Friends divorced: ex-wife mad at me for accepting family invitation from ex-husband for 4th of July

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

I’m not eye rolling your abuse, I’m eye rolling that you think any of us would advocate staying friends with both if we knew either spouse had been abusive. Clearly that would be different and it’s also probably not the case here if OP didn’t mention it and says both are willing to be friends with each of the former spouses. We are all approaching this particular situation from the viewpoint that this couple is divorced but most likely not due to abuse, so its specious and unnecessary to act as if we are saying it would be normal or okay to stay friends with both if there was known abuse. Naturally, we wouldn’t be having this discussion had OP indicated that was the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

I’m not eye rolling your abuse, I’m eye rolling that you think any of us would advocate staying friends with both if we knew either spouse had been abusive. Clearly that would be different and it’s also probably not the case here if OP didn’t mention it and says both are willing to be friends with each of the former spouses. We are all approaching this particular situation from the viewpoint that this couple is divorced but most likely not due to abuse, so its specious and unnecessary to act as if we are saying it would be normal or okay to stay friends with both if there was known abuse. Naturally, we wouldn’t be having this discussion had OP indicated that was the case.

1. Two different couples were still friends with my ex after I told them about his abuse...so it happens. And of course they declare loudly on FB how much they care about Women's Issues- that gets the eye roll for sure!
2. The wife in the OP might have been emotionally abused or physically even and that's why she's flaring up so badly. It is VERY humiliating to admit because of the massive stigma on women who have been abuse victims. She might not be ready to tell. Let's not all just jump to the conclusion that she's a PsYcHO cHIccK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

I’m not eye rolling your abuse, I’m eye rolling that you think any of us would advocate staying friends with both if we knew either spouse had been abusive. Clearly that would be different and it’s also probably not the case here if OP didn’t mention it and says both are willing to be friends with each of the former spouses. We are all approaching this particular situation from the viewpoint that this couple is divorced but most likely not due to abuse, so its specious and unnecessary to act as if we are saying it would be normal or okay to stay friends with both if there was known abuse. Naturally, we wouldn’t be having this discussion had OP indicated that was the case.

1. Two different couples were still friends with my ex after I told them about his abuse...so it happens. And of course they declare loudly on FB how much they care about Women's Issues- that gets the eye roll for sure!
2. The wife in the OP might have been emotionally abused or physically even and that's why she's flaring up so badly. It is VERY humiliating to admit because of the massive stigma on women who have been abuse victims. She might not be ready to tell. Let's not all just jump to the conclusion that she's a PsYcHO cHIccK

Oh and please note we are two different PPs that have been abused and have friends be OK with the abuser! This society is majorly messed up.

[Anonymous]

And I agree THAT is shitty but it IS NOT THE SITUATION AT HAND which is what we are responding to. In a run of the mill divorce, there’s nothing inherently wrong with remaining friendly with both. These people aren’t you and this isn’t about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just re-iterate to her that you love both of them, and that your door remains open to her going forward.

Do you have some inkling as to the cause of the divorce? Was there cheating involved?

This. She is still hurting from the divorce and her feelings and emotions are raw. Let her know you're there for her and give her time to grieve and to come around.

Her emotions are raw and her feelings of hurt and loss are strong. It will take her time to grieve the loss of her life as she had - even if the divorce was her initiative and she is better off, still there is grief for lifestyle, friends, etc. If not for divorce, she would have been hosting that party, but probably her ex got the kids this holiday and she is hurting that to her ex, kids, and you nothing changed. You are still meeting together and celebrating like before the divorce but things changed for her. As you say, this is recent and it will take time for all to come to a new normal.

Agree with these PPs. I think it's great that you are able to see around your (understandable) hurt and not be lashing back at her. Many people would just write her off, but if you can be patient, hopefully she will come around after she has had time to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I agree THAT is shitty but it IS NOT THE SITUATION AT HAND which is what we are responding to. In a run of the mill divorce, there’s nothing inherently wrong with remaining friendly with both. These people aren’t you and this isn’t about you.

How do you know it isnt? I'm just saying that it happens more than you think and she might not be ready to speak about it. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt overreacting or being "psycho."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just hurt. Realistically, she should be happy that you still take time to see her kids and like her ex. But think of this: she imagined all of you over there (the kids too) having fun like the good old days... while she was home alone. That stings. Be patient with her. Divorce is really hard.

Especially if she is better friends with the wife, plus doesn't sound like a friendly divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people that were seeing my ex. I wouldn't want the ex to know my business, why it's sometimes best to start over.

Well that’s very immature. I wouldn’t want our friends to completely cut off my husband if we divorced nor would I expect them to. They do like him and are friends with him. I can see Op’s friend’s hurt *since she is currently in the situation* but as a rational person on the outside I would hope we’d all agree there’s nothing inherently bad about staying friendly with both exes. I’m sure they didn’t even talk about the ex wife enough to “share her business.”

I gave up on being friends with people who still associated with my ex after I told them he physically abused me.

That’s obviously different

Says the person who responds to an abused woman with an eye roll.


My STBX was was abusive. There is no middle ground or ambiguity for me: I’d ive told you about the abuse and the alcoholism and you are friends with this vile man? Then you either
1. Don’t believe me

Or
2. Condone abuse.

Now I’m not crazy or bitter or anything else- but divorce reveals your friends characters- too. I choose not to be friendly with anyone who knows the truth and would seek to deny if. Being “QUIET” like a pp suggested is how I stayed trapped in abuse and chaos- no more!

I’m not eye rolling your abuse, I’m eye rolling that you think any of us would advocate staying friends with both if we knew either spouse had been abusive. Clearly that would be different and it’s also probably not the case here if OP didn’t mention it and says both are willing to be friends with each of the former spouses. We are all approaching this particular situation from the viewpoint that this couple is divorced but most likely not due to abuse, so its specious and unnecessary to act as if we are saying it would be normal or okay to stay friends with both if there was known abuse. Naturally, we wouldn’t be having this discussion had OP indicated that was the case.

1. Two different couples were still friends with my ex after I told them about his abuse...so it happens. And of course they declare loudly on FB how much they care about Women's Issues- that gets the eye roll for sure!
2. The wife in the OP might have been emotionally abused or physically even and that's why she's flaring up so badly. It is VERY humiliating to admit because of the massive stigma on women who have been abuse victims. She might not be ready to tell. Let's not all just jump to the conclusion that she's a PsYcHO cHIccK

Oh and please note we are two different PPs that have been abused and have friends be OK with the abuser! This society is majorly messed up.

DP. But that is not the discussion at hand, and you two are sidetracking this discussion with a completely different situation. Your chiming in does not help the OP with her situation. If you want to discuss this, by all means, start a new thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I met a wonderful couple friend 5 years ago. We spent holidays together. Our kids were close and their kids called us "Aunt and Uncle" and our kids called them the same. We were family. We loved them both but naturally during gatherings the men stuck together and the women did. Sometimes the wife and I would do girls stuff, sans the families. And sometimes the men too. Well a year ago their divorce was finalized. It was devastating to all involved. DH and I did not choose sides. How could we? We met them as a couple so our love for each was equal.

Well, all was well until I dared to accept a 4th of July bbq invitation that the ex-husband extended to my whole family. I guess she expected me not to go but I went with my children and husband. It was just the ex-husband, their children, and his family. There were no women or anything. But the ex-wife, my friend, is mad I went and refuses to talk to me or take my calls.

Ironically when we arrived on the 4th, the ex-husband said "I'm sorry I put you in this position" and I didn't know what he was talking about. What position I thought? Now I see. Why is she mad at me? Our kids are like cousins. Did she want me to not let my kids see hers on the 4th? Did she want me to send my whole family but I stay home on the 4th? I would equally have gone to her home had she invited us. We weren't choosing sides. We were just celebrating with someone who invited our whole family over.

What can I do? I miss my friend.

Unfortunately, not much. You have reached out and if she doesn't accept your calls or ignores you than you can't do anything. Either send her one more letter/email OR just let it rest for now. It is in her hands at the moment. Either she grows up and wants your friendship or she doesn't. Sorry! It sucks but, she doesn't sound like a good friend not to see your side.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is getting divorced the friend is out of line, but I get it. Husband is making a power play for all our friends & my family. All of the sudden the wants to host & hang out. I don’t give AF because he sucks- but if I was more insecure about this I’d be bummed.
Not that she expected exclusiveness- but she’s also just figuring this shit out too. It’ll pass.
And if she needs space/ stop calling!! I’ll never understand when folks are like he/she won’t return my 20 phone calls. Welp- why did you call 20 times?
Also- another thought. It sounds like she is actually cool & moved on & you are the one with hang ups. Often folks single friends look different than their couple friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is missing here.

Why did he say, "sorry I put you in this position"? Why did he invite you then if he knew his ex would be upset? Was that the real reason he invited you guys on a holiday? Did the wife ever confide or say bad things about him during the divorce process? Exes do things all the time to get back at each other. OP I think there's more going on here.

We have spent every 4th of July at his (their old home) since 2014. We did so to see what was their family, so he invited us like he does every year. even though this year it was just him and the kids without her. He got the house. I guess he knew she wouldn't be happy before I did. The wife did confide in me and say bad things about him but I would NEVER tell him. He does not say bad things about her to me but I know he does to my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should invite her and the kids over for a barbeque soon. That’s

I did. She won't return my calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is missing here.

Why did he say, "sorry I put you in this position"? Why did he invite you then if he knew his ex would be upset? Was that the real reason he invited you guys on a holiday? Did the wife ever confide or say bad things about him during the divorce process? Exes do things all the time to get back at each other. OP I think there's more going on here.

And how did she know you went?

I told her. I figure she;d hear from her kids so I may as well share. I told her before we even went that he invited us and we were going. She hasn't spoken to me since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I agree THAT is shitty but it IS NOT THE SITUATION AT HAND which is what we are responding to. In a run of the mill divorce, there’s nothing inherently wrong with remaining friendly with both. These people aren’t you and this isn’t about you.

How do you know it isnt? I'm just saying that it happens more than you think and she might not be ready to speak about it. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt that she isnt overreacting or being "psycho."

OP here - there is no abuse that I am aware of and no one ever claimed there was. The ex wife complains about a lot but has never mentioned abuse or infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Divorces always happen for a reason, and you may not know what prompted this one. She’s probably still hurt and raw about it. That said, she should get over it for your kids.