Ask me anything: I am a kept woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it may be a Rohrschach test as to what each of us finds most fascinating or pertinent.

What I find most pertinent is how OP is at a crucial time of her life and does not seem to realize how much this could damage herself -- developmentally, emotionally, career-wise, etc. -- if she does not get out of this relationship soon.[/quote]

I'm trying to remember if I fully realized what a pivotal time in my life that was and I really don't think that I did. I think that I thought it would last that way for a lot longer for me than it really did, it seemed that I had all the time in the world....that I had plenty of time to get it together.

That doesn't mean that I shelved my life like the Op is doing. No - I worked, dated, had a place of my own, paid my own bills. Even though money was very tight it was a really good time in my life. That's when I laid the groundwork for all I have today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it may be a Rohrschach test as to what each of us finds most fascinating or pertinent.

What I find most pertinent is how OP is at a crucial time of her life and does not seem to realize how much this could damage herself -- developmentally, emotionally, career-wise, etc. -- if she does not get out of this relationship soon.[/quote]

I'm trying to remember if I fully realized what a pivotal time in my life that was and I really don't think that I did. I think that I thought it would last that way for a lot longer for me than it really did, it seemed that I had all the time in the world....that I had plenty of time to get it together.

That doesn't mean that I shelved my life like the Op is doing. No - I worked, dated, had a place of my own, paid my own bills. Even though money was very tight it was a really good time in my life. That's when I laid the groundwork for all I have today.

Exactly, PP. That is what we all (most of us, that is) did during that time. It really is a formative time. This is why this is what worries me the most about OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

I actually don't find that at all surprising. I don't think that the OP has an obligation to have any feelings at all about her boyfriend's children. A friend of mine had an affair with a younger woman and ultimately ended up leaving his wife for her (they are still together but who knows for how long). The other woman was and still is fairly sentimental about his child with his wife (who was pregnant at the time of the affair - baby was <1yo when he left). I had a lot of feelings about their whole situation, but one of the biggest ones was feeling really really creeped out by the other woman loving the baby. To me, it was a fundamental failure to understand what her place was. That child already has a mom. As a person in a blended family myself, my second husband is 100% respectful of my daughter's relationship with her father. He has never tried to "be her dad" or replace her dad in her life. My friend's OW was not like that at all. The OP of this thread is not sentimental about her boyfriend's children because she is not part of their lives, nor does she wish to be.

As for the degree to which their childhood is fucked up, there you go again with the failure to accept that all situations involve a degree of nuance. As many people have pointed out, if this guy was not cruising Alaska with his mistress, he'd be doing something else. I strongly doubt that that "something else" would be "spending time with his kids". He just doesn't sound like the type, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So.. you're with him for the lifestyle and sex. You don't care that he's sleeping with his wife. You don't even care that he's married. You obviously aren't concerned with how your affair with him may some day affect his children. You aren't in love with him. A pregnancy would simply mean an abortion. An STD = antibiotics.

What if you end up with AIDS?
How would you react to his wife confronting you and telling you to leave her husband alone? You're not in love with him and are quite sure you could support yourself so would you leave him alone?
What would it take for you to leave him?

Jesus Christ. Guys, OP doesn't see this the way you do. Your fixation with AIDS and STDs shows why this would not be a good arrangement for you. I can't get inside anyone's head here, but I suspect you are not going to convince this 24 year old who appears to be satisfied with things that she should actually go slit her wrists in shame.

[Anonymous]

why would the kids be fucked up?

[Anonymous]

I think it good for marriages for the husband to be happy. That is what is good for the kids. So if the husband is happy by stopping by an apartment on the way home to drain his testicles & vent & relax, but then once he gets home he is relaxed and happier, who is the worse?

[Anonymous]

If they find out that their dad is a liar and has been leading a double life, that will "fuck them up." They will hate him for hurting their mother so much, they will have trouble trusting people and relationships. They have also been betrayed by their dad as he is pretending to have this great family life with a wife and kids. Unless he is upfront with them, he is lying to them and doesn't respect them or their relationship. Say all you want about this being about his dissatisfaction with his wife, but it also has to do with his kids. Their dad is a douche bag, that hurts when you find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why would the kids be fucked up?

Because their dad is having a long term extra-marital affair, leading a double life, and devoting his time and money to a deceitful relationship. Is it possible the kids will emerge unscathed from this example of a husband and father? Maybe, but his kids are likely going to have some major relationship issues when they grow up. They will not have an ideal marital relationship to model themselves after. If one or both of the kids is a girl, she will likely enter into unhealthy relationships as a result of her father's influence. Kids are not dumb or ignorant. They will likely full well know about the situation sooner rather than later. They will enter into adolescence deeply ambivalent about committed relationships and marriage. It's simply a sad legacy to pass on to your kids.

As for the reasoning, that if it weren't the OP, it would be someone else, that doesn't really absolve the OP from her complicity in this mess. Sure, there would likely be a different mistress, but that doesn't make the OP less culpable for her role in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why would the kids be fucked up?

Because their dad is having a long term extra-marital affair, leading a double life, and devoting his time and money to a deceitful relationship. Is it possible the kids will emerge unscathed from this example of a husband and father? Maybe, but his kids are likely going to have some major relationship issues when they grow up. They will not have an ideal marital relationship to model themselves after. If one or both of the kids is a girl, she will likely enter into unhealthy relationships as a result of her father's influence. Kids are not dumb or ignorant. They will likely full well know about the situation sooner rather than later. They will enter into adolescence deeply ambivalent about committed relationships and marriage. It's simply a sad legacy to pass on to your kids.

As for the reasoning, that if it weren't the OP, it would be someone else, that doesn't really absolve the OP from her complicity in this mess. Sure, there would likely be a different mistress, but that doesn't make the OP less culpable for her role in this.

I think you have an unrealistic view of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far I think the most interesting thing about this thread is the incredulity that many posters have about the OP and her boyfriend's ability to have genuine feelings for each other.

Y'all have a very romantic, idealized understanding of human affection. I hope that stems from having wonderful marriages, rather than overindulgence in Disney Princess movies.

I do not find it impossible to believe that the OP's boyfriend cares about OP, enjoys spending time with her, and does not mind the transactional part of their relationship. I do not have a hard time believing that there are other aspects to their relationship than sex and money. I also don't find it all that difficult to imagine the OP as being fairly content with her life the way it is right now, or her parents not being very interested in her life, or her not being particularly damaged or having trauma in her past.

People seem to need to believe that anyone who would engage in this sort of behavior is a sociopath who is unable to feel anything for anyone. I just don't think that. I think that it's possible for a man engaged in a multi-year affair to care about his wife, his mistress and his children. I think it's certainly possible for the OP to be fine with her paid-for apartment and her vacations, interested in her boyfriend but not his family, and still understand that showing up to his funeral and making a scene would be cruel to his family and unwilling to engage in that cruelty.

People have a complicated range of emotions. It's not as easy as "sleeps with someone's husband --> never respects anything else ever as long as she lives" or "accepts money for sex --> is automatically a horrible human being with nothing else to offer".

I totally agree with this sentiment. And for those that say boyfriend is just paying for sex and she is a prostitute, I disagree with that as well. Someone said a few pages ago that he is paying for a relationship that is different from the his marriage, not sex. I definitely think this is the case.

OP, I had a friend in a similar situation, her guy had wife, kids and the all that goes with that, he was a high powered record producer, mingled with celebrities and lived in LA. She lived in Atlanta. He put her up in a great apartment, purchased her a new car every year, kept her looking good (and she did look good). He was a big spender. He would take foot the bill for her and her friends. I went to a couple of Superbowl games, NBA All-Star games with her. He kept her in Chanel, Prada, LV, Gucci, Audemars Piguet watches, Cartier jewelry, Hermes bags. She was (still is) gorgeous, she looked the part of the trophy girlfriend to a T. When we would hang out together, both genders would stare at her beauty. She did have a child with him, but mainly because her bio clock started ticking and she wanted a baby (after about 4 years into relationship), and she wanted a hold on him. He found her while she was still in high school (17 years old) and he was maybe 33-35 years old. Before meeting him, all us (her friends) definitely imagined some old, fat, hairy guy just out for sex. But that wasn't it all. He was supremely good looking and so nice. Not overly arrogant, or self confident, but definitely charming. He was a great guy. We would have girl nights and he would just show up--treat us all to dinner and drinks and then whisk her away. Never would have known that he was a liar and a cheat from the outside. He hid it very well. Looking back on it, it all seemed so "Sex and the City" like. We were all young, wild and didn't judge her or him. Actually I think we were all envious. He wanted her to be able to travel with him, so after HS, she didn't go to college, she tried to take classes part-time, but I think she felt different from all the other college folks because she couldn't grasp the need to be college educated (different from you, of course.) cause she thought this guy would last forever. So when things came to an end she only had her beauty and she used that to find another guy. She made sure to make changes with the new guy though. Made sure car was in her name, condo paid for in full, in her name and got the guy to give her enough money to open a small high end shoe boutique. Second guy was married too.

As we got older, we would talk about why she was in these relationships, she explained that's how she thought it was supposed to be. Her mother had done the same thing. Her mother was a "kept woman"/mistress for 35 years, (Mom's guy was a long playing professional football player-worth millions).

It was really weird how she broke up with rich guy #1, she had flown out to meet him in L.A. and got photographed with him at a party. In the photo, she was identified as wife. The actual wife was doing business with someone she had never met and that person Googled her, my friend's picture popped up along with many other pictures of them together. When wife finally met the business associate, the associate was like you don't look anything like your pictures and showed wife the pictures from Google. Wife then became suspicious and started investigating. Found out about my friend and confronted husband. Husband/boyfriend dropped my friend about a month later after 6 years and one child together. Rich guy continued to pay for stuff for about 3 months (like a severence package) and then it was over. Just like that. He wanted nothing more to do with her or child. She was too ashamed to take him to court for child support. She was like "On to the next".

I do think she was envious on me too though, she wanted the husband and family. But as beautiful as she was she didn't know how to be #1. She didn't appear to have self esteem issues but as she aged it was apparent. Now in her 30's, she's still a kept woman.

[Anonymous]

Why is this thread still going on. Do people honestly think that by having this anonymous conversation they can rid the world of cheating and mistresses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.