Wife will not plan....and does not want to deal with the consiquences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a cultural difference by chance? An economic difference growing up - maybe everything was done for her growing up so she is clueless on logistics (and consequences) and decision making now that she is an adult.

This is definitely the case. She was really surprised when the 600 mile trip would cost 1K at the last minute...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is off with her. Focus in on what that is.

+1. This kind of this thing has probably happened before. Your DW has some kind of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Since this is a long running issue, not just something with this particular instance, if this is an avoidance thing, it's about travel in general, rather than this particular thing, but I doubt that's it. OP, is she bad at organization and managing time in general? There's not enough information here, but between the unwillingness to plan and what sounds like a little bit of impulsivity, that sort of sounds like ADHD to me. My husband (who also has ADHD) both won't plan things like this, gets kind of overwhelmed by the advanced details and gets anxious about nailing down a plan he has to commit to (because then it's a thing he has to plan around). The avoidance has nothing to do with not wanting to do the thing. And, he will sometimes bitch about all the other things he's working through around it--but, again, this is because having an unusual, non-negotiable thing to plan around stresses him out; once we're doing the plans, he's all in.

You're not going to be able to change her--if she won't allow you to just do the planning, I think you're going to have to change the approach. Like, don't assume you're going to be able to get her just spontaneously discuss what to do. Make an advance household appointment to go through the options with her and make decisions and make the purchases/deposits right then and there while she's with you and hold her to the appointment to make the plans. If she refuses, then you might have to tell her that she then loses the right to complain about what plans you make. I mean, it sounds harsh but it's not fair to the rest of the family that her unwillingness to plan makes everyone else suffer. She can use her words like a grownup if she has other issues with the travel.

And, of course, you should go to your child's competition. She's being ridiculous by implying you shouldn't be there.

[Anonymous]

I'm totally Team OP. His wife sounds a lot like my ex (who yes, has ADHD and anxiety). The problem with these situation is not the division of labor - I would have been completely willing (and able) to do 75%+ of that in my relationship, and in fact did so. The problem is dealing with someone who is passive aggressive and so will derail or ruin any plans that you make without their involvement but yet won't participate in the planning. (And then, of course, will deny doing any of this. "Oh, I did want to take that trip . . . I didn't hear you ask about it.") It's not just infuriating, its crazymaking.

[Anonymous]

Based on prior threads on this subject, you should nag and belittle her incessantly, refuse to do certain chores you are currently doing (e.g., stop mowing the lawn), call her a child and refuse sex. Or at least, this is the advice you would get if you were a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since this is a long running issue, not just something with this particular instance, if this is an avoidance thing, it's about travel in general, rather than this particular thing, but I doubt that's it. OP, is she bad at organization and managing time in general? There's not enough information here, but between the unwillingness to plan and what sounds like a little bit of impulsivity, that sort of sounds like ADHD to me. My husband (who also has ADHD) both won't plan things like this, gets kind of overwhelmed by the advanced details and gets anxious about nailing down a plan he has to commit to (because then it's a thing he has to plan around). The avoidance has nothing to do with not wanting to do the thing. And, he will sometimes bitch about all the other things he's working through around it--but, again, this is because having an unusual, non-negotiable thing to plan around stresses him out; once we're doing the plans, he's all in.

You're not going to be able to change her--if she won't allow you to just do the planning, I think you're going to have to change the approach. Like, don't assume you're going to be able to get her just spontaneously discuss what to do. Make an advance household appointment to go through the options with her and make decisions and make the purchases/deposits right then and there while she's with you and hold her to the appointment to make the plans. If she refuses, then you might have to tell her that she then loses the right to complain about what plans you make. I mean, it sounds harsh but it's not fair to the rest of the family that her unwillingness to plan makes everyone else suffer. She can use her words like a grownup if she has other issues with the travel.

And, of course, you should go to your child's competition. She's being ridiculous by implying you shouldn't be there.

Totally this. Not enough executive function skills to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Divide and conquer based on your strengths. She sucks at this part of married life so you should take it on. She's probably better at some other stuff so she can take that on.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD to me.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone piling on op? She has few responsibilities and doesn't seem capable of handling any decisions. My DH is like this (although he works but fewer hours and from home). He also has ADHD. I handle everything that requires advay planny..all trips, finances, logistics, camp and activity planning, social events, etc. He does daily tasks: go to store, go get oil changed, go take kid to bday party.

Op, either get your wife evaluation (my spouse refuses the meds, and is too set in his ways) or just execute all things that require
executive function. It's exhausting but frankly you'd probably have to do it all anyway if you split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

A SAHP with one child in school and old enough to travel with his team or club cant plant or book things?

Does she have ADD Inattentive? Need executive functioning coaching?
If she doesn’t treat that underlying issue things couple lead to depression and /or anxiety for her.

[Anonymous]

WTH is everyone giving OP sh*t? They have one child - that is in school. She could have got it done. That’s literally her job.Op should not have to take on this role too. If she is bored, depressed get out the house and work. I did.

OP I hope you enjoy the event.

- Former SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don’t understand why the plans are made separately for each parent/spouse. Is this a work trip for OP that happens to coincide with DC’s activity in that city and he was suggesting DW plan to come along? Or did he make his own plans and not buy fur her too? My DH and I discuss trips and vacations but he usually buys the tickets for the whole family...

+1.

work trip is before the event -- DW needs to be home while I am out of town.

I guess she doesn’t have so much flexibility after all.

I’m assuming she has to be home for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP meant that she doesn’t have to request time off work or save days for sick kids. It’s not flexibility to have time to plan, it’s flexibility to go on vacation whenever assuming kids are not in school. It’s not like a WOHM who is planning out camp sign up windows in December.

Yes, this is how I read it, too. She can go on a family vacation any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

Sorry, but no, it's not.

--- A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Op - use a travel agent. You call them. They are taking orders from you re: price parameters, deadlines that need to be met. Not because this is needed, at all, but because your relationship needs a third party - someone to call her and say, "it's this flight".

Some relationships need financial planners, accountants, other professionals not because they can't do the work themselves but because a third party acting as the messenger is a better dynamic for the marriage.