Friends divorced: ex-wife mad at me for accepting family invitation from ex-husband for 4th of July

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

I’m not eye rolling your abuse, I’m eye rolling that you think any of us would advocate staying friends with both if we knew either spouse had been abusive. Clearly that would be different and it’s also probably not the case here if OP didn’t mention it and says both are willing to be friends with each of the former spouses. We are all approaching this particular situation from the viewpoint that this couple is divorced but most likely not due to abuse, so its specious and unnecessary to act as if we are saying it would be normal or okay to stay friends with both if there was known abuse. Naturally, we wouldn’t be having this discussion had OP indicated that was the case.

1. Two different couples were still friends with my ex after I told them about his abuse...so it happens. And of course they declare loudly on FB how much they care about Women's Issues- that gets the eye roll for sure!
2. The wife in the OP might have been emotionally abused or physically even and that's why she's flaring up so badly. It is VERY humiliating to admit because of the massive stigma on women who have been abuse victims. She might not be ready to tell. Let's not all just jump to the conclusion that she's a PsYcHO cHIccK

Oh and please note we are two different PPs that have been abused and have friends be OK with the abuser! This society is majorly messed up.

DP. But that is not the discussion at hand, and you two are sidetracking this discussion with a completely different situation. Your chiming in does not help the OP with her situation. If you want to discuss this, by all means, start a new thread.

No it isn’t. To my 1000 Facebook friends I was a happily married woman. To my 20 close family members I was a happily married woman. To all but one or two people I was a happy person getting a. Primal divorce.

Abuse isn’t well talked about amongst the solidy UMC.

So before we all assume this ex wife is crazy and bitter and tell her to “be quiet” we should so sides the fact that you’re probably one of her 1000 FB dfreinds and just because you didn’t know about it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. I’m just saying empathy never hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

Totally agree. There is no middle ground on these issues. If you stay "neutral" with the abuser then you side with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is missing here.

Why did he say, "sorry I put you in this position"? Why did he invite you then if he knew his ex would be upset? Was that the real reason he invited you guys on a holiday? Did the wife ever confide or say bad things about him during the divorce process? Exes do things all the time to get back at each other. OP I think there's more going on here.

We have spent every 4th of July at his (their old home) since 2014. We did so to see what was their family, so he invited us like he does every year. even though this year it was just him and the kids without her. He got the house. I guess he knew she wouldn't be happy before I did. The wife did confide in me and say bad things about him but I would NEVER tell him. He does not say bad things about her to me but I know he does to my DH.

I'm on the other side of this - married to someone divorced, who thought their (DH and his ex) couple friends could be friends with both. Here are the problems with this:

1) As you confirm, the wives are confiding in each other and so are the husbands. While I think you can see both sides of it, friendship does require some loyalty. If you are listening to dirt about your friend from one side and not telling them you don't want to hear it (imagine how you would feel if any of your friends was listening silently while another friend bitched about you), you aren't being a good friend. And if you tell them you don't want to talk about something that is so central to their lives right now (the divorce and re-setting boundaries with their ex), it is also hard for them to feel supported by you.

2) If you are letting your friend confide in you about her ex, how does she know that you aren't telling her ex about it, or other details of her life if you are friends with both? Again, imagine yourself in her position - would you really feel like this is a person you can confide in?

3) Eventually, these folks will likely re-partner. Are you planning to be friends with both the new couples? What if you don't like the new partner?

It's not as simple as saying "let's all be adults and be friends." I think you can be friendly with both, but not friends with both.

10 years out from the divorce, there are no mutual friends left between DH and his ex. It wasn't really ugly with any of them, but these types of things do complicate couples friendships.

Let you kids stay friends, and the adults can drift apart.

[Anonymous]

Totally against friend code. Don't expect her to continue being your friend since you've made it clear you're not a real friend to her. Would you expect a friend to socialize with someone who hurt you and rocked your world to the core? No big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

+100 or more.

[Anonymous]

Now you know why your friends got divorced. The ex wife was a controlling you know what. Still is.