Confronted friend's significant other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

I actually very much agree with this. I’m a woman.

[Anonymous]

Op you were right.

[Anonymous]

Classic move that my Dad would make. He has abused 3 wives.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe how many people seem to think it was OK for someone to put his hands on OP's neck and squeeze. This is OK with you????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little over dramatic on your part.

Yup

[Anonymous]

OP don't be surprised by the snarky responses. Typical DCUM reaction by some for whom this story struck a cord. If they see themselves in your post they might feel they have to defend him and therefore themselves.

Your story of this guy reminds me of the Dirty John podcast/TV show. Scary as shit.

[Anonymous]

Good for you and if I was your DH, I would have knocked the guy out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little over dramatic on your part.

Lol. Okay. And demonstrating strangulation wasn’t over-dramatic on HIS part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little over dramatic on your part.

Yup

Which part? The part where she said don't put your hands on me, my friends, or her kids? Was she supposed to say pretty please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little over dramatic on your part.

Lol. Okay. And demonstrating strangulation wasn’t over-dramatic on HIS part?

two wrongs don't make a right...both people acted poorly. Two idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are now not feeling so great about what you did and you're looking for validation. How would you feel if the guy just felt too comfortable but otherwise is a decent guy. What came out of you is that you don't like him and he gave you a reason to let him have it.

Here is what I think. You may or may not be right about this guy. But you are the type person who feels like you are superior to and can psychologically diagnose people around you. You know that you just exposed who you are to your friends and husband in a potentially humiliating way. Now you are looking for validation to avoid what you will never do which is accept accountability for the damage you to to people around you. This incident is consistent with who you are inside which is not attractive. There were far better and less damaging ways to establish boundries and diffuse the incident but you want to avoid self awareness of your damaging deficiencies. Do you have the guts to have accountability that you are a jerk and that it negatively effects the people around you? Probably not.

I'm struggling to think of a way you can repair your friendship. I think your friend knows you like her but her SO knows for sure that you dislike him very much. I don't see how you can be together again or even be in a group together without drama or discomfort. I think the only thing you could say is something like this. " I am the kind of person who thinks I can diagnose and catagorize everybody but myself. My issue hurts people around me. It's much like being an alchoholic as I am addicted to this lack of self awareness. I'm going to try to be a better person and I have many people to apologize to."

A person who can do that is a person of great substance and value.

To this PP...Other posters flamed you on my behalf (thank you pp's).

You are a gaslighter. It is an overused term, but so applicable to you. This is what the strangler does to my friend. She has called me in tears and distraught because he manipulates her feelings to make her feel vulnerable and question her own sense of reality.

Sociopaths do this. You are likely sock puppeting as other posters who agree with you.

[Anonymous]

What the guy did was not normal at all. "Demonstrating" strangulation on your SO's friend? Basically. an acquaintance that he didn't have a close relationship or friendship with. The guy definitely crossed boundaries. OP's reaction was completely fair.

[Anonymous]

Who paid the check?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's OP. Thanks guys. I can't sleep and now that the shock has worn off, I'm feeling awful. Maybe I should have held back for my friend's sake. I'm worried that they've been arguing about it. Certainly don't want my DS and her DD, both 15 to find out. Ugh. But, it was a visceral response. Caught off guard.

You had a gut reaction - I have had the same only a few times in my life, but I knew from my core that what I did was 100% right. (Similar to you - no physical contact or violence).