MIL moved in and it’s not going well
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Anonymous
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Hello, looking for some kind advice, please, as I’m really struggling:
Two years ago, my MIL sold her house in California and moved to DC where she, my husband and I bought a house together. She is now 79. Thankfully, she has good health and pretty good mobility. Before the move, she and I got along great. She volunteered, met friends, and went to the casino once a week. Now that she’s in DC, it seems she doesn’t want to do anything. She stays home most days and only really goes to the casino and Whole Foods. She’s made a few friends but doesn't, from my perspective, take advantage at all of all the wonderful (and free or cheap) things DC has to offer. We live two blocks from a senior center. She went once. She never goes to museums or talks. We ask if we can help make her feel more comfortable and settled in, and she responds that she’s fine. She acts like the house is my husband’s and mine, which is awkward and uncomfortable to us. Because she doesn’t do anything all day, dinner time is torture because we have nothing to talk about. I feel like I’m constantly making small talk. She walks the dog, which is a huge help, but if I have to hear about my dog’s bathroom habits or talk about the weather at dinner because she has nothing else to tell us about, I’m going to go insane. Another complication: Her relationship with my husband isn’t great. She was a single mother and he’s an only child but she worked a lot and they’ve never been good at communicating. Neither shares details with the other which also puts me in a hard position because I’m often mediating between the two when he gets annoyed with her. My husband has suggested they go to therapy and she refused. I realize this isn’t as organized as I’d like, but here’s what I’m struggling with: -What can I do to try to make her more comfortable in our house -What can I talk to her about when she doesn’t have a lot to contribute and we have different interests. I’ve asked about her younger years and family. -How can I increase my patience with her? We work long days and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to be in an awkward situation, and I get frustrated when she just sits and stares at me while I’m cooking. I fear my relationship with her, which used to be great and why I thought this move would good for all of us, is deteriorating and I’m sad about it. -If she doesn’t speak up with her wants and needs, what can I do? Give up? Keep asking if she’s happy? I’m at a loss. She’s an incredibly kind and giving woman, but this situation is not going well and I feel like everything I’ve tried to make it better has not worked. Again, please be kind and provide any productive thoughts about any of the issues I’ve set forth. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL sounds really nice and low-key. Why on earth do you want to push her out of her comfort zone? Why is your husband getting annoyed? What does it matter if you have a quiet dinner, instead of forced small talk? ????? My parents are like your MIL - they live in Paris and don't do anything. I will be like them - I don't like doing too many things either. God forbid my DIL throw that at me as if it were a character flaw! You and your husband sound like terrible people. Let her be. |
Anonymous
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You said before she moved that she volunteered. What type of place did she volunteer at? Maybe you can find something similar. Talk to the Senior center staff and find a place that she could volunteer at with others. Go with her a few times and then maybe have a last minute "conflict" so she has to go without you and see if it is ok. Meeting new friends can be hard at any age. Maybe she just needs a little help finding a place to fit in.
Do you have any friends with mothers nearby. Maybe do a lunch together so she can meet them in a more natural way. |
Anonymous
| It is your house. You posted what can I do to make her feel more comfortable in "our" house. Stop imposing what you think her life should be and let her live hers. Find a conversation. Maybe she wants her own place. There are income based senior housing and you can help out with the extra's if money is an issue. |
Anonymous
OP said MIL bought the house with them, so it's her house too. |
Anonymous
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Op, you and your husband are in the wrong.
The woman has been on Earth for 79 years, she knows whether she wants to go out and whether she wants to talk. Her communication with your husband will never improve because, did I mention this, she is 79!!! Her habits and preferences are not up to you! What I would give for my mother to sit quietly through dinner instead of haranguing me and my husband, criticizing us, or just insulting us and verbally abusing us. |
Anonymous
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I think the original post sounds thoughtful and I wish OP Luck.
A move of that nature is a struggle for anyone but especially as one ages. As one ages depression can be somewhat common. Maybe share with her that you feel the move has changed your relationship and you feel sad and miss her spark? Maybe she misses her spark too? |
Anonymous
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Talk about the weather, daily news, your day, your husband's day, TV/books/movies/music, other family, upcoming events.
Stop pushing her to go out. She may think she is underfoot too much and not wanted around. She may feel like an intruder. Does she like to cook or bake at all? Any family recipes you would like her to show you. Maybe have her record somehow some of her favourite memories of her life. Any old photo albums? See if you can get not only names but little stories to go along with the pictures. Have some of her favourite music available for her to listen to. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP. I feel for you. It is difficult as our parents get older keeping them engaged. A move is a big adjustment and she may be a little depressed - it is a big adjustment to start over even if she puts on a brave face, and meeting friends can be difficult. Is she religious? The church community has been my moms saving grace - it's not my thing, but it's hers and became her life after my father passed. She volunteered on various committees and made many friends. Is she helpful? Does she like to cook? Would she be able to help with dinner prep (and would she enjoy it?). My mom is a Martha Stewart type and loves to help with meal prep and things around the house. I know this is not for everybody (yes - she really liked doing things like gardening and cleaning silver and cooking - so these sorts of things kept her happy and busy and helped me out too. Whatever her interests - identify them and try to support her and get some structure in her life. My mom was in a knitting group and the church groups. My friends moms have kept busy with book clubs, art/painting and bridge. It's a very individual thing - and I sort of lucked out that homemaking was my moms thing - but be patient. You sound like a wonderful daughter in law and I'm a believer that having projects during the day that she enjoys may be what she needs to get her feeling more comfortable and confident in her new environment. Take care and good luck. i also enjoy having my friends over for tea or cocktails or going to lunch and inviting my mom along. It sometimes helps to bring others around - my mom really enjoys the interaction and has met many of my friends AND parents that are visiting or in the same situation. If she enjoys children perhaps she could become a reader at one of the elementary schools. There are many opportunities in this area for enrichment. Hang in there and take one day at a time. |
Anonymous
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1. You need to repeat to her that you want to help her feel comfortable in HER house. Are there things she would like to change or things she would like to have?
2. Can you instigate movie night? Poker/rummy/bridge night? Maybe see if she would play some card game on an iPad. Do the NYTs crossword together? 3. You need to let go of your assumptions that this is awkward instead of peaceful. See if you can get into playing soft music while you cook. Ask her for recipes and one night a week let her pick the meal. If she offers to help, let her. Maybe ask her to share a cup of tea before you cook. No need to talk, just relax and tell her minor blurbs from work. 4. Not everyone needs to be happy to be content. You need to worry less about her and more about learning to ease your tension. It’s a hard adjustment to make, everyone has had to give up something to live together. The sheer presence of someone who cares may be all she needs. Try not to walk on eggshells around her. It will be obvious, but easily misinterpreted as her fault in her mind’s eye. She is the vulnerable one here. She is the one totally dependent on living there so she may be trying very hard to make her presence as negligible as possible. You cannot force her to be active in a new environment. You can help her feel confident enough to explore, but you made need to hold her hand a few times while you check out new places. |
Anonymous
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You don’t have to make conversation all the time. Check your phone or read a book or paper.
I was expecting to read about a MIL from hell but no... Also, when you have kids, she will be very helpful I bet. |
Anonymous
Okay, my mom moved in this year so I feel your pain! I was so worried about this kind of situation but I have to say you're halfway there with the fact that your MIL is low-drama and in your words "incredibly kind and giving." You have to start from focusing on the fact that you don't have any real problems with her, you just have concerns that she's not as happy as she could be. So, first: take her at her word. She was a hard working single mom in your telling; maybe she never really got a chance to relax, not have a schedule to keep to, read a book. Let her be as lazy as she wants. To make her more comfortable, why not suggest a decoration / redecoration project? Either art/furniture for the shared spaces, or for her to make her own bedroom/bathroom nicer and more personalized? Even something as simple as picking paint colors, picking flowers to plant in the spring, could make her feel more of an owner than a guest. You can talk about your day if hers wasn't interesting. Ask her advice, get her input, tell her funny stories about coworkers. Treat her like a friend and see if she responds. For the "staring while I cook" thing - ask her to grab things for you, chop this or season that. She can pick the wine to go with dinner and uncork it. She can pick the music to put on while you cook. She can pick the menu on a set day of the week and be in charge of dinner. Honestly if you never ask her to pitch in I can understand why she might have a guest dynamic with you rather than co-owner. You can keep suggesting fun/free things to do, but it might take you doing them with her, at least at first. Have her meet you at Jazz in the Garden for happy hour and then grab dinner downtown. Or have her get to a free movie early to save a spot for you and DH, and meet her there with a picnic after work. Once she sees how much free fun stuff there is she might get really into it. Or it might not be for her, and you won't have to feel bad about it. (My mom has become a real chamber of commerce-level booster for DTSS. We live in DC. Who knows what will happen?) But the main thing is to remind yourself: you don't actually have a problem! She hasn't said she's unhappy, she hasn't started picking fights, you still like each other. You just have a "hostess" hat on and want to know she's having a wonderful time. If you don't want her to be a guest, don't make yourself be a hostess. You can both relax a bit. |
Anonymous
| OP here. For those who have offered positive suggestions, I’m incredibly grateful for your perspective and ideas. I’m looking forward to trying out some of them ASAP. Thank you again. |
Anonymous
Financially it is a shared house, but its very uncomfortable being the solo person in this situation. She left her friends and everything she knew. We did that to my MIL and move her here and it was a hard transition and she relied on me for everything. |
Anonymous
| If she is 79, could she be having memory and other issues she doesn't realize she is having. My MIL had early onset dementia (much younger) and no one really realized it but looking back it all made sense. Her functioning and independence declined. At 79, its hard making new friends. |