Wife will not plan....and does not want to deal with the consiquences

[Anonymous]

Not sure why people are saying SAHMs don’t have flexibility. sure, it’s a job but there is absolutely much more flexibility than most WOH role (regardless of kid age). OP, I would be very aggravated by this. She should be able to get it done.

- SAHM

[Anonymous]

How old is your child, Op? If he/she is an older teenager it could be that your wife thinks that your kid is o.k. to go to this event w/o mom or dad tagging along.

I know that when I was a teenager I took trips related to an activity that I was in (seminer/workshop/competition) and my parents never came along with me. The kids all roomed together and attended the event together accompanied by our teachers/sponsors . There were no parent chaperones involved at all and it was nice to have that sense of grown up independence, tbh.

Your wife may also not want to set vacation plans in stone too far out for fear that it will conflict with an opportunity that arises for your kid (scholarship competition for example). You don't want to be in the position of trying to decide whether or not to go on vacation or stay home and let your kid attend a very important event.

As far as actually scheduling a vacation goes, how difficult is that, btw? You pick a destination, book a rental/plane tickets, etc. I just get the impression that you are sort of clueless as to how much work your kid is putting into their activity and how much your wife is doing to help your kid succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I should have added, we have only the one child

Answer why your wife said you couldn’t go to event in the other city.

She did not think it is fair when she can’t. Really that simple.

Well, too bad, so sad. She sounds immature. Go to the event and support your kid. Not doing that would be even more unfair.
“I’m sorry you chose not to get a flight when it was affordable. I’ll already be in Chicago that week and will be present for Larlo at his big math tournament. If you figure out how to get a ride there, let me know. I’m sure Larlo would love to see you.”

[Anonymous]

I think OP meant that she doesn’t have to request time off work or save days for sick kids. It’s not flexibility to have time to plan, it’s flexibility to go on vacation whenever assuming kids are not in school. It’s not like a WOHM who is planning out camp sign up windows in December.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't "have flexibility" any more than you do. SAHM is a full-time job; WOHD is a full-time job. You have home life responsibilities: BOTH of you.

If I considered it my husband's "job" to file the taxes for both of us, and that didn't get done, do you think I have no responsibility to file the damn taxes?

If she's not getting the vacation plans done, and clearly she's not, you take on the task. You don't get to delegate as if you have no responsibility here.

It seems like OP is trying to plan. He is bringing ideas, looking up flights. He can’t make reservations, pay deposits, or buy plane tickets for someone else if they won’t discuss the options. This is weird. She needs counseling.

A similar example would be that my husband can and does file our taxes - but I have to provide him paperwork like my w-2 and 1099s. I don’s have to review the outcome and sign it, but my husband asks me to. I suppose he could send them in without my cooperation, but they might be wrong.

Why not? I do this every time we travel. I buy tickets for the family, set up hotel reservations, car rental, etc.
Every airline has a 24 hour cancellation policy. And if you want more flexibility, you can book with Southwest. Most hotels offer cancellation policies as well.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she just doesn't like to travel as much as you do, OP. Why don't you do the work, make a proposal, and present it to her?

My DH always wants to travel, and money isn't a problem, but he expects that I will do all the packing, unpacking, laundry, and also catch up on everything that didn't get done while we were away. I hate getting back late on a Sunday with no groceries and a ton of laundry and the kids all tired and frazzled. It throws off the whole week. Finally we made a deal that he will take the afternoon off before we travel and he will take care of most of the packing and also deal with groceries for the week, and also he'll unpack. It's fair for him to do the work because he's the one who wants to take the trip. Try offering your wife a better deal and she may be more interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW likes to live life where you do not plan for next month until you have planned next weekend. For little things, I kind of get it, but for big things, life does not work this way. We have had huge blowups over vacation planning (DW is a SAHM, so has flexibility; I am more limited). She does not want to talk about vacation planning when it needs to happen for big trips (e.g., popular destinations sell out).

The latest involves something with our kid....a school event about 8 hours from here. I already had a business trip to that area, and I wanted to talk to DW about booking her trip ASAP. As we approached the date, I kept talking to her, but she would no do it. Now, the airfares are 4x what they were several weeks ago, and at a point where she can not afford it. Now, she wants me not to go (I will be in the same city). This is a once in a lifetime event for the the kids in the organization, but we will not see our kid during the thrip. I have suggested she should try to carpool with someone, but she has made no effort.

Well, if she stays home, at least the dog will have company.

"She" cannot afford it? Red flag. She is a SAHM, how can she afford anything? What is going on in your finances exactly? Maybe she doesn't want to spend the money to go at all.

[Anonymous]

Is she an introvert? Have social anxiety? Dislike leaving the house? Struggle with making decisions in general? Something is holding her back from not making the plans to go.

[Anonymous]

I don’t work and what she is doing is not ok. I literally handle every aspect of everything other than working. She should be able to plan a few trips when you ask. Geez. I don’t know if she is depressed or lazy or what, but you need to get to the bottom of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I should have added, we have only the one child

Why is she not working outside the home if you have only one kid in school? What is she doing all day?

[Anonymous]

I have a rule that if something takes me less than two minutes a day, I just do it and forget about it. I used to get so angry that DH left his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. That anger took so much energy. Now I just throw them in the hamper when I throw my own in. It’s not a big deal.

If you know how much the tickets cost, that means you have already pulled up price information on a website somewhere. At that point, if takes less than two minutes to just go ahead and book a flight. She has 24 hours to cancel if she wants to change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW likes to live life where you do not plan for next month until you have planned next weekend. For little things, I kind of get it, but for big things, life does not work this way. We have had huge blowups over vacation planning (DW is a SAHM, so has flexibility; I am more limited). She does not want to talk about vacation planning when it needs to happen for big trips (e.g., popular destinations sell out).

The latest involves something with our kid....a school event about 8 hours from here. I already had a business trip to that area, and I wanted to talk to DW about booking her trip ASAP. As we approached the date, I kept talking to her, but she would no do it. Now, the airfares are 4x what they were several weeks ago, and at a point where she can not afford it. Now, she wants me not to go (I will be in the same city). This is a once in a lifetime event for the the kids in the organization, but we will not see our kid during the thrip. I have suggested she should try to carpool with someone, but she has made no effort.

Well, if she stays home, at least the dog will have company.

"She" cannot afford it? Red flag. She is a SAHM, how can she afford anything? What is going on in your finances exactly? Maybe she doesn't want to spend the money to go at all.

Of the whole post, this seemed like the biggest issue to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW likes to live life where you do not plan for next month until you have planned next weekend. For little things, I kind of get it, but for big things, life does not work this way. We have had huge blowups over vacation planning (DW is a SAHM, so has flexibility; I am more limited). She does not want to talk about vacation planning when it needs to happen for big trips (e.g., popular destinations sell out).

The latest involves something with our kid....a school event about 8 hours from here. I already had a business trip to that area, and I wanted to talk to DW about booking her trip ASAP. As we approached the date, I kept talking to her, but she would no do it. Now, the airfares are 4x what they were several weeks ago, and at a point where she can not afford it. Now, she wants me not to go (I will be in the same city). This is a once in a lifetime event for the the kids in the organization, but we will not see our kid during the thrip. I have suggested she should try to carpool with someone, but she has made no effort.

Well, if she stays home, at least the dog will have company.

"She" cannot afford it? Red flag. She is a SAHM, how can she afford anything? What is going on in your finances exactly? Maybe she doesn't want to spend the money to go at all.

It sounds like Op gives his wife a pittance of an "allowance" and then expects to be able to dictate how she spends that money. I HOPE that is not true, Op!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don’t understand why the plans are made separately for each parent/spouse. Is this a work trip for OP that happens to coincide with DC’s activity in that city and he was suggesting DW plan to come along? Or did he make his own plans and not buy fur her too? My DH and I discuss trips and vacations but he usually buys the tickets for the whole family...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP. I feel for you. I really do. But please take a big step back. This is your wife and mother of your kids. You likely fell in love with this aspect of her personality. Lives in the moment etc. you are wishing now that she was different than she is. She isn’t. She never will be. You will never change this aspect of her personality.

So now you have a choice. Do you let this one thing ruin your life together including your kids sense of well being? Because it will. OR do you embrace this aspect of her personality. See the beauty in it and laugh about how different you two are but a perfect match anyway.

And make the reservations yourself. For any important event that takes planning, you are the designated planner. That small shift in responsibility will literally save your marriage. And don’t hold a grudge about it. Just laugh and give her a kiss and embrace your differences and accommodate for them.

I see marriages get derailed all the time over stuff like this when they don’t have to.

Perfect advice

+1 and this is what I’ve done. My spouse sounds very similar. Now I just make all the plans. Before it was, we should do this one year. Well when is the year we will do it? So now I plan in advance and don’t rely on them to make the reservations etc.