Confronted friend's significant other

[Anonymous]

Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

[Anonymous]

ok

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re my hero!!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser and she should dump him. Good for you for asserting your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re my hero!!

Yep. Sometimes you gotta stand up for your friends even if it is not your usual personality.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. When people cross the line, call them out on it.

[Anonymous]

It's OP. Thanks guys. I can't sleep and now that the shock has worn off, I'm feeling awful. Maybe I should have held back for my friend's sake. I'm worried that they've been arguing about it. Certainly don't want my DS and her DD, both 15 to find out. Ugh. But, it was a visceral response. Caught off guard.

[Anonymous]

Usually when abusers choke/strangle, it’s a sign that they might actually kill their victim. The fact that he’s threatening it and demonstrating it is definitely very concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually when abusers choke/strangle, it’s a sign that they might actually kill their victim. The fact that he’s threatening it and demonstrating it is definitely very concerning.

OP here. Yes, it was such a bizzare thing to do to a woman. And, he meant it by the pressure he inflicted. The other extreme is he's very physically affectionate to both men and women when saying hello or goodbye, including kissing. Hard to explain, it's like he's a Corleone from the Godfather.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP. No man should ever place his hands on a women’s neck like that. I hope the 18 year old gets out of that house soon.

[Anonymous]

A little over dramatic on your part.

[Anonymous]

Best response !!! Do not second guess your gut!

My abusive ex used to joke in plain sight like this ALL the time. A way of rationalizing his own urges and attempting to demean your power. He can sense you are a strong woman and sought to humiliate this power.

I hope your friend survives this. Please print this thread and give it to her.

Dear friend of poster,

I am a survivor of an abuser. A narcissist cannot change. Get out before he kills you or your kids. And your children can die a slow death in their hope, happiness, and spirit.

He can mimic empathy, but feels nothing.

He can mimic intimacy and kindness, but it’s all a okay on your emotions, a grooming strategy.

He can smell your willingness to put up with his need to humiliate just to get a taste of the sweet man he first introduced you to.

It’s never upfront, abuse sneaks in like a rat.

When you got home, he called the poster a bunch of names didn’t he? He ranted in on her didn’t he? He called her husband names didn’t he? He calls himself an introvert doesn’t he?

Leave. It doesn’t get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's OP. Thanks guys. I can't sleep and now that the shock has worn off, I'm feeling awful. Maybe I should have held back for my friend's sake. I'm worried that they've been arguing about it. Certainly don't want my DS and her DD, both 15 to find out. Ugh. But, it was a visceral response. Caught off guard.

Do NOT feel bad for acting on your gut feelings! This guy put his hands around your neck! I would hope I'd respond the same way if it happened to me as that is one of my triggers (abusive ex). I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and I hope this incident opens your friend's eyes to this loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little over dramatic on your part.

I would have punched him in the nuts in the spot! No words - just wham!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

Ok, so to summarize your post, you were having a social evening with another couple when the male says "I just wanted to strangle [this teenager] referring to teenage stepdaughter misconduct and he puts his hands on your neck.

You proceed to tell him you'll kill him.

And he's dangerous?

Jesus H. Christ. You are a nightmare.