Forcing Adopted Asian Child to have Bat Mitzvah when Child Does not Want It

[Anonymous]

OP— mind your own business. Parents are allowed to bring up their children however they want. If these parents want their child to be culturally aware, then that’s their prerogative. If these parents don’t want their child to know about the Chinese culture, then that’s their prerogative. If these parents want their daughter to have a bat mitzvah, and they don’t want to give her a choice in the matter, then that’s their prerogative. You are obviously more permissive and have a different parenting style and have different values than these parents. What is right for you, it’s not right for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP— mind your own business. Parents are allowed to bring up their children however they want. If these parents want their child to be culturally aware, then that’s their prerogative. If these parents don’t want their child to know about the Chinese culture, then that’s their prerogative. If these parents want their daughter to have a bat mitzvah, and they don’t want to give her a choice in the matter, then that’s their prerogative. You are obviously more permissive and have a different parenting style and have different values than these parents. What is right for you, it’s not right for them.

Please tell me you have not adopted a child from another culture. You frighten me. Stunned at the ignorance.

Also, when children cry out for help to trusted adults they should be listened to. Counseling is absolutely a healthy option to help a family where a member is in significant distress. Choosing therapy is a sign og good parenting when they cannot resolve family issues on their own. A child's mental health matters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP— mind your own business. Parents are allowed to bring up their children however they want. If these parents want their child to be culturally aware, then that’s their prerogative. If these parents don’t want their child to know about the Chinese culture, then that’s their prerogative. If these parents want their daughter to have a bat mitzvah, and they don’t want to give her a choice in the matter, then that’s their prerogative. You are obviously more permissive and have a different parenting style and have different values than these parents. What is right for you, it’s not right for them.

Please tell me you have not adopted a child from another culture. You frighten me. Stunned at the ignorance.

Also, when children cry out for help to trusted adults they should be listened to. Counseling is absolutely a healthy option to help a family where a member is in significant distress. Choosing therapy is a sign og good parenting when they cannot resolve family issues on their own. A child's mental health matters!

+1

[Anonymous]

The child is their child and it doesn’t matter if she was adopted our not.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this child may have been adopted quite late in life? Otherwise, it should be ingrained/implicit as part of her religion, culture, and routine (high holy day services at a minimum) that she would become a bat mitzvah. If she was going to Hebrew school from a young age, again it wouldn't be a "whether" but "when."

As their child, whether adopted or not, they get to decide the religion at this point in her life. I was baptized and confirmed despite wanting little to do with it. I don't see it any differently here just because she is adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this child may have been adopted quite late in life? Otherwise, it should be ingrained/implicit as part of her religion, culture, and routine (high holy day services at a minimum) that she would become a bat mitzvah. If she was going to Hebrew school from a young age, again it wouldn't be a "whether" but "when."

As their child, whether adopted or not, they get to decide the religion at this point in her life. I was baptized and confirmed despite wanting little to do with it. I don't see it any differently here just because she is adopted.

A Bat Mitzvah is a ton of work for one thing. It involves a lot of tutoring together with Hebrew school. If a kid is say struggling in school or just plain stressed out to begin with you really need to evaluate if it's worth it. It's a lot of pressure for some kids and for what exactly? it's no guarantee the kid marries Jewish one day and raises kids Jewish. You don't need proof of Bat Mitzvah to join a shul one day. I don't think I have ever discussed Bat Mitzvah's with Jewish friends other than we say how much we hated the studying and couldn't enjoy the celebration due to nerves. We also discuss how showy and over the top some have become today and how we see young girls dressed like they are going clubbing. Some of my Jewish friends never had them to begin with. The whole meaning of the ritual has changed. These young people are not entering adulthood at 13 and it should be a joyous occasion, not something forced upon a child struggling with identity issues. If anything it should be worked out in therapy if the child is truly distressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this child may have been adopted quite late in life? Otherwise, it should be ingrained/implicit as part of her religion, culture, and routine (high holy day services at a minimum) that she would become a bat mitzvah. If she was going to Hebrew school from a young age, again it wouldn't be a "whether" but "when."

As their child, whether adopted or not, they get to decide the religion at this point in her life. I was baptized and confirmed despite wanting little to do with it. I don't see it any differently here just because she is adopted.

A Bat Mitzvah is a ton of work for one thing. It involves a lot of tutoring together with Hebrew school. If a kid is say struggling in school or just plain stressed out to begin with you really need to evaluate if it's worth it. It's a lot of pressure for some kids and for what exactly? it's no guarantee the kid marries Jewish one day and raises kids Jewish. You don't need proof of Bat Mitzvah to join a shul one day. I don't think I have ever discussed Bat Mitzvah's with Jewish friends other than we say how much we hated the studying and couldn't enjoy the celebration due to nerves. We also discuss how showy and over the top some have become today and how we see young girls dressed like they are going clubbing. Some of my Jewish friends never had them to begin with. The whole meaning of the ritual has changed. These young people are not entering adulthood at 13 and it should be a joyous occasion, not something forced upon a child struggling with identity issues. If anything it should be worked out in therapy if the child is truly distressed.

Fair enough, I guess I'm more traditional. Not in the sense that I think it's absolutely necessary, but "parent's house parent's rules."

[Anonymous]

I was forced to have one and I still suffer from mental health issues due to the stress, shame, and humiliation from the ceremony. Nobody should be forced to take part in any religious ceremony, period.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you Jewish? Im assuming so, which means that you know that most kids have to be forced to go to Hebrew school because they are kids and it is Hebrew school. But if your niece is being raised Jewish a bat mitzvah is kind of expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you Jewish? Im assuming so, which means that you know that most kids have to be forced to go to Hebrew school because they are kids and it is Hebrew school. But if your niece is being raised Jewish a bat mitzvah is kind of expected.

This. Growing ip, none of us liked Hebrew School (especially on Sunday mornings!) or Bra/Bat Mitzvah prep. But it’s what Jewish kids did, just like our Catholic friends went to CCD every week. I won’t comment on the cultural issues raised in OPs post and others, but IMO is the niece is being raised as Jewish in a Jewish family, the Bat Mitzvah thing is a separate issue and not an abnormal expectation of her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you Jewish? Im assuming so, which means that you know that most kids have to be forced to go to Hebrew school because they are kids and it is Hebrew school. But if your niece is being raised Jewish a bat mitzvah is kind of expected.

This. Growing up, none of us liked Hebrew School (especially on Sunday mornings!) or Bar/Bat Mitzvah prep. But it’s what Jewish kids did, just like our Catholic friends went to CCD every week. I won’t comment on the cultural issues raised in OPs post and others, but IMO is the niece is being raised as Jewish in a Jewish family, the Bat Mitzvah thing is a separate issue and not an abnormal expectation of her parents.

Fixed the autocorrect mistakes.