Actively Bisexual Men Married to Women--Does she know?

[Anonymous]

I just want to know what the ‘unmistakable physical evidence’ was that this was it the first time....wth? I think you are overreacting without knowing more.

[Anonymous]

Hope you get the answers you’re after.
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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get tested yesterday for HIV and the plethora of other diseases that accompany non-monogamous sex, especially dishonest/down low non-monogamous sex. Better if you can get him tested too. After that, you need to decide how much risk you're willing to take going forward. This is a very bad situation.

+1,000. Please be careful. You seem to want to appear open-minded about this, but this is the reality.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar issue with my husband who just decided to tell me that he might be bisexual after many years of marriage. I would love some advice, as well, how to handle. He says he hasn't tried anything with anyone and just wants companionship, but it's been going on and off for 3 months with him saying he's uninterested and then possibly interested again. He's now on a kick where he's not interested and wants to get help but doesn't really know what help and neither do I. I can't take it much longer but want to try to work things out at least before he starts actually getting physical with people to see if it's just an insecurity issue or something more that will continue telling me I should get out. We've had to deal with raising a special needs child and two professional careers which have taken their toll over the years. Maybe I'm just making up excuses. The sex has never been great. But then I think of the kids and my own wish to stay together in marriage. What steps do people take to get the man to actually figure out what is going on in their head and also make any progress as a couple if there can be any progress. I am like that woman before though who said she couldn't be paid to stay in a bisexual relationship. Sex is very important to me and I agree I will not be able to love someone who doesn't commit to me fully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get tested yesterday for HIV and the plethora of other diseases that accompany non-monogamous sex, especially dishonest/down low non-monogamous sex. Better if you can get him tested too. After that, you need to decide how much risk you're willing to take going forward. This is a very bad situation.

+1 I have HIV ... first time I’ve said it anywhere. I contracted the virus from him and stayed because we have two kids. He passed away and my questions go unanswered. Be safe. Sending you support.

That must've been really hard to type even on an anon board. I hope you have all of the support you and the kids need.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is bisexual.
It doesn't change how much desire we have or how attractive I find him and I know he is honest and faithful.
It's the best relationship I have ever had.

[Anonymous]

Lol. Good luck with that PP. You will need it.

[Anonymous]

I am a bisexual male that is 100% loyal to my partner. The use of toys and porn (together) is more than enough for me to feel happy. More importantly, I am happy that I can share who I am and all my fantasies without being judged. Conversely, I do the same for her.

One thing I did was to be honest with her about being this way and how I failed to be loyal in the past, which I did not intend to repeat again.

If there is a wife here concerned about a husband being bisexual...look...people are who they are and they are not going to change. They can remain loyal to you if you are creative in your privacy, are a good listener without passing judgement and also share your own secrets with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get tested yesterday for HIV and the plethora of other diseases that accompany non-monogamous sex, especially dishonest/down low non-monogamous sex. Better if you can get him tested too. After that, you need to decide how much risk you're willing to take going forward. This is a very bad situation.

+1 I have HIV ... first time I’ve said it anywhere. I contracted the virus from him and stayed because we have two kids. He passed away and my questions go unanswered. Be safe. Sending you support.

That must've been really hard to type even on an anon board. I hope you have all of the support you and the kids need.

+2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar issue with my husband who just decided to tell me that he might be bisexual after many years of marriage. I would love some advice, as well, how to handle. He says he hasn't tried anything with anyone and just wants companionship, but it's been going on and off for 3 months with him saying he's uninterested and then possibly interested again. He's now on a kick where he's not interested and wants to get help but doesn't really know what help and neither do I. I can't take it much longer but want to try to work things out at least before he starts actually getting physical with people to see if it's just an insecurity issue or something more that will continue telling me I should get out. We've had to deal with raising a special needs child and two professional careers which have taken their toll over the years. Maybe I'm just making up excuses. The sex has never been great. But then I think of the kids and my own wish to stay together in marriage. What steps do people take to get the man to actually figure out what is going on in their head and also make any progress as a couple if there can be any progress. I am like that woman before though who said she couldn't be paid to stay in a bisexual relationship. Sex is very important to me and I agree I will not be able to love someone who doesn't commit to me fully.

I’m so sorry. My first thought is that he’s likely gay and has repressed it for years. But infidelity is infidelity, no matter the gender of an AP. I would definitely see a counselor together and just lay it all out on the table and go from there.

[Anonymous]

How many women are into pegging? My husband wants me to try this and I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bisexual woman here in a currently monogamous marriage that was open previously, largely because I married young and wanted to explore my bisexuality.

I think the stigma for bisexual men is just about the worst there is. There are lots of supposedly progressive, LGBT- friendly women who have no problem expressing their revulsion at the idea that their man might be bisexual. It's actually easier to be a gay man or woman or a bisexual woman in today's culture than it is to be a bi man. So I have a bit of sympathy for the down-low bi man.

That being said, this is your DH's issue to work through. He sounds like he has his own identity issue that no one but he can tackle. Your issue to decide is whether you want open and honest communication with a husband who respects you.

Being so resistant to a conversation that he threatens divorce is not being a good partner.
Cheating on you is not being a good partner.

You deserve a good partner. Your DH might be a good man dealt a difficult hand going through some shit, but he's not being a loving and honest partner to you[u].

New poster. OP, I hope you will listen to the post above. The bold is mine.

Then take your own last paragraph of the original post and read it to your husband. Tweak if you must, but your own last paragraph does lay out your thoughts well, OP. You are going to need to sit down with him with no distractions, at a time when he cannot say he has to leave in five minutes to do X or Y, and be clear that this is a conversation that is vital to your marriage.

I rarely think ultimatums are a good idea, but if -- after you approach him and ask him point-blank the questions you must ask to get on with YOUR life, whether married to him or not -- if he then still won't answer, I would tell him that doing immediate couples therapy is a deal-breaker IF you want to salvage the marriage. I would have to assume that if he is not willing to answer you with real informaiton, he is indeed hiding something, whether that something is just thwarted sexuality he won't admit, or sexuality he is actively engaging in, outside the marriage. If he says you are totally and utterly wrong and he's straight, you still need him to respond to the signs you have seen and interpreted as pointing toward bisexuality. You deserve clear and detailed answers. He may be in a lot of mental turmoil and emotional pain and that is terrible, but as the PP above says, he is not being a loving and honest partner.

And as someone else already posted: Tomorrow, not a day later, go and get tested for all the STDs in the book. Did you do so after he had the earlier affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar issue with my husband who just decided to tell me that he might be bisexual after many years of marriage. I would love some advice, as well, how to handle. He says he hasn't tried anything with anyone and just wants companionship, but it's been going on and off for 3 months with him saying he's uninterested and then possibly interested again. He's now on a kick where he's not interested and wants to get help but doesn't really know what help and neither do I. I can't take it much longer but want to try to work things out at least before he starts actually getting physical with people to see if it's just an insecurity issue or something more that will continue telling me I should get out. We've had to deal with raising a special needs child and two professional careers which have taken their toll over the years. Maybe I'm just making up excuses. The sex has never been great. But then I think of the kids and my own wish to stay together in marriage. What steps do people take to get the man to actually figure out what is going on in their head and also make any progress as a couple if there can be any progress. I am like that woman before though who said she couldn't be paid to stay in a bisexual relationship. Sex is very important to me and I agree I will not be able to love someone who doesn't commit to me fully.

Please get outside, professional help. You and he both need to talk to an objective third party -- namely, a therapist, one with experience and training in working with couples were there has been a sexual revelation like this one. If you just let this all slide you will always be wondering "what is going on in [his] head" as you put it, and you will always have that nagging feeling that he isn't fully committed because he'll always be, at the least, curious and thinking about something other than the marriage, the kids, and you. He may have no idea himself what he's feeling and thinking and may need help figuring that out. Professional help, ASAP. It's especially frustrating, I"m sure, that he keeps waffling by "saying he's uninterested then possibly interested again" -- you mean, interested in having a relationship with, or maybe just sex with, a man? That kind of "yes I do, no I changed my mind, wait, now I do" is way, way too hard for you as the spouse to have to deal with. You BOTH need therapy, probably solo therapy AND couples therapy. If you feel you can't afford it--find the money somehow because you will otherwise live years and years in uncertainty and if he acts on his wants, you may split up anyway.

[Anonymous]

You won’t know anything for sure without getting information from him directly OP. I once dated someone I suspected was bisexual and in denial about it. Had some confirmation from other people, but he did not own up to it and I’m not sure he ever would. I couldn’t enter a long term thing feeling like there was something he always felt he had to hide or was unsure of. You have to know your dealbreakers. You already know he’s been unfaithful, which is reason enough to leave if you aren’t open to an open relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would divorce my husband in one second flat if I found out he was bisexual and lied about it. I wouldn’t even care if he had acted on it. I would NOT stay married to a bisexual man, you could not pay me.

But if he’s never acted in it, why does it matter?

Because i don’t want to be married to a bisexual man. Deal breaker!

You sound like a lot of fun