Friends divorced: ex-wife mad at me for accepting family invitation from ex-husband for 4th of July

[Anonymous]

My husband and I met a wonderful couple friend 5 years ago. We spent holidays together. Our kids were close and their kids called us "Aunt and Uncle" and our kids called them the same. We were family. We loved them both but naturally during gatherings the men stuck together and the women did. Sometimes the wife and I would do girls stuff, sans the families. And sometimes the men too. Well a year ago their divorce was finalized. It was devastating to all involved. DH and I did not choose sides. How could we? We met them as a couple so our love for each was equal.

Well, all was well until I dared to accept a 4th of July bbq invitation that the ex-husband extended to my whole family. I guess she expected me not to go but I went with my children and husband. It was just the ex-husband, their children, and his family. There were no women or anything. But the ex-wife, my friend, is mad I went and refuses to talk to me or take my calls.

Ironically when we arrived on the 4th, the ex-husband said "I'm sorry I put you in this position" and I didn't know what he was talking about. What position I thought? Now I see. Why is she mad at me? Our kids are like cousins. Did she want me to not let my kids see hers on the 4th? Did she want me to send my whole family but I stay home on the 4th? I would equally have gone to her home had she invited us. We weren't choosing sides. We were just celebrating with someone who invited our whole family over.

What can I do? I miss my friend.

[Anonymous]

I am of the opinion that its impossible to stay mutual friends with a couple after they divorce.
You didn't do anything wrong, It's just one of those things.

[Anonymous]

Basically you were mostly her friend going by your post. You talked with her, your husband with him at get togethers. Most divorces are not amicable, apparently this one wasn't either. Do you know why they divorced?

If my friend went to my ex husbands house I'd be shocked. Especially if he back stabbed me in some way. You could see her and the kids at your friends house. This is what she expected.

[Anonymous]

I would just re-iterate to her that you love both of them, and that your door remains open to her going forward.

Do you have some inkling as to the cause of the divorce? Was there cheating involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am of the opinion that its impossible to stay mutual friends with a couple after they divorce.
You didn't do anything wrong, It's just one of those things.

Divorced people act crazy. They try to divide up their friends as if you are the china set from their wedding. Eventually I think this behavior subsides but it takes years and by then you won't be friends with one of the couple.

-child of divorce, still unpleasantly surprised by behavior from divorced friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically you were mostly her friend going by your post. You talked with her, your husband with him at get togethers. Most divorces are not amicable, apparently this one wasn't either. Do you know why they divorced?

If my friend went to my ex husbands house I'd be shocked. Especially if he back stabbed me in some way. You could see her and the kids at your friends house. This is what she expected.

I read the post as you and your husband were mutual friends with her and her then husband, not her friend or his. Your so called "friend" is a lunatic. Good riddance. She did you a favor OP. Move on!

[Anonymous]

I'm not in their marriage but neither alleged cheating. Even when she would vet she made it clear cheating wasn't involved. I know mental health issues played a role.

[Anonymous]

Look, she's probably still raw, and it's going ot take some time for those feelings to subside.

We are also friends with a divorced couple. For the betterment of their kids, they still do things together, the 4 of them. They were just in Europe together for part of a vacation. They went to Disney together. And while it's hard, it's also great for the kids to not feel badly that they are doing something fun with one parent and not the other.

Could they have done either of those things the first year of their divorce? No. But they've worked to a better, accepting place.

I think I would write the mom. I would tell her that you had an have no intention of taking sides - you love her, and the kids, and - as hard as this is to hear - her X. You are on the kids' side, if you are taking a side. And you will be fair, and honorable, and always put the kids first. Maybe it is hard to do at first, but you hope she will see that in the long wrong, for the kids, it's the right way to be. And that you're always there for her.

And just let that sit with her for a while. If she's at all reasonable, she will come to see that putting her own feelings aside for the good of the kids is the best long term solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just re-iterate to her that you love both of them, and that your door remains open to her going forward.

Do you have some inkling as to the cause of the divorce? Was there cheating involved?

This. She is still hurting from the divorce and her feelings and emotions are raw. Let her know you're there for her and give her time to grieve and to come around.

Her emotions are raw and her feelings of hurt and loss are strong. It will take her time to grieve the loss of her life as she had - even if the divorce was her initiative and she is better off, still there is grief for lifestyle, friends, etc. If not for divorce, she would have been hosting that party, but probably her ex got the kids this holiday and she is hurting that to her ex, kids, and you nothing changed. You are still meeting together and celebrating like before the divorce but things changed for her. As you say, this is recent and it will take time for all to come to a new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's probably still raw, and it's going ot take some time for those feelings to subside.

We are also friends with a divorced couple. For the betterment of their kids, they still do things together, the 4 of them. They were just in Europe together for part of a vacation. They went to Disney together. And while it's hard, it's also great for the kids to not feel badly that they are doing something fun with one parent and not the other.

Could they have done either of those things the first year of their divorce? No. But they've worked to a better, accepting place.

I think I would write the mom. I would tell her that you had an have no intention of taking sides - you love her, and the kids, and - as hard as this is to hear - her X. You are on the kids' side, if you are taking a side. And you will be fair, and honorable, and always put the kids first. Maybe it is hard to do at first, but you hope she will see that in the long wrong, for the kids, it's the right way to be. [u] And that you're always there for her.

And just let that sit with her for a while. If she's at all reasonable, she will come to see that putting her own feelings aside for the good of the kids is the best long term solution.

Don't write this about taking the kids' side. She would read into it that you are accusing her of not putting her kids first. Also, you specifically being there has nothing to do with putting kids first - your DH could have gone with the kids. You were there because you wanted to be with your DH and kids and that has nothing to do with putting her kids first. That would be nail in the coffin of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is immature. And selfish. And thinking only of herself. These are fairly non-disputable facts. What she needs to do is work on herself.

[Anonymous]

People are not always reasonable when they are in pain. Give her some time.

[Anonymous]

I would simply say what you said here:
The divorce had an impact on your entire family and you made a decision as a family not to choose a side. You are not going to get in the middle, as both were friends. Our kids are so close that I can't not accept an invite to get them together and I was not going to separate from my family. I know this is very hard on you and I want to assure you that we will always be there for you but we are not going to choose sides.

Tell her you hope she can get past it.

It is the nature of the beast. Some people become competitive after the divorce. They try to "win" the divorce but it almost always backfires. The person that stays quiet and doesn't make drama at every turn usually is the one most mutual friends are most comfortable around.

[Anonymous]

She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

[Anonymous]

You're thinking rationally. She's thinking like someone who's had her life ripped apart. Give her time and patience, but you don't need to pick sides and you can make that clear in a kind way when the time is right.