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[quote=Anonymous]DW here. Convinced my DH is bisexual but has been hiding it for decades (he's in his mid 50s). I'm not looking for advice on how to confirm that he is bisexual vs. gay vs. straight. It is without question that he is deeply attracted to me and has been deeply attracted to many other women over his lifetime (including the time he cheated on me a few years ago). But I now have enough info that I can no longer ignore that he is also attracted to men and to receiving anal. But I know he won't be open with me about this. Before marriage we had many detailed talks, including about my experimentation with women. He refused to admit any experimentation on his part with same sex partners and since then has displayed what can only be described as odd homophobia considering he's an open-minded politically progressive person who has gay friends. So odd it's caused me to openly ask him multiple times if his lack of comfort watching a tv show about a gay man is upsetting to him because he has feelings he is repressing. He gets so upset he threatens divorce.

According to him, his interests in our bedroom have gotten consistently "kinkier" but he refuses to discuss things out in the open and what they mean. But I know that's not the full story. I don't want to get into the details of how/why I know. But now that I'm finally willing to look past my own denial, I want to figure out what to do about this.

I do want to know if this is something he was honest with me about or whether he hid his interest/conduct from the past. As in... has he been hiding his bisexuality from everyone, including himself, all this time? Or has he just hidden it from the public/family/etc. And I'm even more interested in knowing whether he is/has been exploring this outside of our 8 year marriage. Yeah, yeah. I've read the threads on how to spy on my spouse. Less interested in that and just want the truth. But I've asked about it so many times and he's just gotten mad and shut down.

Any advice from men who have actually themselves struggled with this? I will definitely have to figure out what I want to do about this now that it's at a point I can't ignore it--but before I am open to deciding whether I want to stay in a relationship (sexual and otherwise) with a man who also wants to receive from men, I really feel like I deserve to know the truth about his past, particularly during our own marriage. How do I get past several decades of his hiding to get to the truth? I understand that bisexuality does NOT have to mean someone needs to have sex with multiple partners. Bisexuals can be in monogamous relationships. DH has had trouble with monogamy with previous relationships and at least once with me (many years ago). Maybe because he has this other side of him that he's never (or rarely) explored. Maybe just because he won't choose monogamy and/or won't choose to be honest about his desire to be non-monogamous. But I'm sitting here wondering what I'm actually dealing with. Does he have furtive anonymous gay sex behind my back in situations that might make me unsafe and that would break my heart? Or is he just self-pleasuring in secret? At the end of the day, I guess I am willing to consider how to create a truthful happy marriage with a bi-male who desires anal sex but I really don't want to be with a person who sneaks around behind my back with people of any sex. Trying to figure out how to get the truth out of someone who has been hiding from others for a long time. And likely from himself. Just asking hasn't worked.

Please be kind. I'm hurting. [/quote]

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