Forcing Adopted Asian Child to have Bat Mitzvah when Child Does not Want It

[Anonymous]

My brother and SIL fully admit they are forcing their daughter from Asia to have a Bat Mitzvah even though there is no family pressure on either side to have one. The daughter makes it very clear she doesn't want it. I should also note they have both been great about making sure their daughter learns about her own culture too. They have taken her to events, signed her up for cultural groups and activities, encouraged friendships. However, chances are she is not a member of the very small sect of Chinese Jews in China so I just don't understand pushing an agenda she doesn't want. She has complained to me and they have complained about how they basically are bribing her to do it. I did suggest it may be helpful to find a family therapist savvy to these issues with adoption to sort this out. I am not an expert, but I don't see the point in forcing this even on a child who was born into a Jewish family. We didn't make our own kids do it.

[Anonymous]

That sounds cruel. Cruel and unusual punishment. And, yes, I am an Asian.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to mention I did give my opinion to advocate for their child and I said I would not make her do it or bribe her to do it. They insist it must happen and I really don't want to be further sucked into this which is why I suggested therapy.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you are interpreting it wrong. All kids change their minds
Sometimes they want, some days they do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you are interpreting it wrong. All kids change their minds
Sometimes they want, some days they do

Yeah, but this is different than trying veggie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you are interpreting it wrong. All kids change their minds
Sometimes they want, some days they do

Got it. OP is confused about hearing the girl say she doesn’t want a bat mitzva. The girl is confused about saying she doesn’t want it. The only people who have clear heads in this situation are the parents who truly understand that when their daughter says no, she actually means yes. Everyone else misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

I think it's one thing to adopt a child and offer religion as a source of strength, forming friendships, etc. However, I don't think it's right to insist they participate in stressful and expensive religious rituals unless they truly want it.

For any group I think it's more important to focus on any aspects of their own culture that you are aware of. If I adopted from Africa, then the culture of the country I adopted from would far surpass my own, unless my child wanted to focus more on my own culture.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t she want it? Does she not want to be Jewish?
I’m not Jewish - is a bat mitzvah something that most Jewish parents would force their bio kids to do? Parents often make their kids go to church, despite objections, whether adopted or bio. Is this a similar thing?

You probably won’t be able to change their minds, but as an aunt you can encourage a close relationship with your niece and provide a listening ear for her when she needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL fully admit they are forcing their daughter from Asia to have a Bat Mitzvah even though there is no family pressure on either side to have one. The daughter makes it very clear she doesn't want it. I should also note they have both been great about making sure their daughter learns about her own culture too. They have taken her to events, signed her up for cultural groups and activities, encouraged friendships. However, chances are she is not a member of the very small sect of Chinese Jews in China so I just don't understand pushing an agenda she doesn't want. She has complained to me and they have complained about how they basically are bribing her to do it. I did suggest it may be helpful to find a family therapist savvy to these issues with adoption to sort this out. I am not an expert, but I don't see the point in forcing this even on a child who was born into a Jewish family. We didn't make our own kids do it.

So, OP, it sounds like you don't think your niece is Jewish. I know you think you are advocating for her, but I would tread very lightly because all the information you have presented here screams that you see her as different because she is not a blood relative, and that the only way she could be Jewish is if her birth parents were. Is it possible that she doesn't want a Bat Mitzvah celebration because she's constantly made to feel like an outsider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t she want it? Does she not want to be Jewish?
I’m not Jewish - is a bat mitzvah something that most Jewish parents would force their bio kids to do? Parents often make their kids go to church, despite objections, whether adopted or bio. Is this a similar thing?

You probably won’t be able to change their minds, but as an aunt you can encourage a close relationship with your niece and provide a listening ear for her when she needs it.

Many a Jewish kid has been forced to have a Bat Mitzvah where they liked the gifts and maybe even the party, but didn't like all the studying and work. Among each successive generation of Jewish parents, especially reform, fewer people force kids who don't want it to do it because it is a huge investment of their time studying a language that is not helpful and a huge investment of money.

The thing with adopting a child is, it is one thing to encourage religion where they go to say Sunday school and see friends. It is another thing to force a cultural ritual that requires intensive preparation and isn't going to help you one day lead an independent and fullfilling life. You can still be Jew without getting a Bat Mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL fully admit they are forcing their daughter from Asia to have a Bat Mitzvah even though there is no family pressure on either side to have one. The daughter makes it very clear she doesn't want it. I should also note they have both been great about making sure their daughter learns about her own culture too. They have taken her to events, signed her up for cultural groups and activities, encouraged friendships. However, chances are she is not a member of the very small sect of Chinese Jews in China so I just don't understand pushing an agenda she doesn't want. She has complained to me and they have complained about how they basically are bribing her to do it. I did suggest it may be helpful to find a family therapist savvy to these issues with adoption to sort this out. I am not an expert, but I don't see the point in forcing this even on a child who was born into a Jewish family. We didn't make our own kids do it.

So, OP, it sounds like you don't think your niece is Jewish. I know you think you are advocating for her, but I would tread very lightly because all the information you have presented here screams that you see her as different because she is not a blood relative, and that the only way she could be Jewish is if her birth parents were. Is it possible that she doesn't want a Bat Mitzvah celebration because she's constantly made to feel like an outsider?

OP responding. I didn't force my own kids to have it. I don't believe in forcing anyone to do these things, but yes, if she is not of Jewish descent and she prefers her own culture, then I do not think it is fair to impose a different culture on her.

[Anonymous]

You're serving no one by gossping about this to total strangers on the internet.

All you can do is directly speak to your brother and SIL, once. If your niece brings it up to you again, you have room to say she is still upset about it, and have they thought about therapy, etc.

Right now, by putting this online, you're not helping.

[Anonymous]

I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t she want it? Does she not want to be Jewish?
I’m not Jewish - is a bat mitzvah something that most Jewish parents would force their bio kids to do? Parents often make their kids go to church, despite objections, whether adopted or bio. Is this a similar thing?

You probably won’t be able to change their minds, but as an aunt you can encourage a close relationship with your niece and provide a listening ear for her when she needs it.

A bat mitzvah is an important rite of passage in the life of a Jewish person, signifying the end of their childhood and beginning of an adult understanding and participation in the religion. It’s the culmination of years of religious education.

Most Jewish teenagers become b’nai mitzvah (“children of the commandments”)—“bar” means son and “bat” means daughter—whether in a big to-do including family and friends from far and wide, or an intimate ceremony with a small celebratory lunch afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you are interpreting it wrong. All kids change their minds
Sometimes they want, some days they do

Got it. OP is confused about hearing the girl say she doesn’t want a bat mitzva. The girl is confused about saying she doesn’t want it. The only people who have clear heads in this situation are the parents who truly understand that when their daughter says no, she actually means yes. Everyone else misunderstood.

New poster. I believe the reference to misinterpretation is about the word “forcing.” Many adolescents have to be coerced to a certain extent to perform the daily activities of life. I think OP would benefit from knowing how many kids were coerced and bribed through Bat Mitzvah practice (including me). It’s hard work.