Reply to MIL moved in and it’s not going well

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I realize this isn’t as organized as I’d like, but here’s what I’m struggling with:

-What can I do to try to make her more comfortable in our house
-What can I talk to her about when she doesn’t have a lot to contribute and we have different interests. I’ve asked about her younger years and family. 
-How can I increase my patience with her? We work long days and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to be in an awkward situation, and I get frustrated when she just sits and stares at me while I’m cooking. I fear my relationship with her, which used to be great and why I thought this move would good for all of us, is deteriorating and I’m sad about it. 
-If she doesn’t speak up with her wants and needs, what can I do? Give up? Keep asking if she’s happy? I’m at a loss.

[/quote]

Okay, my mom moved in this year so I feel your pain!  I was so worried about this kind of situation but I have to say you're halfway there with the fact that your MIL is low-drama and in your words "incredibly kind and giving."  You have to start from focusing on the fact that you don't have any real problems with her, you just have concerns that she's not as happy as she could be.  So, first: take her at her word.  She was a hard working single mom in your telling; maybe she never really got a chance to relax, not have a schedule to keep to, read a book.  Let her be as lazy as she wants.

To make her more comfortable, why not suggest a decoration / redecoration project?  Either art/furniture for the shared spaces, or for her to make her own bedroom/bathroom nicer and more personalized?  Even something as simple as picking paint colors, picking flowers to plant in the spring, could make her feel more of an owner than a guest.

You can talk about your day if hers wasn't interesting.  Ask her advice, get her input, tell her funny stories about coworkers.  Treat her like a friend and see if she responds.

For the "staring while I cook" thing - ask her to grab things for you, chop this or season that.  She can pick the wine to go with dinner and uncork it.  She can pick the music to put on while you cook.  She can pick the menu on a set day of the week and be in charge of dinner.  Honestly if you never ask her to pitch in I can understand why she might have a guest dynamic with you rather than co-owner.

You can keep suggesting fun/free things to do, but it might take you doing them with her, at least at first.  Have her meet you at Jazz in the Garden for happy hour and then grab dinner downtown.  Or have her get to a free movie early to save a spot for you and DH, and meet her there with a picnic after work.  Once she sees how much free fun stuff there is she might get really into it.  Or it might not be for her, and you won't have to feel bad about it.  (My mom has become a real chamber of commerce-level booster for DTSS.  We live in DC.  Who knows what will happen?)

But the main thing is to remind yourself: you don't actually have a problem!  She hasn't said she's unhappy, she hasn't started picking fights, you still like each other.  You just have a "hostess" hat on and want to know she's having a wonderful time.  If you don't want her to be a guest, don't make yourself be a hostess.  You can both relax a bit.[/quote]

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