The reason I can't go with DE

[Anonymous]

I agree with the OP. I think most woman are probably uncomfortable with the idea of it. A donor embryo is a little different in my opinion- that’s like adoption.

[Anonymous]

The REs suggest DE as an option. I'm sure there are many women/couples who do not pursue this option for various reasons including the ones OP listed. In the end you have to go with what you are comfortable with. There's no right or wrong, or one-size-fits-all here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel very similar to you on the issue. I feel like it has been normalized and made to seem routine, but of course it isn’t a normal thing to give birth to another woman’s offspring. I don’t see any reason to compromise on this. The technology is available, but only you can decide how far you are willing to go. This is something you should only do if you are 100% sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The REs suggest DE as an option. I'm sure there are many women/couples who do not pursue this option for various reasons including the ones OP listed. In the end you have to go with what you are comfortable with. There's no right or wrong, or one-size-fits-all here.

OP here - I was surprised how several REs suggested DEs to me as next "logical" step due to my DOR. In my view, they told me that they cannot fix my infertility but can offer me a substitute. At that point I started exploring donor eggs. Since I am a type of person who looks at everything long term (and I mean very long term) I scoured the the web for stories from donor conceived children, donors, and donor recipients. It seems that all of them are being shortchanged by the process. Donor children are in 99% of cases separated from their genetic parent and any extended, biological family that they might have. Donors are usually young and gullible and often paid very little for what they give up (value beyond money); they are often lured in by the multi billion dollar donor industry and treated like queens only to be discarded after egg harvest; some donors regret their donation, usually when they are much older and when they have their own children. Finally, the donor recipients do not get to reproduce biologically, their infertility is not fixed, they get to gestate and parent another woman's child for about 15 years (teenagers after that pretty much have their own lives). The only winners seem to be men; they get to pass on their genes, they get a loving mother to look after their offspring, and they have many more opportunities to reproduce with other women if they wish so (not saying that all men cheat or divorce their wives but they certainly have that chance). I think I would really question my husband if he easily accepted to reproduce with an anonymous donor.

These are some of the stories I found from donors that really made me look at the situation differently:

"It is very difficult for me to now admit that I regret doing my donations. I regret that I have biological offspring with men I don’t know. That I have children out there that I don’t know."
"Now that my husband and I have our own child, I also regret my donations because I have forced my daughter to have half-siblings that she will never meet or know."
https://anonymousus.org/egg-donor-regret-and-what-i-didnt-know-at-the-time/

"Louise donated eggs to give a stranger a baby. Now, with bitter irony, she can't have her own"
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2202359/Louise-donated-eggs-stranger-baby-Now-bitter-irony-own.html

[Anonymous]

You know that there are open ID donors who the child can meet at some point, and also ways to connect with half-siblings, right?

Like, don't do anything you're not comfortable with, obviously, but you seem to think that this is some kind of scam to get you to "raise someone else's child." It's not and nobody who parents a DE child sees it that way.

[Anonymous]

Some people understand parenting to be more than raising your gentic offspring. Actually the vast majority of parents get that. Spend some time changing diapers and teaching your kid to read and saving for college and you’ll see what parenting is alll about.

[Anonymous]

OP, if DE is not something you wish to consider that is, of course, completely fine. You don't need to justify your choice or explain your reasons.

"THanks, but not for me/my family" is a full sentence.

For others, DE may be a wonderful and happy option to achieve their dream of a family. That choice will be equally personal, well considered and valid.

[Anonymous]

Our egg donor (anonymous) chose to be a donor because she DOES have a child and felt it was a such a blessing that she wanted to help others. So just a different perspective. Many donors do have children already.
I had many of the same feelings/concerns as you and worked through them in my own time, did a lot of research online, became part of PVED.org, and came to the conclusion that I was up for using DE. Best decision we ever made. Our son is amazing and 100% our child. Yes, his genetics come partly from someone else and we will support him one day if he wishes to learn more about his donor/her family, but being a parent and having a family is so much more than genetics.
I wish you luck as you go through this difficult journey.

[Anonymous]

OP your arguments sound suspiciously like "If you have an abortion you'll always regret it" arguments.

If you don't approve of abortion, don't have one. And if you don't approve of the donor egg process, don't do it.

That said, I do share some of your concern about the donors, and also about gestational surrogates. It seems like it can easily devolve into something like selling an organ, and thereby victimize people of limited financial means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post does feel a little like someone’s trying to convince others. Donor eggs are pretty much my last stop on this train and none of your arguments make a dent in how I feel at all. If you truly feel this way then, donor eggs aren’t for you and that’s ok.

I had that same thought! There is a regular poster who weighs in against DE every time it comes up. I think they just came up with a new way to harass and discourage women who are thinking about DE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP who are you trying to convince ?

OP here - I am expressing my own thoughts and feelings about issues that are for some reason not discussed openly. We are told, mostly by REs, that this is a normal thing and that we should accept it at face value.

As a lesbian and the non-biological parent of our two children, I have to say I disagree.

We went through SO MUCH in terms of counseling - at more than one clinic - in order to have my wife carry our children using a known donor. Our donor even had to sit for an extensive personality test, meet with a social worker individually, and then all of us had to meet with that social worker. This all felt incredibly invasive to us, and was based on the fact that we were bringing a child into the world that would not biologically be mine but that I would raise as my own.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have read all of your posts and your BS widely reaching statements about donors and recipients. You come across as closed minded and extremely uneducated where DE is concerned. I also think it's entertaining that your original post was not really for community discussion, but more so just an opinionated rant about why you don't want DE. I bet you write a blog and take a lot of selfies. I also wouldn't be surprised if you needed donor sperm to reach your goals, if you get my drift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have read all of your posts and your BS widely reaching statements about donors and recipients. You come across as closed minded and extremely uneducated where DE is concerned. I also think it's entertaining that your original post was not really for community discussion, but more so just an opinionated rant about why you don't want DE. I bet you write a blog and take a lot of selfies. I also wouldn't be surprised if you needed donor sperm to reach your goals, if you get my drift.

I do no write a blog, I do not take selfies. Many other people vent about many things on this board. I have DOR and two REs non-chalantly suggested DEs to me without even considering that this is not something I see as the next logical step on my journey. For some people, including me, this is not a "normal" thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our egg donor (anonymous) chose to be a donor because she DOES have a child and felt it was a such a blessing that she wanted to help others. So just a different perspective. Many donors do have children already.
I had many of the same feelings/concerns as you and worked through them in my own time, did a lot of research online, became part of PVED.org, and came to the conclusion that I was up for using DE. Best decision we ever made. Our son is amazing and 100% our child. Yes, his genetics come partly from someone else and we will support him one day if he wishes to learn more about his donor/her family, but being a parent and having a family is so much more than genetics.
I wish you luck as you go through this difficult journey.

50% of his genes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your arguments sound suspiciously like "If you have an abortion you'll always regret it" arguments.

If you don't approve of abortion, don't have one. And if you don't approve of the donor egg process, don't do it.

That said, I do share some of your concern about the donors, and also about gestational surrogates. It seems like it can easily devolve into something like selling an organ, and thereby victimize people of limited financial means.

It's funny how ART markets the same thing differently when it suits them.
In case of a surrogate who carries fetus for a couple unable to carry her epigenetic influence or role in baby's life is never mentioned. She is discarded once her 40 weeks are up.
When DE recipient carries a baby the story about her epigenetically influencing a baby are blown out of proportion with thousands of articles and marketing gimmicks on the web. However, the same is never mentioned for a surrogate mother, so that the parents would not feel that surrogate mother played any role beyond gestation.
Conclusion: it's all about making a customer feel better about the process.