Confronted friend's significant other

[OliviaMcMakardy]

Wow

[Anonymous]

Once you sober up you might have a different take on this.

[Anonymous]

If someone put their hands around my neck, “joke” or not, ESPECIALLY someone I didn’t like, I really think they’d end up on the floor. And I’ve never been violent in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

Ok, so to summarize your post, you were having a social evening with another couple when the male says "I just wanted to strangle [this teenager] referring to teenage stepdaughter misconduct and he puts his hands on your neck.

You proceed to tell him you'll kill him.

And he's dangerous?

Jesus H. Christ. You are a nightmare.

It's OP. I did not say I'll kill him, but I did say something emasculating. To another PP, I was not drunk, not my style. I barely finished a glass of wine with dinner. My reaction sounds over the top but understand that it was a gut reaction. I did not even raise my voice. DH and friend did not even realize what happened. My adam's apple is tender this morning if that gives you perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

Ok, so to summarize your post, you were having a social evening with another couple when the male says "I just wanted to strangle [this teenager] referring to teenage stepdaughter misconduct and he puts his hands on your neck.

You proceed to tell him you'll kill him.

And he's dangerous?

Jesus H. Christ. You are a nightmare.

It's OP. I did not say I'll kill him, but I did say something emasculating. To another PP, I was not drunk, not my style. I barely finished a glass of wine with dinner. My reaction sounds over the top but understand that it was a gut reaction. I did not even raise my voice. DH and friend did not even realize what happened. My adam's apple is tender this morning if that gives you perspective.

OP, given that he used actual pressure in his demonstration, my guess is that he is abusive, your disdain for him came across at dinner and this was his way of telling you to stay out of their business, or else. No normal person would use actual pressure, most wouldn't do the demonstration in the first place. I would keep your 15 year old DC away from him.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the sequence. Your husband is in another room. You, this man and your friend are still seated at the dinner table. This man leaned over the table (3-4' at least) and chokes you? I don't see how he could even get that close. He would have had to be leaning over all the dinner dishes, a centerpiece, etc., and it seems like a stretch that he would be able to exert any pressure if he was even able to reach you.

In any event, your post sounds very dramatic and you don't sound like a very nice person anyway so it is hard to see your point of view because it all sounds so illogical. If your husband thinks you're being overly dramatic about it then you most likely are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually when abusers choke/strangle, it’s a sign that they might actually kill their victim. The fact that he’s threatening it and demonstrating it is definitely very concerning.

Unless he was kidding around around...which is very likely the case since he did it to his GF's friend in a public place during dinner.

It sounds like the op has issues, was triggered, overreacted, escalated unnecessarily and ruined an otherwise perfectly good evening.

[Anonymous]

There is never an excuse for putting your hands around someone’s neck and exerting pressure. How is that not obvious?

[Anonymous]

He shouldn’t have done that. Your reaction was over the top. Your poor friend.

[Anonymous]

Your Adam’s Apple is sore? Are you a man????

[Anonymous]

Good for you op. Too many women tolerate crap.

[Anonymous]

The 18 yr old is who I worry about. Your gut was telling you the guy is bad news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend was/is a single mom of 3. Her youngest DD is best friends with DS. She has a history of terrible partners, all alcoholics or reformed. Currently engaged to a reformed. I don't like him but I'm always very sanitized and cordial on the rare occasion that I see him. It's been a long time since DH and I spent an evening out with them. Occasionally, I'll get together with her. After 4 rainchecks, agreed to have dinner. All was well. Things got a bit tense because friend is dealing with newness of being the second partner of this man, who is divorced with 3 adult kids. She has 3 kids under 18. They're a blended family. Friend is lovely, steet smart, worked hard to support her kids and settles on this guy. She is somewhat insecure in relationships yet has a very good sixth sense, but overlooks red flags. Classic pattern. I don't give unsolicited advice unless she is distraught and asks. Don't really even want to be involved but I do care about her and kids.

We're not big drinkers. Pleasant dinner until politics, kid issues, previous marriages come up. DH and I keep it light. Her SO laments about an issue with friend's 18 year old and how difficult it is to live with as a partner/dad. He's pretty animated about a recent issue with 18 yo and says, I just wanted to put my hands around her neck...and demonstrates on me!

It triggered me. I lean in and tell him if he ever (again) puts his hands on me or friend or her kids, I would (fill in the blank). He looked away and I demanded he look at me and I repeated what I said. He gets up and leaves. DH was watching hockey from table on a big screen in restaurant. He follows the guy out and I guess they had words. DH is not confrontational and didn't see what he did. Friend is clearly nervous and I explain that I meant what I said. She knows that I don't like him. I don't think she likes him very much. I don't believe he is violent or has ever threatened her or kids. He is unreasonable, narcisstic, 12 step brainwashed ... and all that goes with it.

DH is flabbergasted. Uncharacteristic for me to behave this way. Although it takes a tremendous amount of BS for me to get like this, I instinctively and fearlessly defend myself. Hands around my neck warranted my reaction. Plus he's a douche.

I don't regret it. I don't care about this guy and it's actually a relief. Maybe she'll finally realize that she's a capable parent and does not need to put up with him. It was not a gentle gesture when he put his hands around my neck. The pressure was real. People are very transparent to me and sometimes they sense it and maybe feel vulnerable without control. He looked terrified when I confronted him and I'm happy about it.

Ok, so to summarize your post, you were having a social evening with another couple when the male says "I just wanted to strangle [this teenager] referring to teenage stepdaughter misconduct and he puts his hands on your neck.

You proceed to tell him you'll kill him.

And he's dangerous?

Jesus H. Christ. You are a nightmare.

It's OP. I did not say I'll kill him, but I did say something emasculating. To another PP, I was not drunk, not my style. I barely finished a glass of wine with dinner. My reaction sounds over the top but understand that it was a gut reaction. I did not even raise my voice. DH and friend did not even realize what happened. My adam's apple is tender this morning if that gives you perspective.

It is rare for a woman to have an Adams Apple beyond puberty. Its reappearance might be caused by a hormonal issue. You might have it checked by an endocrinologist.

[Anonymous]

CSB.

[Anonymous]

If your friend is smart she’ll get rid of you all. You all sound crazy.