Is there an age where the whole wedding thing needs to chill?

[Anonymous]

Please help me sort out if I need to get over myself or if perhaps I have a leg to stand on.

My cousin is getting married and I am in the wedding. She's 35, will be 36 at the wedding. First marriage for both.

I am in the wedding so just got the run down of what's expected and the festivities leading up to the wedding.

I'm one of eight bridesmaids and there will be three day destination bachelorette party, along with a shower.

This has been pretty standard in my circle for weddings, so for this will I will do what I did for the millions of other weddings--choose what I can go to, skip what I can not, and show up thrilled to be there.

But by our mid 30s, the last time I did all of this was a few years ago. If I am being brutally honest it just feels like she missed the boat on destination parties where we go to gay clubs and wear penis sashes. We are in our mid 30s, everyone is in the middle of dealing with small kids, it just feels so performative and tiresome.

Do you think it's fair to feel that you can "age out" of this whole thing, or is it fair to say that if you are getting married, and you want the whole shebang, then it makes sense. I would assume her stance is that she did it for everyone she knows, now it's our time to do it for her. Which I think definitely speaks to fairness. But then omg there we all are together as a bunch of 35-40 year old women at the club and it feels so cringy.

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question? Yes, she can celebrate as she pleases. You are selfish for even considering that she should tone down her celebration and excitement in the name of ageism or to make you more comfortable based on YOUR current stage of life.

[Anonymous]

I agree. The stuff 20 year olds do for wedding events are pretty tacky and gross. By mid 30s, everyone should have developed some better taste. But, I guess not!

[Anonymous]

most women chill out in their late-30s. by then, most of their friends have kids and aren't up for the multiple bachelorette weekends and dress fittings. that said, try not to be a buzz kill. weddings come once in a lifetime (hopefully).

[Anonymous]

I'm 38. I'd actually love it if one my friends had a big bash now because I'd love the excuse to get away!

Though I would not make nearly the same effort as I did pre-kids, because I do have to choose my children and household budget over my friends. When I was in my 20s, I only had myself to worry about and budget for, so my friends got top billing. It's not really "fair" but it's just life.

[Anonymous]

Stop being such a killjoy.

[Anonymous]

I think ALL big weddings are a huge waste of money, especially considering half of them will end in divorce. The money people spend on opulent weddings astounds me. I think of all of the vacations or things we could spend that kind of money on, spread out over the course of YEARS, instead of throwing it down the drain for one afternoon and evening of fun.

Of course, these are my opinions and mine alone. It’s not the way I would spend MY money, but I don’t chastise someone else for spending their money how they see fit. To them, $30,000 on a wedding is their fantasy. To me, I fantasize about having $30,000 to spend on three fabulous vacations. Neither of us is wrong.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP. There is a point - probably in the early to mid 30s where you age out of some of that stuff. I just had a good friend from college get married - we are 37. I was so glad she passed on some of that stuff even though she attended all my events 10 year ago. That being said if the bride wants a plastic penis bachlorette party then that's her prerogative and you can attend or skip.

[Anonymous]

I think by the mid-30s most brides would feel like it has all been done and there’s no point in another wedding extravaganza. But maybe that’s exactly why she wants it - she had to go to everyone else’s weekends away and now feels like it’s finally her turn?

[Anonymous]

First marriage = wholeshebang

[Anonymous]

You don't get to decide that she missed the boat. Many women would not be interested by this point, but apparently she is. So yeah, get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Yes, she can celebrate as she pleases. You are selfish for even considering that she should tone down her celebration and excitement in the name of ageism or to make you more comfortable based on YOUR current stage of life.

This.

Aside from that, it’s the MOH and bridesmaids that plan the parties. So find a club that is fun and classy, not one filled with college kids and the Like. There is a lot of wiggle room here that is “age appropriate”. You’re just more concerned with your current life of raising small children. You’re probably not that far off penis headbands yourself, but now you’re trying to push your new lifestyle on others.

I’m 43 and have been to some wonderfully raunchy and fun showers and gatherings in the past few years. I’m so glad I still have the opportunity to carry on like that!

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’ve definitely “aged out” of some of the bachelorette party nonsense. It just isn’t my brand of fun anymore. Maybe I’m stuffy and pretentious, but I’ve BTDT, in my twenties, before I was married, before I had kids and a career. I’m not trying to pretend I’m still 25. I’m so glad I’m not.

[Anonymous]

As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to decide that she missed the boat. Many women would not be interested by this point, but apparently she is. So yeah, get over yourself.

This.