Is there an age where the whole wedding thing needs to chill?

[Anonymous]

I think the showers and such need to tone it down when you're over 30. I mean do you really need new spatulas?

But I think the bacehlorette parties get bigger. I'm mid 30s and would LOVE a huge week long girls trip now. Sure we all have kids and babies, but we also have capable husbands who can handle it all for a weekend or a week. I would love to spend a few days just touring museums with kids not hanging off me. Bliss.

[Anonymous]

Wow you are a jerk. I got married at 33 1/2. One of my bridesmaids needed a pumping break between the ceremony and pictures. Most of our friends had small kids. Some people got married at 24 and some got married after us. I am so glad my friends showed up for me and dosnall the same things for me that I did for them 5-10 years earlier. I am glad none of my friends was enough of a jerk to tell me I’m a loser for not getting married until my mid/late 30s and if I wanted a fun party, I should have married one of the losers I dated in my 20s.

[Anonymous]

I got married in my 30s and felt like it was past time for this stuff. I didn't have a bachelorette party or shower, and I had only my sister as an attendant wearing whatever she wanted. A couple of my friends ended up telling me they were hurt that I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids, when I thought I was doing them a favor by letting them out of it at our age! With weddings you can't win.

[Anonymous]

I can tell it's not a popular opinion, OP, but I agree with you. I think it's natural to feel like in your mid 30s you've outgrown going clubbing at a place where you're a decade older than everyone else- it's just not as fun as it was when you were 25 and you look and feel out of place. And it's natural to feel like the "wedding season" of your life is kind of over at a certain point and find it hard to rally for multi day events for friends when you have kids at home. But- I do think it's important to try to show up for close friends who are having these events and just hope and pray that they don't have cringe worthy bachelorette parties. If it's not a close friend, honestly, I probably wouldn't attend the events at this stage in my life. Again, I know that's not a popular sentiment, but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow you are a jerk. I got married at 33 1/2. One of my bridesmaids needed a pumping break between the ceremony and pictures. Most of our friends had small kids. Some people got married at 24 and some got married after us. I am so glad my friends showed up for me and dosnall the same things for me that I did for them 5-10 years earlier. I am glad none of my friends was enough of a jerk to tell me I’m a loser for not getting married until my mid/late 30s and if I wanted a fun party, I should have married one of the losers I dated in my 20s.

I can sympathize with this. I guess my thought is, the definition of a "fun party" when you're 24 is different than when you're 38, and I would LOVE to attend a "fun party" as a 38 year old, but not one where we all have to pretend to be 24 and embarrass ourselves out at some club. Just like as a 24 year old, if a peripheral friend invited me to a bachelorette party that was a night at the Opera followed by a quiet evening at a wine bar, I'd be thinking to myself like "I don't want to waste my Saturday night on that BS I want to go out to the BARS!". Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Oh, I am going. And wearing a penis sash. And "ooooooo-ing" when we all drink pink cocktails. And all the other stuff she wants. Bc I love her and she wants this.

But I will say here I would rather be in bed. Or if I could really choose, rather be at a fun concert or a cooking class or christ, even a strip club. But pumping music and sashes and heels at 3am makes me pre-tired.

Girl. Wear flats, no one is looking at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

[Anonymous]

IN my late 20's we went out for Ethiopian and then went dancing. I did not want any of that other crap. It's really personality

[Anonymous]

As a divorced (now single) person in my early 40's, what I find true is that it's the *married* people who out-party the single ones because ya'll never get out and can't moderate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

This this this. I don't think the OP is saying she wants the friend to not celebrate her own wedding. But there seems to be a literal tit-for-tat at work here. We went clubbing for all of these parties, and now we go clubbing now. When ten years have passed and maybe splashing out means reading the room and going to the spa or to a tasting menu or out to a concert or for heavens sake we've gotten some sense since we were 24 and we'll leave the penis' at home. I think there is a lot of sense of thinking about what you really like and what you friends like and doing that. I don't know if we need to take shots now just bc we took shots ten years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

This this this. I don't think the OP is saying she wants the friend to not celebrate her own wedding. But there seems to be a literal tit-for-tat at work here. We went clubbing for all of these parties, and now we go clubbing now. When ten years have passed and maybe splashing out means reading the room and going to the spa or to a tasting menu or out to a concert or for heavens sake we've gotten some sense since we were 24 and we'll leave the penis' at home. I think there is a lot of sense of thinking about what you really like and what you friends like and doing that. I don't know if we need to take shots now just bc we took shots ten years ago.

But OP is basically saying that she doesn’t want the friend to celebrate her wedding. She literally wrote that she would rather be in bed.

I don’t see it as anyone trying to be tit-for-tat. Just as much as you are saying the bride should consider the ages and attitudes of who is invited, friends should do their very best to meet her where she is. If this is what she wants, then you suck it up because a lot of people presumably did it for OP. And you don’t complain about it or act like you’re more “mature” or “advanced” or whatever because you’re in a different place in life.

[Anonymous]

Of course you age out. People grow up. I would never have gone to a three day bachelorette party to being with, and I didn’t want one. If she went to yours and wore a penis sash, then you go to hers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

This this this. I don't think the OP is saying she wants the friend to not celebrate her own wedding. But there seems to be a literal tit-for-tat at work here. We went clubbing for all of these parties, and now we go clubbing now. When ten years have passed and maybe splashing out means reading the room and going to the spa or to a tasting menu or out to a concert or for heavens sake we've gotten some sense since we were 24 and we'll leave the penis' at home. I think there is a lot of sense of thinking about what you really like and what you friends like and doing that. I don't know if we need to take shots now just bc we took shots ten years ago.

But OP is basically saying that she doesn’t want the friend to celebrate her wedding. She literally wrote that she would rather be in bed.

I don’t see it as anyone trying to be tit-for-tat. Just as much as you are saying the bride should consider the ages and attitudes of who is invited, friends should do their very best to meet her where she is. If this is what she wants, then you suck it up because a lot of people presumably did it for OP. And you don’t complain about it or act like you’re more “mature” or “advanced” or whatever because you’re in a different place in life.

That's not how I read OP. I read OP as saying that this debaucherous celebration is making her feel exhausted. It's possible that even a weekend in Portland would make her exhausted (it's still travel, it's still not down time, there's probably still plastic penises around there somewhere). I'm guessing it's probably the prospect of having to be "on" for that sort of event that is preemptively wearing her out, though.

OP seems to be feeling a little exasperated that even after her peer group has matured into young middle age, they are still having to go through a young person's rituals, and that no longer feels fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose friends mostly married young, I kind of resent this. I shelled out for their weddings, why shouldn’t they return the favor if I asked? It’s kind of unfair to put an arbitrary limit on her wedding fun to justify your lack of interest.

+1. I am in my early 30s and not yet married, but a lot of my friends got married young and had huge festivities. I showed up to EVERY one with a smile even if I couldn’t really afford it or had other things going on. Based on the attitudes I frequently see here, I’d be screwed if I did want them all to celebrate me in a similar manner. I get that life isn’t “fair” but to not show up for your good friends or to complain in the petty manner OP has here is really crappy IMO.

I think it's not that you're screwed if you want your friends to celebrate with you. I think it's that - I think? - expectations and preferences tend to change as you get older. I was never a get dressed up and party all night type of person, in my 20s or now. But I literally cannot stay awake until 3am the way I could when I was younger anymore. I also am not willing to drink myself into a headache anymore. I didn't ask anyone to do these things with me before my own wedding - in my late 30s - and my friends tended not to be the types who would do this anyway. But I absolutely would be the no fun person if I were asked or expected to show up for that kind of party now.

Maybe the thing is that you just have to be sensitive to the actual people you're actually asking to be part of your celebration. If they are the types who are eager to get away to Vegas for a weekend, go for it. If they've mellowed into being the types who'd rather go to Portland, Maine, for wine and lobster for a weekend, maybe do that instead. I think it's just a little silly to demand that everything be even steven with no regard to how people's lives - and bodies! - have changed.

This this this. I don't think the OP is saying she wants the friend to not celebrate her own wedding. But there seems to be a literal tit-for-tat at work here. We went clubbing for all of these parties, and now we go clubbing now. When ten years have passed and maybe splashing out means reading the room and going to the spa or to a tasting menu or out to a concert or for heavens sake we've gotten some sense since we were 24 and we'll leave the penis' at home. I think there is a lot of sense of thinking about what you really like and what you friends like and doing that. I don't know if we need to take shots now just bc we took shots ten years ago.

But OP is basically saying that she doesn’t want the friend to celebrate her wedding. She literally wrote that she would rather be in bed.

I don’t see it as anyone trying to be tit-for-tat. Just as much as you are saying the bride should consider the ages and attitudes of who is invited, friends should do their very best to meet her where she is. If this is what she wants, then you suck it up because a lot of people presumably did it for OP. And you don’t complain about it or act like you’re more “mature” or “advanced” or whatever because you’re in a different place in life.

I have 3 kids under 5 including a newborn. I would rather be in bed than almost anything. (Lazing on beach w/ good book and toes in warm water is my first choice; second choice, bed.) I would show up to an event like this if I were a bridesmaid or the person was a good friend; I would feel exactly like OP. I think OP's approach is 100% fine. I will say that the all night clubbing thing has never been my scene even though I do like to drink... and "used to be" happy to drink a bit too much on occasion