Forcing Adopted Asian Child to have Bat Mitzvah when Child Does not Want It

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also wondering the same. Why mention that the kid is adopted, what does this have to do with bat mitzvah

When you go through the adoption process the social worker wants to make sure you will preserve the child's cultural identity as much as possible. The child's culture is supposed to supersede the parent's.

Right. Your culture is in your genes. Chinese kids are born to like Confucius and Peking duck, it’s in their blood. No bar mitzvah or bagels for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

The adopted child’s mother is also Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

OP's niece is adopted. Her mother is Jewish, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

No it’s not. If the PP looks Chinese, presumably people can’t tell from looking at her that her mother is Jewish. She is responding to a poster who said people aren’t accepted at all synagogues because of the way they look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know two adults who were asian infants adopted by jewish families, and raised jewish. Both hated the process to prepare for their bat mitvah's, but neither regret being "forced" to become members of the religious community they were raised in. It provides traditions to pass on to their own children. Strengthens bonds with their extended families.

I'd tread carefully OP and MYOB. Your niece may have a very different perspective on this as an adult, and regret not having a bar mitvah.

Most Jewish kids hate preparing for the bat or bat mitzvah regardless of their origins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

No it’s not. If the PP looks Chinese, presumably people can’t tell from looking at her that her mother is Jewish. She is responding to a poster who said people aren’t accepted at all synagogues because of the way they look.

Young Jews of color have written a lot on the internet about their experiences the first time they showed up at Hillel in college or their neighborhood synagogue as a twenty-something. Sometimes it goes beyond stares. Some people have been approached with the assumption they are mistakenly there. Others have been challenging in a hostile way. Obviously, not every Jew of color has that experience and not every community is initially unwelcoming, but it happens enough that adoptive parents should practice with their child how to cope with it. The community they entered as an infant or toddler is used to their non-European appearance. Elsewhere might be unprepared. Especially in this day and age with security concerns, some congregants are are on edge and think they need to look out for someone who “doesn’t belong”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

No it’s not. If the PP looks Chinese, presumably people can’t tell from looking at her that her mother is Jewish. She is responding to a poster who said people aren’t accepted at all synagogues because of the way they look.

Young Jews of color have written a lot on the internet about their experiences the first time they showed up at Hillel in college or their neighborhood synagogue as a twenty-something. Sometimes it goes beyond stares. Some people have been approached with the assumption they are mistakenly there. Others have been challenging in a hostile way. Obviously, not every Jew of color has that experience and not every community is initially unwelcoming, but it happens enough that adoptive parents should practice with their child how to cope with it. The community they entered as an infant or toddler is used to their non-European appearance. Elsewhere might be unprepared. Especially in this day and age with security concerns, some congregants are are on edge and think they need to look out for someone who “doesn’t belong”.

There’s a tradition in this country—even among Jews—of “Ashke-normativism,” my favorite phrase from the podcast Unorthodox. This is the thought that all Jews look like Eastern European Jews, that all Jewish food is Eastern European Jewish food (bagels, matzah balls, etc), and that all Jews speak the same languages, among other things.

There’s a movement towards being more inclusive in ideas of what “a Jew” looks like, eats, believes, sounds like, currently underway, but it’ll take a while. Many of use are educating ourselves and our children in an effort to make our communities more inclusive. The hope is that it won’t take too long!

[Anonymous]

I don’t see what the child being adopted has to do with anything. If we adopted a child I’d assume they would observe our religion at least until adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL fully admit they are forcing their daughter from Asia to have a Bat Mitzvah even though there is no family pressure on either side to have one. The daughter makes it very clear she doesn't want it. I should also note they have both been great about making sure their daughter learns about her own culture too. They have taken her to events, signed her up for cultural groups and activities, encouraged friendships. However, chances are she is not a member of the very small sect of Chinese Jews in China so I just don't understand pushing an agenda she doesn't want. She has complained to me and they have complained about how they basically are bribing her to do it. I did suggest it may be helpful to find a family therapist savvy to these issues with adoption to sort this out. I am not an expert, but I don't see the point in forcing this even on a child who was born into a Jewish family. We didn't make our own kids do it.

Sounds like child abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

No it’s not. If the PP looks Chinese, presumably people can’t tell from looking at her that her mother is Jewish. She is responding to a poster who said people aren’t accepted at all synagogues because of the way they look.

Young Jews of color have written a lot on the internet about their experiences the first time they showed up at Hillel in college or their neighborhood synagogue as a twenty-something. Sometimes it goes beyond stares. Some people have been approached with the assumption they are mistakenly there. Others have been challenging in a hostile way. Obviously, not every Jew of color has that experience and not every community is initially unwelcoming, but it happens enough that adoptive parents should practice with their child how to cope with it. The community they entered as an infant or toddler is used to their non-European appearance. Elsewhere might be unprepared. Especially in this day and age with security concerns, some congregants are are on edge and think they need to look out for someone who “doesn’t belong”.

You're misconstruing what you've read.
You're talking about 2 VERY specific communities in the Jewish religion, not Jews as a whole.

The othodox & hasidic communities are not very welcoming to anyone unlike them, as they've been the target of harassment forever.

I was raised as a reform Jew & the hasidic community would be unwelcoming of ME... a Jew!

What you're talking about has NOTHING to do with the color of their skin & everything to do with the WAY they practice Judaism.

You might think I'd be more welcoming because I look very Jewish, right? You'd be very wrong.

It's not the color of their skin that's a dead giveaway -- it's the way they're dressed, it's who they're with, it's how you carry yourself & it's how you approach them.

If a Chinese or black person approached the orthodox community dressed like them, with a beard, payes, dark suit & tallit, they would never, EVER approach them in a hostile manner, because they'd look like they belonged there.
They might be curious about their back story, but they certainly would never shun them, as they're showing great respect to their traditions (which mean everything to them).

Reformed & Conservative Jews are welcoming of all colors, shapes, sizes & flavors to their congregation... the more, the merrier!
Jews have been targeted & persecuted for thousands of years; I promise you that they don't treat others the way they've been treated.

[Anonymous]

I think brother and SIL have the right to decide how they will raise their children. There will be many times when the child needs some coaxing to participate. Totally normal across all faiths with all children, biological or adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

No it’s not. If the PP looks Chinese, presumably people can’t tell from looking at her that her mother is Jewish. She is responding to a poster who said people aren’t accepted at all synagogues because of the way they look.

Young Jews of color have written a lot on the internet about their experiences the first time they showed up at Hillel in college or their neighborhood synagogue as a twenty-something. Sometimes it goes beyond stares. Some people have been approached with the assumption they are mistakenly there. Others have been challenging in a hostile way. Obviously, not every Jew of color has that experience and not every community is initially unwelcoming, but it happens enough that adoptive parents should practice with their child how to cope with it. The community they entered as an infant or toddler is used to their non-European appearance. Elsewhere might be unprepared. Especially in this day and age with security concerns, some congregants are are on edge and think they need to look out for someone who “doesn’t belong”.

You're misconstruing what you've read.
You're talking about 2 VERY specific communities in the Jewish religion, not Jews as a whole.

The othodox & hasidic communities are not very welcoming to anyone unlike them, as they've been the target of harassment forever.

I was raised as a reform Jew & the hasidic community would be unwelcoming of ME... a Jew!

What you're talking about has NOTHING to do with the color of their skin & everything to do with the WAY they practice Judaism.

You might think I'd be more welcoming because I look very Jewish, right? You'd be very wrong.

It's not the color of their skin that's a dead giveaway -- it's the way they're dressed, it's who they're with, it's how you carry yourself & it's how you approach them.

If a Chinese or black person approached the orthodox community dressed like them, with a beard, payes, dark suit & tallit, they would never, EVER approach them in a hostile manner, because they'd look like they belonged there.
They might be curious about their back story, but they certainly would never shun them, as they're showing great respect to their traditions (which mean everything to them).

Reformed & Conservative Jews are welcoming of all colors, shapes, sizes & flavors to their congregation... the more, the merrier!
Jews have been targeted & persecuted for thousands of years; I promise you that they don't treat others the way they've been treated.

What are you reading that says Orthodox or Hasidic to you?

[Anonymous]

The parents just want to have a show off party. Tee for tat for the parties they had to go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But one can be both Chinese—the ethnicity—and Jewish—the religion.

DP. Here’s what I told my former SIL about the difference between her transracially adopted son and her friend’s adopted white son who is the same race. “Your child’s face tells part of his story. He can’t easily step into any shul in the US and be accepted the way Friend’s white son can. Give him options for finding community.”

This, so this.

My father is Chinese. My mom is Polish and Jewish. They met in Ny. I was raised Jewish. My facial features are clearly Chinese. I have always been welcome in any shul I’ve entered. I have never found it difficult to become a part of the multiple Jewish communities that I have lived in due to my facial features.

That’s entirely different and you know it. Your mother is Jewish.

+1. What a dumba$$ post.

No it’s not. If the PP looks Chinese, presumably people can’t tell from looking at her that her mother is Jewish. She is responding to a poster who said people aren’t accepted at all synagogues because of the way they look.

Young Jews of color have written a lot on the internet about their experiences the first time they showed up at Hillel in college or their neighborhood synagogue as a twenty-something. Sometimes it goes beyond stares. Some people have been approached with the assumption they are mistakenly there. Others have been challenging in a hostile way. Obviously, not every Jew of color has that experience and not every community is initially unwelcoming, but it happens enough that adoptive parents should practice with their child how to cope with it. The community they entered as an infant or toddler is used to their non-European appearance. Elsewhere might be unprepared. Especially in this day and age with security concerns, some congregants are are on edge and think they need to look out for someone who “doesn’t belong”.

You're misconstruing what you've read.
You're talking about 2 VERY specific communities in the Jewish religion, not Jews as a whole.

The othodox & hasidic communities are not very welcoming to anyone unlike them, as they've been the target of harassment forever.

I was raised as a reform Jew & the hasidic community would be unwelcoming of ME... a Jew!

What you're talking about has NOTHING to do with the color of their skin & everything to do with the WAY they practice Judaism.

You might think I'd be more welcoming because I look very Jewish, right? You'd be very wrong.

It's not the color of their skin that's a dead giveaway -- it's the way they're dressed, it's who they're with, it's how you carry yourself & it's how you approach them.

If a Chinese or black person approached the orthodox community dressed like them, with a beard, payes, dark suit & tallit, they would never, EVER approach them in a hostile manner, because they'd look like they belonged there.
They might be curious about their back story, but they certainly would never shun them, as they're showing great respect to their traditions (which mean everything to them).

Reformed & Conservative Jews are welcoming of all colors, shapes, sizes & flavors to their congregation... the more, the merrier!
Jews have been targeted & persecuted for thousands of years; I promise you that they don't treat others the way they've been treated.

Great post, pp.
I agree with all of this, the pp befor this isn't talking about being accepted into the congregations of local synagogues, they're talking about Hillel (big difference!).

I was raised orthodox -- conservative jew now.

The orthodox and hasidic communities would have their guard up because as the pp states, they've been targeted for persecution, harassment and violence since the beginning of time. Can you blame them?

Conservatives and reform -- without a doubt are more inclusive and welcoming. I've seen it first hand at our congregation. We have black, Asian, Indian and African Jews in our congregation.
All were welcome with open arms, all were treated with love and respect.

Students of Hillel (many of my cousins have gone to Hillel) are always either extreme conservatives, orthodox or hasidic, although the pp who mentioned Hillel didn't bother to differentiate them from local synagogues for some reason?