MIL moved in and it’s not going well
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Anonymous
This might be what’s going on. She has left her life and friends to love across the country and doesn’t feel like the house you bought together is “home”. Do you have children? What is her role with them? Are there other retirees in your neighborhood that she can meet? Are there social groups or a neighborhood list serv she (or you) can lost to looking to meet people? I was in a similar situation (though much younger than your MIL) moved cross country, left my home and friends to follow DH here for his job. It was pretty miserable for the first few years. I had no friends, and was a SAH mom to an infant so didn’t have any way to meet other adults. I was getting so depressed that I started a book club through my neighborhood list serv. Maybe she could do something like that? Does she have any hobbies? Does she like art? Sewing? Gardening? I think she needs a social life outside you and your DH. |
Anonymous
| *move |
Anonymous
| Can she use a computer? Would she be interested in genealogy? It is incredible how much you can find on Ancestry. Would she like a project of documenting her side of the family? |
Anonymous
Wasn't there a 89-year-old who climbed some mountain in Africa this past week? |
Anonymous
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Kudos to you, OP. You sound like a warm and loving DIL. Both your DH and your MIL are very lucky to have you!!!
Are you on Next Door? Could you post a message to see if anyone else has their parent living with them in your neighborhood? You could perhaps start your own support group AND you could also maybe do a movie night or game night a couple times a month as a nice social outlet. Also, how does your MIL get around during the day? Does she drive? If she does then that's great. Does she feel comfortable driving to some of the places you mentioned, like the museums or the library or even a coffee shop, or is that intimidating to her? Maybe have her practice driving with you in the passenger seat so that she gets the experience going from home to New Place A or New Place B, etc. If she doesn't drive, then does she have a cell phone (and know how to use it) so she can utilize Uber or Lyft? And has she used them either with you or by herself? Finally, for things like the dinner time and cooking, remember that your perception of her 'staring' while you cook could just be a comfortable silence for her. She may just be happy to be in the room. So put on some music or the tv to give yourselves a little noise coverage, and go from there. And perhaps hand her a cutting board and ask her to chop the vegetables or set the table! Hugs! |
Anonymous
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You may have already done this but if you haven't, make sure there is at least one or two spaces in the house that belong just to her. Probably her bedroom and a sitting room, but maybe also a porch or patio, a den or office, but just someplace she can think of as her private space, to be alone but also to decorate or entertain a friend or relative by herself.
At the same time, don't make her feel like you want her to stay in her space, make her feel welcome in all the living spaces at the house, which it sounds like you are already doing. Maybe suggest she invite a friend or relative to come visit? Then if they do maybe she would go sightseeing or to the casino or a movie with them? Just some thoughts. |
Anonymous
One final point … joining new groups is a good idea for expanding her social contact but remember that all new groups are not created equal. My mom has especially found that some of the retiree groups she's joined have not been especially welcoming to newcomers. For 3 out of 4 groups there have been at least one or two Queen Bees who just weren't very nice. It was weird to see because my mom gets along with everyone! The first time I thought it was just that mom had annoyed someone, which would be unusual but it could happen. The second time was the same - there was one lady on the newsletter committee who didn't want anyone doing anything that she didn't dictate but then she complained mightily about how overworked she was. The third group I was actually with her at a meeting (book club) and witnessed the downright rude and hostile behavior by one woman towards my mom and another newcomer. The fourth group (a different book club) was a match. She also joined two groups at church, and those are going every well too! |
Anonymous
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It sounds like a work in process, OP, but you're doing some things right without even knowing it. If your MIL were desperately unhappy or couldn't stand you or DH, then she wouldn't be seeking your companionship when you're at home. She is with you for a reason when you're in the kitchen making dinner. It would be easy enough for her to avoid you but instead she is choosing to be with you. Take that as a compliment and build on it.
She may be nervous about going new places on your own. Could you and your husband start planning like one "field trip" a week with her? Go to a museum using whatever method of transportation she would use by herself, tour the museum, get a snack or lunch like she would if she was alone, then go home. Or sign up for a cooking class at Sur La Table, just the two of you, and make something fun. Or have DH take her out for a movie. Do you belong to a church? A lot of churches have senior groups and activities. And what about exercise? At 79 it is highly probable that her physician would write her a script for PT to keep her active and exercising. She would have to get there/back but the PT is a good way for her to spend some time out of the house. |
Anonymous
| The way I see it, theirs is an unusual arrangement in the US. If you tell people you live with your in-laws here, people will generally give you a look of sympathy. So I think MIL may feel like she's imposing on you even though she owns one-third of your place. |
Anonymous
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I agree she needs a life outside the house. Doesn't matter what, church has been suggested, I will add 2 more:
Oasis is a senior group that does everything from bridge to see a movie together to road trips to NYC to see a show. It's like a Recreation department for seniors. Encore Chorale - a nonprofit singing group for seniors - you don't have to be a great singer - just want to sing! |
Anonymous
| you want her to be a tourist? |
Anonymous
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If she used to go to the casino regularly where she lived before, have you been to MGM or any of the other casinos in this area? Or does she like Bingo? A lot of churches and other organizations hold regular Bingo nights.
Or how about game night? Are there any other families in the area with multiple generations at home where you could have a joint game night? You could set up a few areas for people to play some Scrabble or poker or Monopoly. You could send out a message on a neighborhood list serve to see if there is any interest. |
Anonymous
| Get a TV. Put it in the kitchen. Turn it on during dinner. You’re welcome. |
Anonymous
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OP, do you have a "village" in your area? Lots of places are starting to have these not for profit, "aging in place" villages starting. You sign up, maybe pay a yearly fee, and get access to all sorts of volunteers.
People in our village make weekly social visits, or organize games, concerts and social events. Your MIL might not want to go out much, but my be agreeable to having a weekly visit, even someone just to stop by and sit and knit and chat. Here's a list of "Villages" in DC https://www.vtvnetwork.org/content.aspx?page_id=1905&club_id=691012#search_results |
Anonymous
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Here's an example: Dupont Circle Village
https://www.dupontcirclevillage.net/ |