Actively Bisexual Men Married to Women--Does she know?
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Anonymous
| Many absolutely straight men enjoy pegging. |
Anonymous
Yes, we do! |
Anonymous
From another man? No way I would ever be ok with a bisexual husband. |
Anonymous
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You need a good couples therapist to work this out but the focus needs to be on your lack of trust and his inability to talk openly about things. It seems like you have not really moved past the affair in that you don’t really trust him (maybe for good reason). A good therapist could hopefully help you move to a more honest place.
I would sell it to him not as “you need to admit you’re bi” but as “im having trouble trusting you and would like to go to therapy to work through these issues that are still lingering after your affair”. Also a full STD panel, obviously. |
Anonymous
We do as well. I get hard just watching DW step into her harness, then seeing her “hardon” sticking out from her waist. |
Anonymous
Those men are not straight |
Anonymous
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OP, I think in this situation, it's a couple things that are "the problem":
1) Your husband is cheating on you, likely with varying degrees of safety. This is very very troubling and I doubt I would be able to get past it, regardless of any sexuality twists. 2) Your husband's conflicted feelings about his sexuality are affecting his sexual relationship with you in that he is not able to have open and honest discussions about what he likes and wants to do. I could probably get past that, but not if I knew he was cheating on me as well, in ways that put my health and safety in jeopardy. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Sorry if I have confused people with timelines. We have been together about 8 years and he is in his mid 50s. We have not been together "for that long" of his lifespan. We coupled up later in life. He has had a previous marriage (to a woman) with whom he has a child. I had a previous very long-term commitment with a man that might as well have been a marriage. DH and I do not have kids together. When I say I wonder if he has been "in the closet" about his bisexuality for decades, I mean I wonder if this bisexuality is something he is just opening up to himself now in his 50s or whether it is something that he has known about himself for most of his adult life but that he just keeps hidden/closeted from his "public" life. (As in--is he just realizing now that he wants to be &*@)ed in the butt by a man (not a woman) or has he had sexual encounters with men in the past that he has not been open/honest about in his daily normal life. I obviously know his family quite well. Parents. Siblings. I know his life-long best friend quite well (an open gay man). My husband and I are also in the same profession and I know people who have known my husband professionally for decades. He has never been publicly "open" about his sexual attraction to men to any of these folks. (With the obvious exception of maybe he's been open to his best friend and they've just kept it secret.) I know for a fact that no one openly knows about him being attracted to men. And as I explained earlier, despite his progressive politics, he actually acts quite homophobic. Seeing 2 men together even on tv makes him physically uncomfortable. (Now I'm realizing that's likely bc it turned him on and he didn't want to face that or have anyone notice that.) So what I was saying is I'm wondering if my husband is someone who was so closeted that he is just realizing now in his mid 50s that he has this attraction or has he been engaging in these sexual behaviors over the span of his adult life but has just kept them a secret. As in... he hooks up with men on the down low and has masqueraded as a purely hetero man his whole life.
There are some people who think that I have no right to know what he did before we were together. I disagree. But it's because I believe that it matters how honest he was to me about something that important. There are lots of stupid things people lie about that I wouldn't feel that way about. And only a handful of important issues that I fundamentally think people have a right to get the truth about it if they ask about it. And on this particular issue, I wanted to know. I think I would feel that way regardless. It's like "do you want kids." or "do you believe in god." "Have you had sexual relations with the same sex." "Have you ever cheated." These are big questions that I would hope we all wanted answers to when we're asking them in a serious committed relationship with someone. But also... let's just say there are some special circumstances at issue here as well. My previous 15 yr relationship ended in a very traumatic way for me--I discovered that my man had a particular sexual fetish that he had kept hidden from me and which he engaged in with other women behind my back. I tried to work through those trust issues. And for awhile even agreed to an "open" relationship bc this fetish was not something I wanted to be involved in. Sorry. I don't think enemas are sexy. But the open relationship concept didn't work for us. A combo of: I didn't actually want an open relationship. I actually love the close commitment of meaningful monogamy. But also, no matter what "rules" we established that he was supposed to abide by in order to try to build my trust back, he would inevitably push past them and break them. So yeah, you better believe that when I started to get very serious with what is now my DH we spent hours talking about this kind of stuff. I wanted an honest relationship beyond on all things. I wanted to know what I was getting into. So yeah I would feel pretty betrayed that DH spent hours having him pretend like he was a vanilla choir boy who thought it was shocking that I had a Brazilian wax and had made out with women and couldn't possibly fathom how my ex could have pulled what he pulled on me if he was hiding his own serious sexual secrets from me at the same time. I'd feel very differently if he were somehow a person who is honestly just now being open with himself or just realizing something new about what really makes him happy. I guess this matters to me when I try to think about whether I want to stay in this marriage. People make mistakes. People lie. That doesn't make them "bad" people who should be discarded. One lie, even a big one, doesn't make a person a fundamental liar. So yeah... I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I want to stay in this marriage. And one of the thoughts I keep coming back to is... has he been engaging in bi-sexual acts (secretly) most of his adult life and he purposefully lied to me about it all (both before our marriage and dozens of times since?) Or is he just now blossoming and changing and exploring this issue physically with himself? If it's the later, I have more empathy for him and there's a hope we can make it work. And yes, he did cheat on me once many years ago with a woman. We went to therapy. I did regain trust. As much as someone can. I truly mean it. It wasn't easy. But we've been in a very good place for a long time. My suspicions of him now are really unconnected with that past behavior. It's all new stuff and unlike what we went through before. Like I said, I was hoping to hear from bisexual men. I really don't feel like feeding the trolls and talking endlessly about the so-called "evidence" and having people play fake detective about how gay or how straight he is. Take my word on it. He definitely loves having sex with women. And I am just now becoming aware that he also loves receiving anal and there are unmistakable physical clues that this wasn't his first time. And also plenty of other evidence that he fantasizes about getting $&^%ed by a man, not just a woman with a toy or a strapon. And now that my eyes are open to this, the truth is I can see suggestions of things that COULD be signs he is stepping outside our marriage again but isn't definitive evidence. And if he is stepping out, who knows if it's with a woman who pegs or a man. Who cares. Like others have said, the important thing is whether he is cheating/lying and not the body parts or the gender involved. I don't actually know if someone else is involved. I suppose he could be engaging in a lot of toy play with his own butt (although jeez, do people REALLY do that in hotels or business trips or at work??? He's rarely home when I'm not.) But he's either doing that OR doing it with a person(s). And the answer is important to me. I want the truth. If he's cheating on me again I honestly think I will end the marriage. If he's just hiding a rather significantly advanced butt toy fetish I won't. If he lied to me about his past and he's been having anal sex with men for years and just pretending to be a monogamous hetero male with his girlfriends/wives, including me, I will divorce him. If he's a person who is just now feeling free to explore a new side of himself, then I probably won't. I'm surprised there don't seem to be more people who understand this conundrum. And given what we want through many years ago with him not being honest about the cheating (he only came clean after a big detective like confrontation), and given his reaction to the entire topic of men with men on past occasions whenever it's been raised, I'm presuming it won't be easy for him to tell me the truth. So what I was asking for is advice from men who have gone through this difficult situation to weigh in and maybe give advice on how I might broach the subject to get him to tell me the truth. Yes, I guess I can go play detective and secretly amass proof of whether he's physically cheating with others and then confront him. But I don't want a confrontation. I don't want the drama. I don't want to waste more time/energy on that crap. I want an open, calm dialogue about a very difficult conversation. And so I'm not trying to entrap him. Or scare him. I want him to just be honest so we can discuss what's next for us. And I guess I was hoping that people might have advice on how to get someone to open up about such a difficult topic bc I know he hasn't been open to this topic in the past. But maybe I'm asking for advice that just isn't going to come. Cuz... yeah. I don't want an open relationship. I won't do that (again). And he knows that. So I suppose that's likely keeping him from being honest. I can't make him feel "safe" by saying he can tell me anything and it will be ok and he can do whatever he wants. It's not true. He will lose me if he needs to have sex with other people, regardless of the gender. If he just wants some butt play, I can engage in some of it and can certainly allow him to engage in even more with himself. But I think I have the right to say that emotionally I don't want an open marriage and I'm sorry I'm not cool enough for all the people who think I'm a prude. But I guess it's no wonder he doesn't tell me whatever his truth is. And he likely realistically fears that if he tells me he lied to me about his past when he knows I asked about it and why I was asking about it, that I will leave. And he likely realistically fears that if he tells me he has engaged in sexual conduct with other people (again) that I will leave. And I guess I'm just going to have to wait. And then "confront" him and make this negative and terrible for us both. And then he'll probably just lie to me to keep me. And then we will be trapped in this forever. How much does this suck. I guess there's no advice for me here. I just want him to be honest. And you can't really force someone into that when they're not ready. But I just want to know if I'm married to a liar and a cheater or if I am married to a man who is just now late in life discovering something new about himself that maybe our marriage can survive. And I don't see why the answer has to be that our marriage must be "open" for it to survive. I find myself sexually attracted to other people and I choose not to act on those desires. And that makes me feel awesome. THAT is something I give to my husband. That loyalty. That denial. I guess I'm just cluelessly old-fashioned or something. But I love the idea of being wholly with one person. Giving one person my everything. Of saying no to other things so I can make my chosen one feel special. Why can't he do that in this situation with me? Why can't I say "ok, great, honey. You're open to this now. And you probably should have slept with that dude in college. But now you're mine and we can find ways to stimulate your prostrate without others getting involved." But I just don't see how I get him to tell me the truth at this point about any of this. I know that he will feel attacked and will shut down. And I know I don't want to go play detective again. But the hell if I'm staying if he's cheating again regardless of the details. So that leaves me on the internet asking for advice from strangers, which just isn't going to come. |
Anonymous
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I'm the wife. I know. I knew before we married.
There are a LOT of supposedly religious, conservative, straight married men who try and hook up with other men. So far, not one of them has told their wife. They are jealous that my DH is able to be open with his wife (me) about who he is. I find it sad actually. |
Anonymous
| Omg, that was a bit too long, OP! |
Anonymous
| Without making presumptions about his sexuality, he sounds a serial cheater. It’s clearly a pattern that has been happening since before you met. You won’t fix him. Since you don’t sound happy with an open marriage (which is separate from cheating) it sounds like you should move on. No kids to complicate things, and hopefully you had a prenup. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Try this... When you’re giving him “sweet kisses” down there, have a bottle of lube handy, pour some on his back door and your middle finger. Slowly slide your finger in and talk to him while you’re doing it. “Does that feel good?” “Would you like it if I get a strapon and do you?” Etc... Sounds corny but maybe, just maybe he’ll open up about himself. Good luck and keep us posted. |
Anonymous
Not true. I’d love a good pegging and I am not into men at all. I’ve never had it and my wife wouldn’t be into it. But she massaged my prostrate before and it was intense. |
Anonymous
Just because he likes to cram things in his ass does not mean he’s gay. 
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Anonymous
| Honestly, your only choice is to talk to him about what you’ve found. If your marriage can’t survive that conversation then it’s in crisis anyway. |