giving up more tangible benefits over an emotional attachment.

Because I believe the kids should be with me primarily. DH has no patience for them and is leaving again anyway in 18 months.

Dumping the house has nothing to do with custody. You need to spend some time reading up on women being financially devastated post divorce because they make the dumb decision to try to keep the marital home that they can’t afford post-divorce.

And don’t be so sure he’ll go back overseas in 18mos. If it means you’ll get more money or more custody, he may very well decide that job isn’t worth it.

I don’t want to keep the marital home.

[Anonymous]

In Virginia, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't just "back date" the separation.

You will be required to swear under oath that you have lived "separate and apart" for 12 mos. (that means no sex).

If you are making plans to lie about that, you are comtemplating perjury.

You CAN live separate and apart in the same house if you cannot afford separate dwellings and you do your own cooking and chores.... basically one person lives in the basement and you have separate lives.

You are right to be concerned about the parenting and the 50/50 custody. So many times the dad wants 50/50 so he can avoid paying child support. From what you have described, he hasn't been parenting much and doesn't have the desire to. Mostly has the desire not to pay child support. Those are two different things. I'd be very careful about agreeing to 50/50 custody. You didn't say how old your kids are, but younger kids need a more patient parents -- not saying he would abuse them -- but it happens when people who aren't equipped to parent kids full time don't understand the correct expectations for younger kids. And military folks are more likely to have "do it b/c I say so" parenting skills. It can be a recipe for disaster. Better to have shorter visits and see how he manages.

A lot of women only want the absolute in visitation so they get more child support. It goes both ways. Most military folks don't have that way as a parenting skill. We are military. Moms can abuse kids just a much as Dad's. You sound like you are trying to screw over Dad.

I'm military too. I've seen enough abuse cases to know that there can be trouble when a parent who doesn't usually have much parenting responsibilities thinks they can "make" a younger child do X when told. OP was the one who mentioned her concerns about her husband's abilities. The military mindset "yes sir!, no sir!" is not compatible with young kids. It's something to be alert to when thinking about custody.... depending on the ages of the kids.

Wow, you really hate military men. Of course she's going to claim he's a bad dad regardless as she wants to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you let him buy you out of the house if he can afford it and you move to a small apt you can afford? 100% agree that women tend to put way too much stock into maintaining the housing they can’t afford on their own and giving up more tangible benefits over an emotional attachment.

Because I believe the kids should be with me primarily. DH has no patience for them and is leaving again anyway in 18 months.

He isn't spending enough time and probably never gets a chance to parent his way as you are always around. If he has to parent alone he will figure it out and kids need both parents, not just one and a child support check. You are commenting he is leaving but he does it to make the money so you can live above your means.

[Anonymous]

I know these men. He has children in the danger zone. You’ll come to find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Virginia, by the way.

In VA, you will need a third party (not you or him) to corroborate your date of separation. If you’re vacationing together, living together and holding yourselves out to the public as still married, you can’t lie and backdate the date of separation to trick the court. That’s called collusion and is not allowed (which is the reason behind requiring a third party corroborating witness who can confirm the grounds of divorce - the one yr separation).

[Anonymous]

You do not need someone who is an expert in military divorces. The extra pay has already been received so it is now a marital asset. It doesn’t sound like any party will allege it is ongoing so no need to worry about what his income is for the support calculation.

You won’t get extra money because he’s gone a lot. You either have sole or shared physical custody. There are child support guidelines for both scenarios. If he has the kids 2 days a year or anywhere less than 90 days a year, child support will likely be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't get why you feel entitled to more than 50/50.

She's a woman, duh. Are you new here?