Actively Bisexual Men Married to Women--Does she know?

[Anonymous]

DW here. Convinced my DH is bisexual but has been hiding it for decades (he's in his mid 50s). I'm not looking for advice on how to confirm that he is bisexual vs. gay vs. straight. It is without question that he is deeply attracted to me and has been deeply attracted to many other women over his lifetime (including the time he cheated on me a few years ago). But I now have enough info that I can no longer ignore that he is also attracted to men and to receiving anal. But I know he won't be open with me about this. Before marriage we had many detailed talks, including about my experimentation with women. He refused to admit any experimentation on his part with same sex partners and since then has displayed what can only be described as odd homophobia considering he's an open-minded politically progressive person who has gay friends. So odd it's caused me to openly ask him multiple times if his lack of comfort watching a tv show about a gay man is upsetting to him because he has feelings he is repressing. He gets so upset he threatens divorce.

According to him, his interests in our bedroom have gotten consistently "kinkier" but he refuses to discuss things out in the open and what they mean. But I know that's not the full story. I don't want to get into the details of how/why I know. But now that I'm finally willing to look past my own denial, I want to figure out what to do about this.

I do want to know if this is something he was honest with me about or whether he hid his interest/conduct from the past. As in... has he been hiding his bisexuality from everyone, including himself, all this time? Or has he just hidden it from the public/family/etc. And I'm even more interested in knowing whether he is/has been exploring this outside of our 8 year marriage. Yeah, yeah. I've read the threads on how to spy on my spouse. Less interested in that and just want the truth. But I've asked about it so many times and he's just gotten mad and shut down.

Any advice from men who have actually themselves struggled with this? I will definitely have to figure out what I want to do about this now that it's at a point I can't ignore it--but before I am open to deciding whether I want to stay in a relationship (sexual and otherwise) with a man who also wants to receive from men, I really feel like I deserve to know the truth about his past, particularly during our own marriage. How do I get past several decades of his hiding to get to the truth? I understand that bisexuality does NOT have to mean someone needs to have sex with multiple partners. Bisexuals can be in monogamous relationships. DH has had trouble with monogamy with previous relationships and at least once with me (many years ago). Maybe because he has this other side of him that he's never (or rarely) explored. Maybe just because he won't choose monogamy and/or won't choose to be honest about his desire to be non-monogamous. But I'm sitting here wondering what I'm actually dealing with. Does he have furtive anonymous gay sex behind my back in situations that might make me unsafe and that would break my heart? Or is he just self-pleasuring in secret? At the end of the day, I guess I am willing to consider how to create a truthful happy marriage with a bi-male who desires anal sex but I really don't want to be with a person who sneaks around behind my back with people of any sex. Trying to figure out how to get the truth out of someone who has been hiding from others for a long time. And likely from himself. Just asking hasn't worked.

Please be kind. I'm hurting.

[Anonymous]

Hi there. I have been with my DH for 6 years, 2 kids. When I was pregnant last year I found out he was getting bjs from men and women. I had no idea he was bi. I found out he was watching gay porn. He says he just likes head and men are more available, but from what I saw, he wouldnt mind trying being a top or giving oral. He claims he hasnt done anything but bjs. Anyway, it was really hard for me. I felt like I didnt really know him. He had been cheating since I met him and it took years to find out. Do yourself a favor if he has an android phone: look into his google account. You can see the history of what apps he downloads, (like grindr) his map history (how i found out he would leave at night to other cities). Also voice to text. I heard voice to texts like him saying wanna hang out? At random times in the night. And everything he searches in the google search bar, along with other info. It is very useful.
I'm still with him, he doesnt seem to be cheating, but it sucks because I'll never know if he feels he is missing out. And I trust him way less. I am also only in my 20s. Anyway, I am so sorry you're going though this. You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have kids together? You mention decades a few times but also said 8 year marriage. Was that a typo? I think the length of your marriage and whether you have kids matters. I mean, you know he cheated on you once. Chances are he has or will again. Not sure of it matters all that much with whom. He is a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Whether he was the bottom with dudes before your relationship or likes the idea of it really isn’t your business. If he’s been cheating, though, that’s obviously an issue!

[Anonymous]

This is a lot of text and explanation to say your husband has cheated on you at least once with a woman and you suspect more cheating with men.

First, you need to decide if you want an open marriage. Your husband is unfaithful and will continue to be. Do you want that type of relationship? You can’t change him, all you can do is leave if you don’t like it.

The bisexuality is secondary and honestly, not that important. The real question is: do you want an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

You need to get tested yesterday for HIV and the plethora of other diseases that accompany non-monogamous sex, especially dishonest/down low non-monogamous sex. Better if you can get him tested too. After that, you need to decide how much risk you're willing to take going forward. This is a very bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a lot of text and explanation to say your husband has cheated on you at least once with a woman and you suspect more cheating with men.

First, you need to decide if you want an open marriage. Your husband is unfaithful and will continue to be. Do you want that type of relationship? You can’t change him, all you can do is leave if you don’t like it.

The bisexuality is secondary and honestly, not that important. The real question is: do you want an open marriage?

+1 This. Also, do you have proof to confront him? He needs to start talking so you can figure out next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a lot of text and explanation to say your husband has cheated on you at least once with a woman and you suspect more cheating with men.

First, you need to decide if you want an open marriage. Your husband is unfaithful and will continue to be. Do you want that type of relationship? You can’t change him, all you can do is leave if you don’t like it.

The bisexuality is secondary and honestly, not that important. The real question is: do you want an open marriage?

I disagree. If he has been fundamentally untruthful about who he is, it IS a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Male bisexuals are also exposed to a whole lot more STDs on average, particularly if they bottom for anal sex, so that is an important component too

[Anonymous]

Bisexual woman here in a currently monogamous marriage that was open previously, largely because I married young and wanted to explore my bisexuality.

I think the stigma for bisexual men is just about the worst there is. There are lots of supposedly progressive, LGBT- friendly women who have no problem expressing their revulsion at the idea that their man might be bisexual. It's actually easier to be a gay man or woman or a bisexual woman in today's culture than it is to be a bi man. So I have a bit of sympathy for the down-low bi man.

That being said, this is your DH's issue to work through. He sounds like he has his own identity issue that no one but he can tackle. Your issue to decide is whether you want open and honest communication with a husband who respects you.

Being so resistant to a conversation that he threatens divorce is not being a good partner.
Cheating on you is not being a good partner.

You deserve a good partner. Your DH might be a good man dealt a difficult hand going through some shit, but he's not being a loving and honest partner to you.

[Anonymous]

I kept it hidden from my first wife, but I was transparent about it to my current one. I did promise her to never cheat, which I have done. Ironically, she said her fantasy was to see her male partner with another guy and encouraged me to do that. I declined, because I don’t want her to look at me different nor I want to provide the same “hall pass” in the future.

[Anonymous]

Surprise him one evening and walk into the bedroom wearing a strapon.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

How is 8 years several decades of hiding? Also, you sound insane. What if he's not gay/bi or whatever and you're the nut insisting he is all this time. You sound quite outspoken on it. Guys can get off to many things, doesn't mean they're doing them.

[Anonymous]

Have you any reason to believe he was abused as a child ?

[Anonymous]

If you’ve just found some gay porn, it doesn’t necessarily mean your DH is bisexual. Sexuality is a complex thing and porn sites offer such a variety of content that people might explore things on those sites that don’t reflect what they actually desire in real life. I’m a DW and have occasionally fantasized about being with another woman in my private moments but am very straight and would never want to be with a woman in real life.

It may be that your DH becomes so angry and threatens divorce (which he should never do) because you are fixated on this and like a dog with a bone. It’s hard to know without hearing his side. But the core issue seems to be that you don’t trust him, and that you’ve had reason not to trust him.