Is there an age where the whole wedding thing needs to chill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was narcissistic in your 20's too.

Thank you.

I personally hate weddings. But I'm not everybody. If she wants to whoop it up, she can whoop it up. There's no age limit on that.

Yep. I'm an elopement person myself, but this was an expensive drag in your 20s as well. While it's not my style, she paid her dues and it's not fair to flip the script now that it's no longer appealing to you.

[Anonymous]

She does what she wants.
You do what you want.

I married and had my first child by 25, so yes, at 38, I would hate spending my energy and time on such ridiculousness. However the bride has not had these opportunities, and she wants these experiences for herself. If you need to bow out, just do that and accept she might be miffed.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is making a lot of assumptions about the bride’s attitude (that she is doing this based on some “fairness” thing and not because she thinks a girls trip would be fun) and based on the itinerary. Do you know there will be 3 am clubbing and penises and the whole shebang? Because some of the other aspects of your post and how you’re framing the whole thing sound a bit dramatic for something you fully admit is common in your circle.

[Anonymous]

I do think you age out. I was 24 when I got married and everyone was thrilled to drink out of penis straws, dance on the tables in Vegas and even things like a bouquet/garter toss were fun then. Pretty sure at 34 NO ONE who is still single thinks a bouquet/garter toss is fun. My girlfriends are more into Nashville/Napa/New Orleans weekend trips for bachelorette parties now. The restaurants are fancier (things weren't that fancy at 24 years old) and we can all afford more.

Also, the type of wedding you can afford at 34 is much nicer than a 24 year old's wedding. I did my best and loved my wedding, but I made half of what I make now. So not everything is worse at 34.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was narcissistic in your 20's too.

Thank you.

I personally hate weddings. But I'm not everybody. If she wants to whoop it up, she can whoop it up. There's no age limit on that.

Yep. I'm an elopement person myself, but this was an expensive drag in your 20s as well. While it's not my style, she paid her dues and it's not fair to flip the script now that it's no longer appealing to you.

People really discount the effort and money it all took their friends to show up for THEM. Just because everyone was in their 20s and didn’t yet have kids, like you said it was still an expensive drag. People still had family responsibilities, financial limitations etc. and they sacrificed to come to these events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

This is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you age out. I was 24 when I got married and everyone was thrilled to drink out of penis straws, dance on the tables in Vegas and even things like a bouquet/garter toss were fun then. Pretty sure at 34 NO ONE who is still single thinks a bouquet/garter toss is fun. My girlfriends are more into Nashville/Napa/New Orleans weekend trips for bachelorette parties now. The restaurants are fancier (things weren't that fancy at 24 years old) and we can all afford more.

Also, the type of wedding you can afford at 34 is much nicer than a 24 year old's wedding. I did my best and loved my wedding, but I made half of what I make now. So not everything is worse at 34.

this is thrashy at any age

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing the woman getting married for the first time in her 30s feels much younger than you, op. You feel old. She doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

I am the oldest of a lot of sisters, so when my last few sisters were getting married, I felt exhausted, run-down, mowed down by life, you name it. It was like all I could do to stagger to the finish line of the last one's wedding, really. Alterations, re-alterations, bachelorette parties. . .

(Don't worry, since there are so many of us, other sisters took up the slack. . .)

(And, to look at it the other way, when I was getting married, the younger ones were still YOUNG, so, like I couldn't schedule my wedding anytime except for summer or winter break, bc some of them were still in high school or college. So, really, what goes around comes around. It all comes out in the wash. You just have to do the best you can, even if you are not in a similar life phase.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

This this this. I don't think the OP is saying she wants the friend to not celebrate her own wedding. But there seems to be a literal tit-for-tat at work here. We went clubbing for all of these parties, and now we go clubbing now. When ten years have passed and maybe splashing out means reading the room and going to the spa or to a tasting menu or out to a concert or for heavens sake we've gotten some sense since we were 24 and we'll leave the penis' at home. I think there is a lot of sense of thinking about what you really like and what you friends like and doing that. I don't know if we need to take shots now just bc we took shots ten years ago.

+1. I was never the Vegas trip/ wear a bride to be sash type of person, so for mine we went to an out of town trip with a winery tour. I would still be up for a nice weekend away with great restaurants and maybe a wine bar now that I'm in my 40's. but def no clubs for me now as my body couldn't take it.

OP, are you sure the plan is for this level of debauchery? I understand it's humiliating to be the old chicks at the bar trying to act in a way that's silly in your 20's but downright vulgar in your 30's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you age out. I was 24 when I got married and everyone was thrilled to drink out of penis straws, dance on the tables in Vegas and even things like a bouquet/garter toss were fun then. Pretty sure at 34 NO ONE who is still single thinks a bouquet/garter toss is fun. My girlfriends are more into Nashville/Napa/New Orleans weekend trips for bachelorette parties now. The restaurants are fancier (things weren't that fancy at 24 years old) and we can all afford more.

Also, the type of wedding you can afford at 34 is much nicer than a 24 year old's wedding. I did my best and loved my wedding, but I made half of what I make now. So not everything is worse at 34.

This is a good point. We had a much nicer weekend at this age, along with a winery weekend for my bachelorette party. My friends who got married in their 20's had more debauchery for theirs, but we did age out of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you age out. I was 24 when I got married and everyone was thrilled to drink out of penis straws, dance on the tables in Vegas and even things like a bouquet/garter toss were fun then. Pretty sure at 34 NO ONE who is still single thinks a bouquet/garter toss is fun. My girlfriends are more into Nashville/Napa/New Orleans weekend trips for bachelorette parties now. The restaurants are fancier (things weren't that fancy at 24 years old) and we can all afford more.

Also, the type of wedding you can afford at 34 is much nicer than a 24 year old's wedding. I did my best and loved my wedding, but I made half of what I make now. So not everything is worse at 34.

This is a good point. We had a much nicer weekend at this age, along with a winery weekend for my bachelorette party. My friends who got married in their 20's had more debauchery for theirs, but we did age out of that.

weekend = wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Yes, she can celebrate as she pleases. You are selfish for even considering that she should tone down her celebration and excitement in the name of ageism or to make you more comfortable based on YOUR current stage of life.

This.

Aside from that, it’s the MOH and bridesmaids that plan the parties. So find a club that is fun and classy, not one filled with college kids and the Like. There is a lot of wiggle room here that is “age appropriate”. You’re just more concerned with your current life of raising small children. You’re probably not that far off penis headbands yourself, but now you’re trying to push your new lifestyle on others.

I’m 43 and have been to some wonderfully raunchy and fun showers and gatherings in the past few years. I’m so glad I still have the opportunity to carry on like that!

Words to live by my friend, words to live by...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Yes, she can celebrate as she pleases. You are selfish for even considering that she should tone down her celebration and excitement in the name of ageism or to make you more comfortable based on YOUR current stage of life.

This.

Aside from that, it’s the MOH and bridesmaids that plan the parties. So find a club that is fun and classy, not one filled with college kids and the Like. There is a lot of wiggle room here that is “age appropriate”. You’re just more concerned with your current life of raising small children. You’re probably not that far off penis headbands yourself, but now you’re trying to push your new lifestyle on others.

I’m 43 and have been to some wonderfully raunchy and fun showers and gatherings in the past few years. I’m so glad I still have the opportunity to carry on like that!

Words to live by my friend, words to live by...

I'm reading this and feeling left out, as i never had such a headband.

[Anonymous]

I would be a little embarrassed to be having a shower and a balls to the wall bachelorette party at 36.

It was tacky and embarrassing at 30. Could not imagine doing it all so close to 40.