Wife will not plan....and does not want to deal with the consiquences

[Anonymous]

DW likes to live life where you do not plan for next month until you have planned next weekend. For little things, I kind of get it, but for big things, life does not work this way. We have had huge blowups over vacation planning (DW is a SAHM, so has flexibility; I am more limited). She does not want to talk about vacation planning when it needs to happen for big trips (e.g., popular destinations sell out).

The latest involves something with our kid....a school event about 8 hours from here. I already had a business trip to that area, and I wanted to talk to DW about booking her trip ASAP. As we approached the date, I kept talking to her, but she would no do it. Now, the airfares are 4x what they were several weeks ago, and at a point where she can not afford it. Now, she wants me not to go (I will be in the same city). This is a once in a lifetime event for the the kids in the organization, but we will not see our kid during the thrip. I have suggested she should try to carpool with someone, but she has made no effort.

Well, if she stays home, at least the dog will have company.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP. I feel for you. I really do. But please take a big step back. This is your wife and mother of your kids. You likely fell in love with this aspect of her personality. Lives in the moment etc. you are wishing now that she was different than she is. She isn’t. She never will be. You will never change this aspect of her personality.

So now you have a choice. Do you let this one thing ruin your life together including your kids sense of well being? Because it will. OR do you embrace this aspect of her personality. See the beauty in it and laugh about how different you two are but a perfect match anyway.

And make the reservations yourself. For any important event that takes planning, you are the designated planner. That small shift in responsibility will literally save your marriage. And don’t hold a grudge about it. Just laugh and give her a kiss and embrace your differences and accommodate for them.

I see marriages get derailed all the time over stuff like this when they don’t have to.

[Anonymous]

So have you sat down with her to ask her what’s going on?
“Sally, we knew that this was happening weeks ago. I tried to talk with you about getting a flight booked. But you balked. This happens when we try to plan for a vacation. What’s going on? What’s getting in the way of booking something in advance when we can better afford it? I really want to understand this.”

[Anonymous]

Vacation planning and reservations can be made 24/7. She sucks at this, and you are a coparent/partner at the relationship. Deal with it yourself. I presume she does all the other mental load labor for the family (kids schedules, medical appointments, present shopping, etc) and all the domestic chores. I guess you expected to have a wifey to absolve you from dealing with the mundane boring parts of life, while patting yourself on the back for being the provider.

And if she doesn’t do any of the other stuff, then tell her she needs to get a job to bring in money for all the outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

I hope you are still going to your child’s event. Surely she does not want to deprive your child of having at least one supportive parent there. Don’t let your child down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW likes to live life where you do not plan for next month until you have planned next weekend. For little things, I kind of get it, but for big things, life does not work this way. We have had huge blowups over vacation planning (DW is a SAHM, so has flexibility; I am more limited). She does not want to talk about vacation planning when it needs to happen for big trips (e.g., popular destinations sell out).

The latest involves something with our kid....a school event about 8 hours from here. I already had a business trip to that area, and I wanted to talk to DW about booking her trip ASAP. As we approached the date, I kept talking to her, but she would no do it. Now, the airfares are 4x what they were several weeks ago, and at a point where she can not afford it. Now, she wants me not to go (I will be in the same city). This is a once in a lifetime event for the the kids in the organization, but we will not see our kid during the thrip. I have suggested she should try to carpool with someone, but she has made no effort.

Well, if she stays home, at least the dog will have company.

Wait, why is she telling you not to go to kid’s event if you’re already going to be in that city? I’m confused.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP. I feel for you. I really do. But please take a big step back. This is your wife and mother of your kids. You likely fell in love with this aspect of her personality. Lives in the moment etc. you are wishing now that she was different than she is. She isn’t. She never will be. You will never change this aspect of her personality.

So now you have a choice. Do you let this one thing ruin your life together including your kids sense of well being? Because it will. OR do you embrace this aspect of her personality. See the beauty in it and laugh about how different you two are but a perfect match anyway.

And make the reservations yourself. For any important event that takes planning, you are the designated planner. That small shift in responsibility will literally save your marriage. And don’t hold a grudge about it. Just laugh and give her a kiss and embrace your differences and accommodate for them.

I see marriages get derailed all the time over stuff like this when they don’t have to.

Perfect advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

Depends. If there are children under the age of 5, there is less flexibility. But if all the kids are in school, the SAHM definitely has way more flexibility than someone working outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

Ehh sounds like she’s a housewife instead of a sahm. SAHMs have young kids who aren’t in school.

She sounds depressed. I remember vacation planning being too much when I was depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

It seems like OP is trying to plan. He is bringing ideas, looking up flights. He can’t make reservations, pay deposits, or buy plane tickets for someone else if they won’t discuss the options. This is weird. She needs counseling.

A similar example would be that my husband can and does file our taxes - but I have to provide him paperwork like my w-2 and 1099s. I don’s have to review the outcome and sign it, but my husband asks me to. I suppose he could send them in without my cooperation, but they might be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op I should have added, we have only the one child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP. I feel for you. I really do. But please take a big step back. This is your wife and mother of your kids. You likely fell in love with this aspect of her personality. Lives in the moment etc. you are wishing now that she was different than she is. She isn’t. She never will be. You will never change this aspect of her personality.

So now you have a choice. Do you let this one thing ruin your life together including your kids sense of well being? Because it will. OR do you embrace this aspect of her personality. See the beauty in it and laugh about how different you two are but a perfect match anyway.

And make the reservations yourself. For any important event that takes planning, you are the designated planner. That small shift in responsibility will literally save your marriage. And don’t hold a grudge about it. Just laugh and give her a kiss and embrace your differences and accommodate for them.

I see marriages get derailed all the time over stuff like this when they don’t have to.

turn the tables and you'd be telling the DW to divorce this man child not embrace this aspect of her personality. See the beauty in it. Bunch of bologne. Fail to plan, plan to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I should have added, we have only the one child

Answer why your wife said you couldn’t go to event in the other city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I should have added, we have only the one child

Answer why your wife said you couldn’t go to event in the other city.

She did not think it is fair when she can’t. Really that simple.