The reason I can't go with DE

[Anonymous]

is that I feel very strongly that my husband would be procreating with another woman and I would be a surrogate for them.
Reproduction can also be asexual, it's nevertheless reproduction between two individuals who are merging their DNA to create a separate human being.
And although I would be gestating a baby I know the overriding power of genetics (have majored in biology with focus on cell biology). While epigenetics play role, they play role equally in genetic mothers and non-genetic mothers. In other words, who ever carries a baby can influence which genes are switched on or off. However, no one can influence the DNA encoded in them. That is simply inherited form a genetic parent. Example: if you hire a surrogate to carry your own genetic embryo she can epigeneticially influence a fetus but genes are 100% yours. Many studies of siblings who grew up apart prove the power of genes. Most recent studies of diseases and longevity have proved that genes have overriding power. I feel that sometimes clinics and counselors try to comfort women using DE with epigenetics marketing. Anyhow, I have considered DE and I logically cannot accept that it's not a big deal when it is.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to a counselor to work through this. What are your priorities and what are your alternatives? It’s okay to only want to try for your bio child, if you can live with not being a parent. Would full adoption be okay? If you can’t deal with half of the genes not being yours, it sounds like you really couldn’t deal with that.

It’s a hard road, and it’s unfair that you are having difficulty with having a child in the way you’d always hoped for. But I urge you to think about what you can do, not what you can’t.

[Anonymous]

If it’s not for you, then it’s not for you and that’s fine. Different people feel differently about all the options out there.

I watched my BIL and SIL go through the adoption process, and realized I just not have it in me to go through that. The home studies, paperwork, asking friends and relatives for references, I just couldn’t do it. I threw myself into improving my fertility, supplements and acupuncture and guided meditation and iui’s and ivf’s and we finally got lucky.

Nothing about the process is easy, and we all have to follow the paths that work for us.

[Anonymous]

I am with you, OP, and we adopted two girls from China in 2010 and 2014 through the Barker Foundation. I realize adoption situations are changing ALL the time, but just wanted to reach out and say that you do not have to feel forced to feel ok with an option you are not ok with. I am so sorry. IF is beyond HARD. All my best to you.

[Anonymous]

Watch Three Identical Strangers. Yes, genes are powerful, but family is important.

Just because it’s not for you doesn’t mean it’s not right for others. My DE DS is 100% DH and my child. Genetics or not, he is exactly the child who was supposed to be in my life.

I hope you find an acceptable way to grow your family (traditional adoption or embryo donation) or find peace in being child-free.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to know you have a strong marriage and you married the right person. I was one of those people who had doubts going in. I just knew he would throw it up in my face later. I was adament no donor egg EVER at my first separate consult and the dr never mentioned it again.

[Anonymous]

Op - you might feel better about donor embryo if your husband will agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Op here - Let me add that in case of a divorce and if a legal mother gets full custody you are basically in for a life of raising a child that is genetically someone else's plus from a husband you divorced. I understand that many women place a lot of emphasis on gestation but per my first post I see it the same as surrogate. One could argue that a surrogate that carries fetus of a couple that cannot carry should also play a huge role in a baby's life.
I feel that with encoded genetics of someone else you are simply helping that woman reproduce. It is the genes of all her ancestors passed down in your child. Yes, you can influence a child. But that brings us down to debate of nature vs nurture and many, many new studies have shown that nature wins.
Thirdly, you cannot erase a donor. It's not something that cannot conveniently be swept up under a rug. A donor is present in every fiber of your child. So, that is a third person in marriage.

[Anonymous]

You know people have been adopting kids since time immemorial, right? And often they've been the kids of relatives, meaning that, perhaps, the kid might be related to the husband's side of the family but not the wife's. If it's not for you, it's not for you, but genetics aren't a barrier to love or parenting for many, many people. The goal of parenting isn't to raise a mini me. It's to raise an independent person, whoever that person may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know people have been adopting kids since time immemorial, right? And often they've been the kids of relatives, meaning that, perhaps, the kid might be related to the husband's side of the family but not the wife's. If it's not for you, it's not for you, but genetics aren't a barrier to love or parenting for many, many people. The goal of parenting isn't to raise a mini me. It's to raise an independent person, whoever that person may be.

You are right about love and parenting.
However, I am talking about reproduction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Let me add that in case of a divorce and if a legal mother gets full custody you are basically in for a life of raising a child that is genetically someone else's plus from a husband you divorced. I understand that many women place a lot of emphasis on gestation but per my first post I see it the same as surrogate. One could argue that a surrogate that carries fetus of a couple that cannot carry should also play a huge role in a baby's life.
I feel that with encoded genetics of someone else you are simply helping that woman reproduce. It is the genes of all her ancestors passed down in your child. Yes, you can influence a child. But that brings us down to debate of nature vs nurture and many, many new studies have shown that nature wins.
Thirdly, you cannot erase a donor. It's not something that cannot conveniently be swept up under a rug. A donor is present in every fiber of your child. So, that is a third person in marriage.

If this is the way that you feel about it - like you’d be raising someone else’s child rather than your own - then you definitely shouldn't be doing DE. You’re not doing yourself or your marriage any favors and it’s definitely not fair to the child. Most of us don’t feel this way - at all!!!!!- but if you do, then this isn’t the path that you should take.

[Anonymous]

OP who are you trying to convince ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP who are you trying to convince ?

OP here - I am expressing my own thoughts and feelings about issues that are for some reason not discussed openly. We are told, mostly by REs, that this is a normal thing and that we should accept it at face value.

[Anonymous]

If raising a child that is genetically yours is the end all, be all for you, then your options are limited if you suffer from infertility. Either expand your mindset or accept being child free.

[Anonymous]

This post does feel a little like someone’s trying to convince others. Donor eggs are pretty much my last stop on this train and none of your arguments make a dent in how I feel at all. If you truly feel this way then, donor eggs aren’t for you and that’s ok.