MIL moved in and it’s not going well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a TV. Put it in the kitchen. Turn it on during dinner. You’re welcome.

Definitely this! I have a 78 year old MIL who also moved across the country to be with us (in an apartment a short walk away). Making friends at that age is hard and MIL also has a bit of dementia which makes conversations even harder. TV while I'm cooking is key. The news gives us something to talk about, and fills the silence.

Also, we tried a bunch of different avenues for getting her out (senior center, etc) but the only that has worked so far is for her to meet a personal trainer twice a week during the day at a nearby gym. She also likes to "help" with our one child left at home, a 14 year old. He doesn't need babysitting but he enjoys having someone around for dinner if we are out, and my MIL loves to be asked to be with him.

It is a huge adjustment for all of us, having her with us after nearly 25 years of only seeing her once or twice a year. It was the right choice though, as she doesn't drive and was becoming increasingly isolated in her old location once my FIL passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You and your husband sound like terrible people. Let her be.

This is harsh and unfair. OP is thinking about the comfort of everyone involved, not just her own, and it is fair for her to want to feel comfortable in her own home. She is clearly concerned about her MIL's happiness and comfort and about preserving their good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Now that she’s in DC, it seems she doesn’t want to do anything. She stays home most days and only really goes to the casino and Whole Foods. She’s made a few friends but doesn't, from my perspective, take advantage at all of all the wonderful (and free or cheap) things DC has to offer. We live two blocks from a senior center. She went once. She never goes to museums or talks. We ask if we can help make her feel more comfortable and settled in, and she responds that she’s fine. She acts like the house is my husband’s and mine, which is awkward and uncomfortable to us. Because she doesn’t do anything all day, dinner time is torture because we have nothing to talk about. I feel like I’m constantly making small talk. She walks the dog, which is a huge help, but if I have to hear about my dog’s bathroom habits or talk about the weather at dinner because she has nothing else to tell us about, I’m going to go insane. Another complication: Her relationship with my husband isn’t great. She was a single mother and he’s an only child but she worked a lot and they’ve never been good at communicating.

OP, ALL this is unimportant

Here's what your goals should be:

- If dinnertime is uncomfortable, shorten it
- Her life is her life. You do not get to decide if she's doing it right. Your opinion is unimportant re: how YOU think she should spend her time
- Her relationship with her son, their relationship, is not your business - at all - unless they are yelling at each other in front of you.

[Anonymous]

(9:56 here) BTW, I'm probably closer to MIL's age than to yours. The last thing she wants is to be judged. Let her stare. She's getting old. Her mind is getting older. She's not in the same place, as you, mentally. You need to chill. A lot. If you don't like the experience of being with her, be with her less.

[Anonymous]

Can you find the schedule of activities for the senior center and see if they have bingo? If she likes the casino maybe she will go to bingo and eventually meet someone there.

[Anonymous]

OP, she might just be an introvert and the expectation to constantly chat and interact may be exhausting and unwelcome. It's ok to eat dinner in silence some days - I realize it might feel awkward for you, but it's probably more awkward to have to force conversation. It's ok for her not to schedule a bunch of activities and it's ok if she wants to sit around and do nothing. If you are worried about depression, even then the only thing you can do is gently bring it up with her... she is an adult and you really cannot push her to do anything about it or to be more active.

Keep making occasional suggestions. "Hey, did you know the X museum has an X exhibition right now? Sounds so interesting!" "Oh look, the senior center has bingo on Tuesdays." If she doesn't bite, there is nothing more you can do.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks again for the very helpful thoughts and suggestions, and especially those who responded with kindness. There are so many comments, I'm sorry I won't be able to respond directly to each, but here are a few additional thoughts:

Remembering to have a different perspective and to meet her where she is are really helpful reminders. I don't think either she or we see her as aging. I'm extremely thankful that she is in such good health, has a good appetite, takes care of herself financially, and is very sharp mentally, but she may physically be slowing down, which I could appreciate better. Perhaps 1-2 trips to the store each week and daily dog walking are sufficient. Being 40 years younger, if I had all that time to do whatever I wanted, I'd want to explore my new city, but need to recognize she may need to take it easy. It's hard to remember that because when she's had friends visit us, she puts together a non-stop packed schedule and walks miles!

I also really liked the comment of not acting like a hostess if I didn't want her to feel like a guest. Very much hit home. I also really like the suggestion of helping her with a project in her space. She has the whole bottom floor of our row home, which is brand new and built out with her own office/living space, bathroom, bedroom, and entry, but some painting or something else could make it feel even more like hers.

She stopped driving once she moved here, and is a total pro at getting around on the bus and metro (and chatting it up with all sorts of types of folks while doing it). She even takes public transportation down to MGM, which is a feat of patience and skill. I'm impressed about her ability to get around when she does get out.

No kids yet for us, but once we do, I know she will love to help out. I love the genealogy idea, and us having a baby could be a good segue.

I also wasn't aware of the Village concept, and it turns out we have one in our neighborhood. I've sent her info and reached out myself to find out about volunteering.

This poster's (07/30/2019 22:08) comments are really insightful and something I'll reflect upon going forward.

It was her idea and decision to make the move, and I recognize she gave up far more than us to make this happen. In general, I've just been surprised (and sad) that this has been so much harder of an adjustment for us all. Given the strength of my relationship with her, I mistakenly thought this would be a lot easier, so have perhaps spent too much time overcompensating and focused on whether she is happy or not, thereby adding to awkwardness.

I'm feeling much more positive about things today. I realize our challenges could be far far worse. Thank you again for your thoughts and ideas.

[Anonymous]

The young don’t really understand the old I’ve found. My grand children just don’t understand how we feel. Time passes so quickly for us. One minute you wake up, the next it’s lunch, then before you know it it’s 9:30 pm. Everything takes so long also. Getting dressed in the morning. Getting dressed for dinner. Taking that required walk.
The grand children are always asking us if we would live to go to DC and look at a museum. Or go to a show. Or volunteer. Or remodel the house. Because they have all this energy!
But we are happy with our books and TV shows and games and watching you cook. It’s very different.
OP you sound very kind. But it could be MIL perfectly happy to go at her own very slow pace.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound kind.


- stop trying to micro-manage her activities and feelings

- she may be doing all that she wants to do( my 80 yr old dad spends most days on the computer-- goes to the gym 3 days a week. Not exciting to me but he's old enough to do whatever the heck he wants, who am I to judge.

- if there is nothing to talk about, don't force it

- she's navigating a BIG adjustment

- you husband can go to therapy, his mom does not have to go as well. what he learns may help him learn how to better navigate the relationship

- Just let things BE

[Anonymous]

Wow, you are a saint, she is a saint, this has got to work out! Perhaps allow her some space and time to find her rhythm, she will meet people walking the dog eventually. Like the poster above, do some stuff with her. Have her switch a load of laundry for you once in awhile, or chop something, just so you have something to bond and discuss. And guess what, 79 is not old so she is ready for a next chapter.

[Anonymous]

79 is OLD. Let her BE old. She doesn’t have to do all these activities you would do at age 40. She twice that old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:79 is OLD. Let her BE old. She doesn’t have to do all these activities you would do at age 40. She twice that old.

Are you 79? It's a perspective issue. I am not comparing her with 40 and 50 year olds. 79 does what 79 does and she'll get around to it in her own sweet time. More than anything else I admire the poster for caring enough to post without any digs, her MIL could not have landed in a sweeter spot.

[Anonymous]

The only times I’ve seen this work is when the wife’s mom is close to her daughter and son-in-law and can contribute to the household. It works because the daughter is used to her mother’s living habits and loves her mother deeply.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe she would be happier in her own apartment in a senior living type facility? My mom lives in one. She has friends she eats meals with, and they have daily activities and various outings. Perhaps she is just feeling isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your MIL sounds really nice and low-key.

Why on earth do you want to push her out of her comfort zone? Why is your husband getting annoyed? What does it matter if you have a quiet dinner, instead of forced small talk? ?????

My parents are like your MIL - they live in Paris and don't do anything. I will be like them - I don't like doing too many things either. God forbid my DIL throw that at me as if it were a character flaw!

You and your husband sound like terrible people. Let her be.

What an unhelpful and terrible response. Shame on you.